


Never Too Far From You

by EthelPhantom



Series: Worth the Suffering [2]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Confessions, Feelings, How Do I Tag, I wrote this because I needed a new ending, It's divergence especially after Resurrection comes, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-R2, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-10-15 01:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 50,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17519813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: It’s not until a decade after Zero Requiem that Suzaku finds out the real meaning behind Lelouch’s plan.(Alternatively, the one where Lelouch manages to break Suzaku’s heart thrice before his death and once after)





	1. The Third Time

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first over 10k fic (no, seriously, I've already written the whole thing and it ended up being 38k long. I'll still have to rewrite the rest so it's gonna change). I hope you'll like it!
> 
> Also, a HUGE thanks for my friend for promising to beta this whole thing, because like, her betareading the first chapter made it so much better. 
> 
> And, just a heads up, this chapter decribes Lelouch's death in Re;, in case it's triggering for someone. I wasn't sure if it was violent, really, so I don't have it in the archive warnings. Sorry.

The request of wanting to be alone and uninterrupted unless an emergency broke out hadn’t been in vain, Suzaku decided, because he hadn’t had to talk to anyone at all that day. 

He sat alone quietly in the room the Britannian Royal Family had designed specifically for Zero, listening to him when he told them what he wanted or didn’t want. Well, mostly it was what he didn’t want, but because Zero was ‘such an amazing person’, they gave him a lot of stuff anyway. The walls were painted vibrant and comforting purple and decorated with golden patterns. Probably because those were the main colours of the costume. The room also had a bathroom suitable for nobility, a grand bed with a lot of pillows, a computer, a television of the latest season and a closet for all of his clothing — which actually meant just the many practically identical outfits of Zero. As the masked hero, he never wore anything else. 

The weird thing about his room was the fact that there was no mirror anywhere — even in the bathroom. It was actually the thing Suzaku had told them he didn’t want under any circumstances. Everyone always questioned it, but the answer was always either silence or an “I do not think I need one.” In truth, if someone had been able to read his mind, they would have found out the real answer to the ever-present question was “I don’t want to see the face of my best friend’s murderer, I’m sure I’d end up hating that person more than I already do.”

Even so, it wasn’t unusual for Suzaku to go through the three moments he had gotten his heart broken by Lelouch, because that way he could keep remembering him — even if it hurt, it ensured Suzaku never forgot. There were more times Lelouch had hurt him, sure, but only thrice had he been able to actually make Suzaku feel like his heart was breaking and shattering into tiny fragments. 

Killing Euphie was surely the first one, he had no doubts of that. Back then he hadn’t known who the person hiding behind the mask of Zero was (even if he had had his suspicions), and so he had called Lelouch. Suzaku was getting ready to get inside his Knightmare Frame when he had told Lelouch not to look up at the sky and to tell the rest of the student council to do the same because he was about to commit a murder in the skies of Japan. Up until then he had thought killing someone out of pure hatred was wrong, but well, after seeing Euphie murdered in cold blood, his opinions changed. The worst thing about calling Lelouch was that he had completely agreed and actually told Suzaku to go and avenge Euphie. Maybe Lelouch had felt guilty? Or maybe he just hadn’t wanted to get found out. Possibly both. 

Oh, how much it had hurt him to aim his pistol at the masked man and see the mask break into two pieces, revealing the face behind it. He had never wanted to find his best friend in front of him, that much was certain. 

That had been the second time his heart was broken by Lelouch, both in one day. Afterwards Suzaku had dragged his best friend — although the term ‘worst enemy’ would have been more suitable at the time — in front of the emperor, the person responsible for most of the suffering that had turned Lelouch to choose the path of Zero. He had told the emperor he would betray even his friends to get what he wanted, and honestly, he didn’t want to know what Lelouch had felt because of his words. Betrayal, surely, but— no, he didn’t want to think about it. 

He knew he had been an asshole, but back then his anger had blinded him, so when Charles had ordered him to keep Lelouch’s left eye covered and right one forcefully open, he had obeyed. He remembered how Lelouch had screamed at him, sounding so betrayed the slight shame in him became bigger and worse. Actually, now that he thought about it, it was something he had done twice, first when he’d found out the identity of Zero, second when he had dragged Lelouch there after he had somehow broken out of the mask of Julius Kingsley, the fake identity Emperor Charles had created for him. Suzaku still didn’t know whether he should be impressed or afraid of Lelouch for doing that, because the Emperor’s Geass hadn’t been a weak one, no. 

Somehow he only now realised that back when he had kicked Lelouch down after almost shooting them all dead, there had been something resembling a smirk on Lelouch’s face. Just after he had thrown the liquid sakuradite away. Suzaku still didn’t know why, but maybe there too was a hidden meaning behind it, or maybe Lelouch had been so angry he hadn’t been able to control his emotions. 

Both of those times were times Lelouch had done something unforgivable — or at least that was what Suzaku had convinced himself to believe, because he didn’t want to forgive him. Oh, how much he hated Lelouch, oh, how much he loved him, oh how glad Suzaku was he was gone, oh, how much he missed him and wanted him back. Sometimes the messed up feelings he had for Lelouch made him wonder if he ever truly understood anything about his dearest friend.

So, not understanding enough, Suzaku decided that in order to understand better, he had to go through some things Lelouch had left him, as well as the moment he had lost him forever. Maybe, just maybe, there was something important he had missed. Maybe somewhere there were signs he had dismissed as insignificant until now. 

And because it would be the easiest thing to do, he indefinitely needed to see the video filmed on the day of the Demon Emperor’s death first. Suzaku cursed himself for wanting to do this.  It meant he would have to watch himself commit the mistake he hated himself for doing, as well as see the day he regretted possibly the most in his entire life. But, because he felt like it had to be done, he walked out of his room to find what he was searching for.

Walking down the hallways decorated with purple and silver, Suzaku met Lloyd. After they greeted each other politely like two mature people employed by the Empress should, Suzaku asked Lloyd if he knew where the tapes recorded on the original Zero’s Day were. 

Seriously though, Suzaku despised that name almost as much as himself. 

Lloyd snorted amusedly as he understood the question asked.

“Well, Zero, why would you need to find the video of the day you killed the 99th Emperor? Isn’t it considered a bit rude to watch him die again just because you can? Sounds quite mocking if you ask me”, he said with a smirk on his face.

Suzaku wanted to groan out of frustration but stopped himself right on time. He couldn’t be caught doing such thing, but no one could really judge him for crossing his arms on his chest because Lloyd annoyed him. Thankfully, the scientist shut his mouth upon seeing how irritated the masked man was. Suzaku suspected it might also have had something to do with the fact Lloyd had made it out alive from the prison Lelouch had locked him in thanks to ‘Zero’. 

Actually, now that Suzaku thought about it, he realised he wasn’t sure whether Lloyd knew who the face behind the mask was. Lloyd and Cécile both visited his ‘grave’ every month, if not weekly, but because Lelouch had mentioned Zero Requiem in their presence a few times, maybe they knew. Maybe they knew and pretended not to, because in reality they were both smarter than anyone ever guessed.

“It shouldn’t be your problem in the slightest, now should it? How about you just tell me if you know where it’s placed.”

Lloyd huffed but gestured at the library behind him. 

“The library? Are you sure? Why would it be kept at the royal li— of course. Thank you, Earl Asplund”, he said nodding lightly as his thanks and walked away. 

Of course it would be in the library, where else? After all, if there was a legitimate document of one of the members of the royal family, no matter how popular or not they had been, it was placed there. Suzaku felt dumb because he knew full well the videos, recordings and newspaper articles were there. He too had visited the place a few times during the time he’d been the Knight of Seven. 

He hoped he wouldn’t run into more of his old colleagues. 

But, like always, it was just his luck to do just that, because when he entered the place, Gino was standing there right next to the language section of the library — so in front of the entrance. How great. 

“Oh, Zero. Hello. What are you doing here?”, Gino asked, a hint of bitterness echoing in his voice. Suzaku guessed it was for the fact Zero had ordered so many deaths, which had also resulted in many of Gino’s comrades and friends losing their lives. It was likely, because Gino had (hopefully) no idea the Zero behind the mask back then was Lelouch, and now… Well, it was Suzaku, Gino’s supposedly dead friend and someone who fought against the first Zero. 

How great, indeed.

“Lord Weinberg. Am I not allowed to visit the library now?”, Suzaku asked with an entirely pretentious amused tone. Somehow Gino managed to get on his nerves even after all this time (not that it was this bad before, back then the blond knight had just been overly friendly), and now he succeeded in it in an entirely new way and level. How even, he didn’t know. 

Gino tapped his foot against the floor, and expression turning harsh he replied, “You never come here. And besides, you are heading towards the section where they keep the documents of the royalty, which, to me at least, looks like you wanted to come to study how to overthrow them again. If that’s the case, I will not let you go.”

Just when Suzaku was about to ask how he knew where he was headed to, Gino tapped the screen of his phone with his nails and showed the message he had gotten from Lloyd. It was about his meeting with Zero, although Lloyd didn’t seem to be worried in the text, more like amused. That’s Lloyd for you. 

“G— Lord Weinberg, do you really have to assume the worst of me? It’s not like I’m always planning a rebellion, or worse, a revolution.” 

Christ, he was still having problems with calling the people around him by their proper titles. He almost called Gino by his given name, just because calling him Lord Weinberg sounded weird to him. Same was with for example Lloyd and Nunnally, because Suzaku had to call them Earl Asplund and Her Majesty Nunnally vi Britannia (or, for short, Her Majesty). The problem appeared with others too, but it was the worst with those he knew well over a decade ago. All that just because he had to stay in his role, but Suzaku knew he would never ruin what he was doing because he felt if he did that, he’d betray Lelouch once again. Betraying his dead best friend was one of the few things he had decided to never do again.

“Yes, I do. You did lead a rebellion against Britannia just a decade ago and then killed the 99th emperor. While it’s good that you did, you still killed the emperor. What’s to say you won’t kill Her Majesty as well?”

Suzaku sighed behind his mask, but answered anyway. 

“I’ve sworn to protect Her Majesty Nunnally with my life. Anyway, I am here to find the video of the late emperor’s day of death. How is that supposed to help me with whatever you thought I was planning on doing?” Suzaku wasn’t sure why he was telling this to Gino, because he really didn’t need to, but oh well. He watched Gino’s expression turn from a bitter one to half-mocking, half-annoyed one.

“Now, why would you want to see the day you murdered the Demon Emperor, Lelouch? Do you just want to laugh more at how great you did?”, he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. It surprised Suzaku, seeing as he thought the knight wasn’t even capable of sarcasm or anything like it. Gino grabbed Suzaku’s arm, not wanting to let go in case he was going to try and do something suspicious.

“No. I was planning on watching it to see if I missed anything significant on that day due to only seeing things from one perspective. Let me go, Lord Weinberg”, Suzaku said, hoping he could just go now. He really wanted to see if there was anything he should’ve noticed but missed anyway, and preferably within the same day. 

Gino huffed in annoyance but let go of his arm and moved to the side so that Suzaku could move past him. The masked man was pretty sure he heard the other mutter “fine, I hope you find what you’re searching for”, so he answered “thank you, Gino”, with a quiet tone. The problem was that he did it as himself (meaning he forgot for a second he was supposed to be Zero), and only realised his mistake of calling Gino by his given name instead of his title after a few seconds. Hopefully the knight didn’t catch on it. Suzaku glanced behind only to see Gino standing there watching him, mouth hanging open, a disbelieving and shocked expression on his face. He did catch on it. Damn it. 

“Gino? Wha—?” He was just about to start questioning Zero, but he’d left all of a sudden, hurried away. Gino was fairly certain he’d find the masked “Knight of justice and truth” in the vi Britannia section, but decided to leave it as it was for this once. The next time, however… 

Suzaku fled from his friend without really having all that great reason for it. He guessed he just wasn’t ready to have an actual talk with any of his old acquaintances or colleagues besides Nunnally. If he recalled correctly, Lelouch had once told him that as he gained his geass he accepted the life of solitude, and then, a week or so later, told Suzaku that once he accepted the mask of Zero, he too would have to walk the path of loneliness. After all, who would want to befriend someone they didn’t know anything of, not even their true appearance? 

When he finally reached his destination, he immediately started looking for the video. Because Suzaku hadn’t been there more than once or twice, thrice at most, and even then with someone else, he didn’t really know whether he should find the place videos were placed or if the documentaries were arranged alphabetically. He decided on the latter, so he tried to find where “L” and “Lelouch vi Britannia” were in the shelves. 

It was unlikely that the young emperor had been named the “Demon Emperor” here, because it wasn’t his official name. Everyone just happened to call him by it. Which, now that he thought about it, could have just as well been his official name. Suzaku was pretty sure that almost every single citizen in the entire world called him a demon, because even Lelouch’s own siblings did (well, aside from Nunnally who had understood everything her brother did and loved him). Often. Only around Nunnally did they try not to call Lelouch that for they all knew how the young empress — their little sister — had loved him and still tried to take her time to mourn him sometimes. Especially Cornelia cared about the young woman a lot, so she tried to be considerate towards her even if she personally hated Lelouch. 

He kept going through the seemingly unending names on the shelves stacked with different books, newspapers, folders, and recordings, until he finally found the one he was looking for. Sure, the video itself was put under the name “Lelouch vi Britannia, the 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire, death”, but it wasn’t where the rest of things about him where placed. 

It was really placed under “the Demon Emperor”. 

Suzaku was truly shocked, but as he examined the tag, he realised it was handwritten and its edges stuck out the edges of the shelf, so someone had been in a hurry. Because of that, he came to the conclusion that someone who had access to the library, paid no mind to the still mourning young Empress and held a grudge against the late emperor was to be blamed. It immediately ruled out the entirety of the royal family because none of them wanted (or bothered) to go out of their way to get petty revenge on a dead person. 

Well, it wasn’t something for him to take care of, so he just borrowed the video. As he left, he reminded himself that he still needed to try and avoid Nunnally, Cornelia, Schneizel, Gino, Anya, Cécile, Lloyd and— well, pretty much every single person in the palace, because he decided that talking to two people today had to be enough. 

When he returned to his room, he turned the television on and put the CD in it. It was likely there was a version of it online as well, but it would be extremely difficult to find because Nunnally had decided that people shouldn’t just watch it all the time. It was also because the feelings showing and changing on the young Empress’ face weren’t something the people should catch on — after all, Lelouch was a demon the Empress hated, or, so the masses thought. Sure, around the time of Zero’s Day it was played to students in middle schools and up, as well as for adults in workplaces, but that was a special occasion, and happened only once a year. 

“Glory to His Majesty Lelouch! All hail Britannia! All hail Lelouch!” was how the video began. The voice was clear, so he guessed it was recorded by the TV station. Neither the clouds on the sky or the calm breeze were telling that something world changing was just about to happen.

This was the part of the happening Suzaku had never gotten to hear all those years ago because he had been hiding until it would be his turn to act his part. He had been trying to convince himself this was something he just had to do and a great way to avenge his beloved princess, Euphie, even when he knew she wouldn’t want this. It took his all to assure himself it was the right thing to do and that he could do it. Lelouch was a demon who needed to be punished, even if Suzaku wanted to keep his friend alive.

The sudden indefinite sounds and shocked yells coming from the recording interrupted his train of thought. He focused on the video again and saw the Knightmares that had stopped. Suddenly there were two perspectives going on, one camera filming and showing Lelouch, while the other was recording ‘Zero’ who had just made his appearance. Zero stood proudly, for a second looking like there was nothing strange happening, as though it was all scheduled (it was). He heard a voice that sounded like Lelouch chuckling inside his head because all was going according to his elaborate strategy. 

The first video still showed Lelouch, and how his expression was slowly becoming terrified as well as shocked. It reminded Suzaku how great of an actor the other boy had been — although he had never really forgotten, which was given considering how well he had made others believe he in fact  _ wasn’t  _ Zero. Even Suzaku had believed him for a moment. 

At the same time in the other video ‘Zero’ started running towards the emperor, and, as though a miracle had occurred, he managed to dodge every single bullet the knightmares has shot at him. How none of the people who had worked either with or against him had realised who he was, he didn’t know. Suzaku had even jumped over the knightmares which was practically something only a superhuman or Suzaku could do. 

He was kind of amazed at how he had been able to do it all, because knightmares weren’t an easy thing to avoid without one. What was even odder was that Suzaku hadn’t realised it until now that he might’ve died just there at that point. He and Lelouch were insane for thinking it was a good idea. Maybe he’d survived because Lelouch had geassed the people controlling the knightmares to miss and not kill Zero when they saw him.

Or, maybe he’d survived because of that irritating “Live!” Geass Lelouch had cast on him. 

Seriously, what had he been thinking? Probably that soon his dearest and first friend would die in his hands. How sad, really. 

Then, Jeremiah had ordered the knightmares to cease fire, to “take care of ‘Zero’ himself”, as they had agreed to do. To the eyes of an outsider it probably didn’t make much sense, but Jeremiah was one of the most competent soldiers in the army, and that would make everyone think he actually thought he could stop Zero. Of course, that wasn’t the case, as Jeremiah was supposed to not really try at all, because Suzaku was needed to take care of the act and play his role until the last scene, until the curtains were closed. ‘Zero’ had only jumped up and used Jeremiah as a stepping stone. It was kind of amusing to think they were on the same side, when only a year ago Suzaku had been (falsely) accused of killing Prince Clovis. Back then Jeremiah had been taking the boy to the trial, where he would have most likely gotten a death sentence. 

As he landed in front of Nunnally, the girl tried to back away as much as she could in her shackles. Well, it wasn’t very surprising, there was a man who had tried to kidnap her a some months ago (even if it had been Lelouch and not Suzaku). Suzaku never stopped, and kept going until he reached the young emperor. 

“Fool!”, Lelouch had yelled. He had taken his gun out from under his Emperor’s robes and aimed it at Suzaku, but of course, as the script they had written said, Suzaku was quicker and hit it out of his hand with his sword. It was all an act, a play, planned to a T, from the first scene to the very last second, a genius scheme made by Lelouch himself.  The gun had flown far from Lelouch, down the platform, and because ‘Zero’ was in front of him wielding an enormous (ridiculously pink) sword, everyone understood trying to get the gun back would have been an act of a fool. 

Suzaku remember how the sword in his hand was heavy, even heavier than it should have been because of the guilt and certain knowledge of what was going to follow. The only thing harder to keep up had probably been his chin. Zero was the saviour of the world, the one freeing everyone from the tyrant emperor, he wasn’t supposed to show pity towards his target. Suzaku watched as his ten years younger self took the position he had practiced a lot, only to ensure he could pierce his friend’s chest, without having to care about the possible tears that would flow down his cheeks or how he was feeling. The video didn’t show it because Suzaku’s back was in the way, but he remembered clearly that Lelouch had smirked. After all, his plan was coming slowly but surely to its end.

Then he heard — and saw — something he most definitely did  _ not _ remember from the actual day. Kallen yelling, both face and voice twisted somewhere between fear, pain and something else he wasn’t quite able to recognise (maybe hurt? After all, she  _ had  _ cared for Lelouch despite everything he had done), Nunnally’s panicky cry, Rivalz trying to shout something, looking like he was about to jump down to save his friend, Ohgi’s yell. The video showed Xingke closing his eyes, as well as Empress Tianzi turning her head away as to not see anything. She had been only 12 anyway, so it wasn’t surprising at all. Then he heard a bit softer, frightened voice saying —  _ screaming?  _ — something along the lines of “No! Lord Zero!”, which he supposed belonged to Kaguya. Suzaku had no idea whether the girl was yelling at ‘Zero’ or Lelouch, though. Tamaki was yelling as well, but if he wasn’t horribly wrong, the same guy tended to yell practically everything, so it wasn’t even surprising. What was surprising was the fact that so many people — who just so happened to be Lelouch’s enemies and were supposed to be executed at any moment in front of millions of sets of eyes — looked like they were panicking and sorrowful because  _ Lelouch _ was in danger. 

The video brought the image of a smirking Lelouch back to his mind. Suzaku couldn’t comprehend how the raven-haired boy had been able to smile — had dared to  _ smirk _ — even when he knew his demise was just seconds away. Then the sword pierced his heart. The pain forced a choked sound out of his mouth, hurting Suzaku as well. The cape Suzaku wore around himself had flown gracefully around him. Suzaku felt like it was the only purpose it had, to be overdramatic and yet graceful. 

Then, it was like everything and everyone in the world had gone silent. Either it was that, or then Suzaku’s brain silenced everything around him to prevent some of the pain from reaching him yet again. Apparently his own mind decided that even after ten years he wasn’t ready to face everything. 

Suzaku recalled the tears that spilled from his eyes and then kept overflowing, probably because his eyes were burning with tears once again. Well, at least this time he was crying less. As he tasted the saltiness on his lips, he remembered the way Lelouch’s name spilled from them. He also remembered the words Lelouch told him. He treasured those words because they were the last Lelouch had ever directed at him, even if they were sad and Suzaku would have rather heard Lelouch telling him he cared about him. 

“This, then, shall be your punishment”, Lelouch had murmured. He couldn’t stand up straight anymore, and thus rested his head against Suzaku’s shoulder. Suzaku had never seen what Lelouch had been doing, although he suspected his hand had been somewhere near the place the sword went through him because it had been stained with blood. Now, he saw that was exactly what had happened, since Lelouch seemed to be pressing the wound with his hand, as though he was trying to stop the bleeding. Not that he was able to. 

“You will live on, wearing that mask, as the knight of justice. You will no longer live your life as Kururugi Suzaku.” 

The brunet’s eyes followed carefully as the Lelouch on the screen lifted his bloodstained hand from his wound to Suzaku’s cheek. Except that, because the damned mask was in the way, instead of his friend’s warm skin, Lelouch was only met with cold metal. It felt almost too cruel. The last thing Lelouch had tried and wanted to do was to caress his friend’s face, not even being able to do that small thing. It wasn’t a lot to ask, now was it? The bloodstain had stayed on the mask longer than Suzaku wanted to admit, only because he wasn’t able to let go of his already dead friend. Suzaku would have denied it all, but it was a possibility that he hadn’t even tried to get rid of it. 

Trying to caress Suzaku’s cheek was a risk Lelouch had been willing to take. It had been an actual chance that their plan would be destroyed because of the act, but the young, dying emperor had decided it was all worth it. He had tried to comfort Suzaku by holding him and touching him so  _ gently _ with so much care and love in  _ public _ , on  _ live, international television _ after  _ Suzaku  _ had stabbed  _ Lelouch _ , and not the other way around. 

Now that Suzaku paid attention to it, he was certain he could see a smile drawn on his friend’s face as he was comforting him — although, he had to admit, it was sad and made Suzaku’s chest clench in pain.

“You shall sacrifice the pleasure of being an ordinary person to the world forevermore.” The words were just above a whisper, Suzaku had barely heard them. In the video, they were not audible. And, just like that, Suzaku would never again hear another word from his lips, because those were the very last ones. 

And so, he wanted to reply with something, “This Geass I do solemnly accept”. His voice had been cracking and echoing with the tears he wept. Those, those had been  _ his _ last words to Lelouch. He regretted it, he wished he could have told him he cared about him, even if Lelouch knew it already.  

Then Lelouch’s hand slipped from his mask at the same time as Suzaku pulled the sword out of him. They needed to bring their act to its ending and let the curtains fall down, not to be opened ever again. When the sword was completely out of Lelouch, Lelouch first took a step backwards, trying to steady himself. Suzaku, for his part, pointed the sword at the shocked crowd while he was facing away from his friend and the masses, his back still being the only thing they could see. And, for the first time, Suzaku saw how Lelouch stumbled a few steps and then fell down the ramp of the platform. As he slid down the ramp, he left a crimson red trail of blood on it. 

Right after that, the other camera focused on the interaction going on between Lelouch and Nunnally. It was likely this was part of the reason the video had been taken away from the sight of the curious eyes of the world. He suspected they also cut this part away every time the rest of the video was shown. Lelouch was peaceful, his smile full of gladness and satisfaction, which was definitely not expected from the hated, dying Demon Emperor. Whatever Nunnally said to Lelouch, Suzaku couldn’t hear. Their voices were inaudible. He knew she had told him she loved him because he had heard Nunnally tell him that.

Nunnally looked worried as well as puzzled, brows furrowed in confusion. She hesitated with reaching for Lelouch’s hand, but when her fingertips finally touched his, her eyes widened in shock. Even so, as her face slowly turned sorrowful, she seemed to understand everything (she might really have understood the entirety of their plan). To Suzaku, she looked like she was seeing a vision or the like. That could explain why she had been able to smile at Suzaku afterwards like she pitied him, absolutely no trace of malice left in her eyes.

Oh, sweet Nunnally. They hadn’t counted her in on the list of (possible) victims of Zero Requiem. Neither Lelouch or Suzaku had believed Nunnally could mourn her brother at least long because she kept screaming she hated Lelouch and that he had become a monster, a  _ demon.  _ They couldn’t have been more wrong, because the young girl was devastated, even if she didn’t show it in public. She couldn’t have done that anyway because she was the empress, the face of Britannia. 

Lelouch lay on the ramp as Nunnally was bending over him, holding his hand. When she finally started screaming “Big brother! No!”, Suzaku guessed Lelouch had died. She was now clearly crying, no longer silently weeping. 

“Please open your eyes! Big brother! Big brother!!” Nunnally’s voice was breaking as she cried. Her screams had ripped Suzaku’s heart into pieces back then, and even now it felt like someone was trying to crush it. 

Both Kallen and Kaguya were staring straight ahead with empty eyes, too shocked to be able to comprehend the happened. 

The other video was still showing ‘Zero’ (well, now that Lelouch was dead he really was Zero), who had only now turned to face the crowd. He lifted his hand still holding the sword and sliced through the air, making the blood that had just a moment ago coloured the sword now stain the blue carpet of the platform.

“The demon Lelouch is dead!”, Cornelia had yelled, and continued by ordering her comrades, “Free the prisoners!”

Those hiding with her ran from the building they had been staying in, Guilford and Villetta leading them. They freed the Black Knights and Schneizel. The prince was still under the control of Lelouch’s Geass.

“Retreat! Retreat at once!” had been Jeremiah’s command to the soldiers. 

Suzaku watched how his ten years younger self stood up proud, keeping his composure somehow. He was proud for not letting himself fall on his knees and break down screaming and crying, because he knew that’s exactly what he had wanted to do and never been able to. He remembered the pain again, tears flowing from his eyes behind the mask he hadn’t taken off (as though he ever really did anyway). How he had succeeded in that, he really did not know. He heard the crowd cheer for Zero and chant his name. No one cared about the screaming and crying 15-year-old girl.

If only he could go back in time, he would immediately go to Nunnally to comfort her. Her hands were stained with her brother’s blood, although in an entirely different way from Suzaku’s. She had cried until she couldn’t, until her tears had dried up, and no one else besides Suzaku had acknowledged it. But, even though he saw the suffering Nunnally was going through, he couldn’t have gone down and held her. After all, he was her brother’s killer, as well as Zero, who was not allowed to have any remorse or regrets for killing the enemy of the world itself. He was supposed to be Zero, the messiah that freed the world from its tendency for hatred, from the Demon Emperor Lelouch. 

Oh, how Suzaku hated that damned title. He still hated it, but not as much as he hated himself for killing his best friend, even if said friend had killed so many others. 

_ What messiah, really?  _

The video kept going, and Suzaku saw the same damned smile on Lelouch’s face as he had seen when he and Nunnally had buried him a day or two day later. The same damned smile that was definitely not that of a happy person, but of someone who was satisfied. Suzaku knew why he was satisfied — Lelouch had been able to make his dream come true. As to what that dream was, it was a world for Nunnally and his friends to live happily and in peace in. The only thing amiss in the achieved dream was a peaceful world where he could live together with Nunnally and Suzaku and the rest of his loved ones. 

But, frankly speaking, even though Lelouch’s friends were happy, Suzaku wasn’t, and Nunnally was having a hard time being happy as well. Suzaku was sure he had once seen Kallen drop a photograph — or three — of a smiling Lelouch, and then quickly picking them up as if they had been her precious treasures. He figured she knew what Lelouch had been aiming for. She too was happy, what now feeling sad and mourning for Lelouch every now and then, just like anyone who has ever lost a loved one. 

He knew she was grateful and happy. He knew he wouldn’t be able to find that same happiness within himself. 

When Suzaku focused on the recording again, it was playing the part where Zero had finally come down and stretched his hand out for Nunnally to grab. He hadn’t expected her to actually do it, so when she did, he was surprised. He managed to pick the small girl up anyway, ready to carry her to wherever she wanted. After that, he had looked around himself to find someone to take the now dead Emperor’s body away, and was, once again, surprised to find some of the freed Black Knights standing in front of him. They had asked where they could take the corpse to. 

His sight had been blurred by the burning tears in his eyes back then so he hadn’t recognised them as anything but members of the Black Knights, willing to help Zero. Now he saw Kallen, Ohgi, Tamaki, Xingke and Tohdoh on the screen. 

How surprising, indeed. The core members — the ones that were aware of Geass’ existence and probably hated Lelouch the most — of the Black Knights wanted to help Zero, a man they knew wasn’t their Zero. 

Zero had asked Nunnally quietly where she wanted her brother to be taken to. Her eyes widened in surprise, she clearly hadn’t been expecting the question (even if she had guessed whose arms she was in), but told him she wanted his body taken to the same place where her friend Kururugi Suzaku’s other gravestone was placed, which meant Lelouch’s own personal garden in the palace. Nunnally had decided to claim the garden for herself because she wanted to take care of it as a memorial for her brother. Suzaku had felt shameful for pretending to be dead, but showed none of it. He only nodded and ordered the Black Knights who had come to him to take Lelouch’s body to the place ‘Princess Nunnally’ had mentioned. 

Which, of course, meant taking the body overseas to Britannia, so they brought it in a coffin to the airport. 

A few days later, when they finally buried Lelouch, only Nunnally, Jeremiah and Suzaku were there. Of course, for who would mourn a demon? Well, except for those who understood his plan. Those who had loved him longer than they had truly lived. Those who had served him out of sheer respect. Those who had loved him because to them, that was what made most sense. Those who had always held love that never wavered for him.

Nunnally had cried on her knees. Jeremiah had bowed to the grave as his last mark of respect and walked away afterwards. Suzaku had only stood there and stared blankly as the other paid his respect, as Nunnally mourned. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to cry, staying in his role of Zero. 

When he and the young now-empress were left alone, she looked at him, would have looked at him straight in the eye if he didn’t have that mask. She had spoken to him with a voice far too kind and gentle for someone who was alone with her brother’s murderer. 

“Suzaku. It’s okay to mourn for him. After all, he was your best friend, wasn’t he?”

It startled Suzaku to hear his name, but then he chuckled softly. 

“You too, you see right through me as well, don’t you?”, he had managed to say. 

The girl had nodded and taken his hand in hers. “I found out when I touched big brother’s hand. I saw his memories. What a play to write.” She had smiled, fresh tears still glimmering on her eyelashes. “Won’t you take your mask off, at least this one time? I want to see that one of you is really alive, with my own eyes, now that I can see again.”

And he did, that one time. 

Nunnally had looked at him and even though she had guessed who was behind that mask, she gasped audibly when she saw the curly brown hair and emerald green eyes. Nunnally had opened her arms, waiting for Suzaku to come to her and hug her. She started crying when she felt arms around her and wrapped her own arms tightly around the boy. Nunnally had thought she had lost everyone she held dearest, but upon seeing the Japanese man, she had finally been able to sigh in relief. Not everyone, after all. There was still someone left. 

She had definitely felt the tears he cried drip on her shoulder. He recalled her never commenting anything on it. Nunnally definitely had a heart made of gold. 

The television had already gone blank when Suzaku snapped out of his world of memories. He took off the mask and placed it on his desk. He felt empty and tired, eyes staring blankly at the black television screen, not really seeing anything. He knew his lips stretched into a sorrowful and regretful smile. It was still his way of coping with things. 

The day Lelouch died was definitely his worst. The regret and woe he had felt then surpassed that of the days he killed his own father and watched Zero — the first one — kill Euphie. Definitely worse than finding out who exactly was that Zero. There was no question about that. 

Nothing was worse than watching Lelouch be so gentle, so forgiving, so loving, seeing Lelouch comfort Suzaku despite being the one dying himself. The way he had held Suzaku in public was too sad, too cruel. The way it had been so truly  _ heartbreaking _ .

Heartbreaking, indeed.

For that had been the third time Lelouch had broken his heart.


	2. A Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day does not start well. It's, frankly speaking, a nightmare. He should have guessed it when it began with an actual nightmare. 
> 
> Aka Suzaku gets a strange message, saves both his and Lelouch's gravestones and has conversations with a few people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I got the new chapter rewritten and it got like 2k words longer than the original?? I should've believed my friend (who is amazing and took time to beta this chapter again) when she said it would get out of hand. 
> 
> Btw, I have a few texts in italics in this chapter (again), and unless you believe it's just me stressing words, they're most likely messages, flower meanings or someone's thoughts. Or a nightmare. 
> 
> Honestly, this chapter is a mess. I hope you like it anyway.

_Lelouch looked deep into Suzaku’s eyes and smiled ever so softly as Suzaku wept.  “It’s fine, I asked you to do this”, he had said._

_Suddenly the picture distorted, and in the place of the gentle, smiling Lelouch there stood a cruel, wrathful one now. Lelouch’s chest was still bleeding and staining his white emperor robes crimson, but he never seemed to die or run out of time. He took a few steps towards Suzaku. Suzaku tried to back away from him, stumbling backwards until he was at the edge of the platform. His eyes caught a glimpse of what was beneath him and saw the angered eyes of crying Nunnally, Lelouch’s gun in her hand. She pointed it at him, aiming at his heart with trembling hands. A growling sound began echoing around them as the sky turned black and darkness covered everything around them._

_Lelouch placed his hands on Suzaku’s shoulders with a tight grip, hurting Suzaku._

_“You betrayed me, Suzaku! You have failed me yet again!”_

_“It— I— Sorry… I just—” Suzaku didn’t know what to say to his furious friend._

_“You can’t even apologise properly? Pathetic. You have to face the consequences of your mistakes, as well as my wrath! Everything you’ve done until now has done nothing but revealed your identity. Have some shame, won’t you?!” Lelouch sneered, voice dripping with anger._

_“But I— I never intended— I was just trying to act as I thought you would!” As Suzaku yelled the last words tears started forming in his eyes._

_“You failed, miserably. Look, they’ve abandones the world I DIED for!!” Lelouch gestured at the world that was fighting wars again, people killing each other and making everyone around themselves miserable._

_At first, Suzaku felt like someone had punched him, and then a moment later, stinging, burning pain in his chest and his eyes widened in shock. His hands went up to his chest and touched it gently, and the blood flowing from the wound stained them immediately. He looked up and saw Lelouch smile with a gun in his hand. Slowly, Suzaku fell down into the dark abyss beneath him alone. He reached his hand towards Lelouch but was only met with his friend turning his back on him, not caring at all. Suzaku screamed._

“Aaaaahh!!”

Suzaku woke up in cold sweat, screaming. He was panting heavily — hyperventilating, even —, chest rising and falling as he tried to steady his breathing. He sat up on his bed and lifted his hands to his sight. They were still shaking. Suzaku pressed his hands against his chest, still almost feeling the gunshot wound he had gotten in the nightmare.

It was definitely not rare for him to see nightmares after Lelouch’s death, no, they were more like a weekly — if not a daily — thing, especially during the first year. He knew that if he thought of that day more, he could abandon all hopes of not seeing nightmares. After all, most of his nightmares had something, if not everything, to do with that cursed day although, he had to admit, they were not accurate in the slightest. Nunnally had never held his actions against him — even if she had voiced her anger and sorrow — in reality, and Lelouch… Oh, Lelouch had tried to comfort him. His subconscious seemed to never remember that part of the day and only played his regretful imagination’s creation of it during nights.

That night he had yet again killed his best friend but Lelouch hadn’t died, just bled and grown furious. Not only that, but the fear of failing this whole Zero thing he had been doing longer than Lelouch haunted him as well. He was afraid that he was failing Lelouch again, afraid that one day everyone would find out who he was and thus abandon the world his dearest friend had created — died for, even —  just for them.

If that happened, there was no way he could justify killing Lelouch to himself, or Nunnally at that. Even now Suzaku couldn’t forgive himself, but at least he was able to get through his days without wanting and actually throwing himself from a cliff or a bridge or the like. Well, not that he could anyway, with that stupid “Live!” Geass still active.

Now that he was awake, he decided to do something productive — or at least something more productive than sitting on his bed without doing anything else. There was no way he could sleep soundly again after that nightmare anyway. He was not all that great at cooking without someone telling him what to do, but he wanted to make some food for himself nonetheless. Was it reasonable? Probably no, because he could have asked any of the cooks working in the palace to make him anything he wanted, but he wanted to try it out himself. Lelouch had been great at cooking, how hard could it really be?

 _Extremely difficult._ He had tried to make some omurice for himself, because it had always looked easy to make and the recipe wasn’t hard to follow, but well, frankly speaking, it ended with three broken eggs on the floor, half-burnt rice and ketchup all over the kitchen. He could see ketchup on windows, walls — and, somehow, even the _door_ that was behind him. He didn’t know how _that_ had happened. Suzaku just hoped no one wanted to come to the kitchen now because he really didn’t want to explain the mess the kitchen had become.

No, seriously, the kitchen looked like he had violently murdered someone in there.

He set the plate down and started cleaning. At least he knew how to do that. First, of course, he picked up the eggshells and mopped the floor, making himself some more area to move on. Then he wiped the ketchup off of the walls and — _the ceiling too??_ — the other surfaces it had flown onto, although it was mostly just the table. Oh, yeah, the pan was still full of the burnt rice he’d decided not to use, while the other was just oily. The day seemed to be going so well. 

After half an hour or so he was done and put some of the edible omurice in his mouth. Sure, it was cold, but at least it didn’t taste terrible. He had to admit that he missed Lelouch’s cooking.

And there he was again, thinking about the damned dead boy who just couldn’t make a plan that let him stay alive, not even with all the intelligence he had been blessed with. What did he mean ‘no other way? Of course there was another way, there always was! Lelouch had been the genius between the two of them, he should’ve been able to come up with another kind of way to atone and save the world.

“Oh, Lord Zero. I didn’t know you would be here”, said Cécile, opening the kitchen door with a creak.

So she still liked making (gruesome) food Suzaku used to eat (he had never wanted to come off as rude to someone who had accepted and respected him even as he was just a lowly Eleven. What a terrible way to call human beings, number them like they were inanimate objects). Suzaku quickly put on the mask he had taken off to eat. Thank god the collar of the cape was high and he had been facing the door.

“I’m sorry for suddenly just coming here. I got an idea to try cooking something Japanese — my friend and ex-colleague was Japanese, actually, but he died — for Lloyd, but I can go aw—”, she began rambling but Suzaku interrupted her.

“No, don’t apologise. I was just about to leave anyway. I’m sorry about your friend. May I ask how he died?”, Suzaku asked, hoping to find out if she knew he was still alive. Yes, even if he knew Cécile was smart enough to know what she could say not to slip up if she was trying to keep a secret.

The female scientist looked a bit uncomfortable so Suzaku opened his mouth to apologise when she started talking. Somehow she was able to do it just a second before he was about to voice his thoughts.

“He was the Knight of Zero — you’ve heard of him, surely — and while he and the emperor were on Damocles, he fought against the Black Knights and… died. His body was never found, but the late emperor had someone build him two graves. I believe you know where his grave in the palace is as it’s placed right next to Emperor Lelouch’s. Not many people know they never found any of his remains though.”

“I remember seeing you visiting his grave every now and then, sometimes with Earl Asplund”, Suzaku said and felt bad for pretending to be dead.

Cécile smiled and waved her hand nonchalantly. “It’s fine, it’s anyway been a decade since. It doesn’t hurt anymore. See you around, Lord Zero”, she smiled as she saw Zero was leaving. He nodded as goodbye and left the room.

After walking around the palace aimlessly for a while, he decided to take a walk in the Empress’ garden and visit Lelouch’s grave. The place — as many sad memories as he had there — had always been calming and peaceful, and it still looked much the same as it did when it had been in Lelouch’s possession. That was actually what Nunnally had wanted, as she wanted to keep something her big brother had left behind besides sad memories.

Suzaku took a deep breath right before entering the garden. While he was almost immediately filled with sadness for seeing memories all around the place with someone he could never see again, the peace created by the same memories was even stronger. It was almost like he could find traces of Lelouch everywhere, like he wasn’t completely gone. A tiny smile played on his lips as he walked to see Lelouch’s and his own (empty) grave. He knew he could be alone. Nunnally was most likely eating breakfast with Cornelia and Schneizel, Cécile was cooking, and Lloyd was… well, somewhere else, which was a good thing. There was no one else who would want to come to see the graves of the Knight of Betrayal and the Demon Emperor. Well, maybe Gino and Anya, but neither was free at the moment — he had checked just in case. He could just sit there in silence with no one interrupting him for a while, or, so he hoped.

He walked to the bench in front of the graves (it was originally built for Nunnally, but really, only Cécile and Suzaku ever used it — Nunnally wanted to sit on her wheelchair most of the time because that way she wouldn’t unnecessarily trouble anyone. She was too kind of a person. Besides, it was better for the empress to remain in her wheelchair anyway), and his mouth dropped open in shock. There was a tape left on it. He picked it up and—

“For Zero? Wha— What is the meaning of this?”, he wondered, voicing his thoughts. When Suzaku turned it around, he saw a message that was attached to it.

_Hello, Zero._

_I believe you decided to visit the emperor’s grave if you got this in your hands and are reading it now. Yes, I know you visit it regularly, there’s no reason to try and deny it. I can tell by the way he held you when you killed him that you had some kind of a special relationship — whether it be sexual, romantic or purely platonic. There’s no way the ‘Demon Emperor’ would embrace his own killer with such fond smile on his face unless he knew his killer and cared for them._

_The tape was recorded by the late emperor Lelouch vi Britannia himself, so make sure you’ll watch it. I found it on accident, and although I wasn’t able to hear or make out anything of it, I believe you might appreciate it. I guess there’s some special type of a device you need to be able to hear something. I wouldn’t put it past the emperor to take such actions to make sure anyone who isn’t the one he wants to know the message won’t get to know it._

_Perhaps, perhaps you’re the one who’s got the device it needs?_

_Love,_

_*****************_

The signature was smudged, thus making it impossible to read. Damn it. The message the letter contained sounded like someone knew his identity, which, if it turned out to be true, would be absolutely unacceptable. There was no way he could let anyone know Zero hadn’t been the same person these past eleven years because it would ruin everything. Well, anyone besides the Black Knights who knew the first Zero had been Lelouch, but even they couldn’t know it was now Suzaku.

Suzaku made the decision to watch the recording as soon as he was ready to go back to his room, because if he indeed needed  some specific device to hear it, it wouldn’t be all that surprising if he found out he possessed it. In case the tape held some private information or a private message, it would be very Lelouch like to do such a thing. How though, Suzaku had no idea.

Indeed, leave it to Lelouch to device such a plan before he died.

Then again, Lelouch would have needed to know what to use in order to let Suzaku watch it, and, well, the boy had been dead for a good week or two before Suzaku was given his television and sound systems, so it would be impossible for Lelouch to know how to do the thing. That was, unless he either knew what Cornelia and Schneizel would give him, he had left a message for Nunnally or someone else to get him the necessary devices, or he was… alive.

Lelouch being alive was unlikely, at least if you asked Suzaku. He also thought it was the cruelest and saddest possibility, yet the best one. And, he had to admit, while Suzaku would curse his friend to go burn in hell, he would have loved it, embraced him and never let go again.

That was a chance he’d given up on years and years ago.

The bench was cold when he sat on it. He held the tape in his hands and watched the grave of his dead best friend. Even though the clothing he wore was warm and kept the wind away, he was shivering. Suzaku heard the singing of the birds all around him, but like the tears that tried to prickle in his eyes, blurring his sight, the singing was muffled — as though he was underwater listening to it.

Before he turned around to leave, he stood up, he bowed to the grave as if he once again was the Knight of Zero, the one closest to Lelouch — aside from C.C., of course. These times were surely getting weirder with each day. First, he had seen how those Lelouch had become the enemy of were scared for _him_ on the day of _their_ execution, and now Zero received a message from someone who possibly knew who he was behind his mask. Not only that, but someone had actually thought Zero would want a recording Lelouch had apparently made and not turn it in to the Empress, or worse, someone like Schneizel.

The walk through the garden was silent. The slight breeze swayed the stunning flowers Nunnally had someone plant. He knew for a fact all of the flowers had a specific meaning — some of them Lelouch had chosen based on their meaning in hanakotoba, rest were based on meanings he had found in some book on the language of flowers. Not that Suzaku had ever dared to look up the meanings, he was too afraid to find out what his friend had been thinking the months preceding his death, too scared to find out if there was a message or the like waiting for him.

(He was certain there was. With Lelouch, there was almost never anything done without a lot of thinking and consideration.)

As he looked at the flowers more carefully, he saw there were bluebells, white, yellow and red camellias, some lilac flowers he didn’t know the name of, forget-me-nots (what a name to give a flower), gardenias and sweet peas on the right. All of them were placed with a lot of thought as the garden was very aesthetically pleasing. Those flowers were, according to Lelouch, chosen because of their meanings in hanakotoba. Lelouch had told him to check out all of them one day after Zero Requiem when he had more freedom to do what he wanted to.

Suzaku was definitely afraid of what the flowers would tell him, even after all this time.

On the left there were even more flowers — daffodils (there were two planted far from the rest of them, and apart from each other too. He still wondered why), more camellias, purple hyacinths, pink carnations, hyssops (how he had come to know their name, he had no idea. Maybe Lelouch had told him, and upon laying his eyes on them again, the name just popped up back to his mind), heliotropes (how did he remember this too??), as well as zinnias of different colours. 

Maybe three weeks after Zero Requiem Nunnally had made sure to write down where every single one of the flowers was placed and how many there were — and then she had had her gardeners take care of it and ensure nothing looked different unless Nunnally so requested. She’d clearly gone through a lot of work because the garden still looked the same as ten years ago.

He was still convinced that if he ever looked up all of the flowers, he’d find a message he really did not want to know.

— Which was exactly why he knew he needed to do it soon, just not now. Suzaku couldn’t take it. He had had his share of sadness for that week (more like for a lifetime). Apparently some upper deity wasn’t agreeing with him at all, because the world still kept throwing shit at him, like this message thing he found very odd.

There were only a few things Nunnally had changed in the garden just because she wanted. One of them was Lelouch’s grave because she needed a place to spend time with her brother, just talk to him about everything that was going on. The other was an archway decorated with flowers. He stopped right under it, examining the dark lilac and crimson, and white flowers on it. They were the only flowers in the garden Nunnally and Suzaku had chosen. They were the flowers they had chosen for his funeral, as well as the ones Nunnally kept placing on his grave every time she visited it. Suzaku felt his chest tighten looking at the flowers because all they did was to bring back the feelings and tears he had tried to bury deep inside.

The dark crimson roses were one of his favourites. His fingertips touched the soft petals of one of them in silence.

_Grief at a loss of a loved one or beloved friend._

That was the meaning of the roses. He really did grieve losing his friend. He bet Lelouch had thought Suzaku wouldn’t be this sad about it, that he’d get over it, but he never did. At this point, he was fairly sure the moment he would be over it would be the second he breathed his last breath. The one second he’d no longer be able to feel grief or agony would arrive the day his heartbeats ceased.

As he laid his eyes on the dark lilac orchids, he chuckled, sorrow and regret echoing in his voice. _I will always love you,_ indeed. Why did they have to choose that flower in the first place? Sure, they both loved Lelouch in their own ways, Suzaku didn’t really want to realise what his was. He knew there was a not-so-small chance it was more the “I’m in love with you” type of love and not the “you are my best friend so of course I love you” type of love.

To be honest, whichever it was, there should be an “even though you’ve been dead for ten years (and I should’ve moved on a long time ago)” added to both of them. Even so, he didn’t want to ever admit it to anyone, much less to himself.

And so Suzaku made up his mind, picked one of the chrysanthemums and went back to his room. He really needed to watch the tape. Suzaku walked through the hallways, past almost all of the bedrooms and studies in the castle. He’d been granted the permission to live there by Nunnally herself, and even though at first Cornelia had been reluctant, she had eventually given in on the condition that “Zero will protect the Empress with all of his power and even his life”, to which Suzaku had immediately agreed. Lelouch would have wished that as well.

Okay, he might have wanted someone else to do it as Suzaku was supposed to act as the almighty Zero and not his little sister’s knight. Besides that, there was probably no one else as capable of being Nunnally’s knight as Suzaku because she could confide in him with everything, even Lelouch’s death. Lelouch would have had to agree with him on that as well.

He and Nunnally actually travelled the world a lot. Nunnally wanted to make sure peace had prevailed everywhere. She went by different means than any of her predecessors and went herself to negotiate everything. Nunnally preferred showing the world a disabled girl was capable of reigning without people needing to tell her what to do. Sure, she did take an advisor with her whenever she deemed it necessary because it was foolish to be needlessly stubborn. The young empress never hesitated to put herself in danger if it meant she could help her people (or people in general), and she never wavered in her morals, never let go of her values or the decision to keep people safe. Nunnally wanted to ensure the peace her brother had died for lasted at least as long as she was alive. She was also kinder and gentler as an empress than anyone before her, but that surely didn’t mean Nunnally couldn’t be strict when the need came.

There was a yell in the castle, and although Suzaku wasn’t able to recognise who it belonged to or what the argument was about, he was somewhat curious. He decided to listen in.

“You can’t just do that for fuck’s sake!” A woman’s furious voice.

“Why?! I am allowed to do whatever I want to, and it’s not like it’ll hurt anyone!” A man’s voice, equally furious.

“First of all, you were stripped of the right to do whatever the hell you wanted years ago! And second of all, it’ll hurt Nunnally, and you know it pretty damn well!”

And so Suzaku left both the flower and the recording along with the message on his bed and began following the voices.

“How much can getting rid of two small, weathered graves hurt anybody? Cornelia, even with you acting like you know everything about kids’ feelings, I understand this kind of things way better than you do!”

“No way in hell that's true, you’ve never truly cared for other people’s feelings, even when we were only children!”

So it was Cornelia and Schneizel, arguing over something that would most likely hurt Nunnally. Now, usually Suzaku didn’t give a shit about the two of them arguing because they did it quite often, but the fact that whatever it was this time about could hurt his best friend’s sister was something he couldn’t let  slide. He walked over to them, determination in his step. He crossed his arms when he arrived to them, making both go silent the moment their eyes caught him.

“What is it now, Zero? Can’t you see we’re in the middle of an important discussion you clearly aren’t a part of?”, snapped Cornelia, unlike Schneizel who bowed to him. _So, the geass Lelouch cast on him hadn’t faded either._

“I think I should be, if it involves the Empress possibly getting hurt. After all, I _am_ the one who has sworn to protect her with my everything, even my life”, he stated as a matter of fact.

Cornelia grunted but left it at that, Schneizel, for his part, straightened himself and looked as well in Zero’s eyes as he could (the mask was in the way, of course).

“Well, I think we should remove and also probably destroy Lelouch and his betrayer knight’s graves. They are a disgrace to the entirety of the Britannian empire.”

Suzaku shook his head sighing.

“Prince Schneizel, they are placed in the Empress’ own private garden which no one else can do anything to for a reason. Unless she herself decides that they shall be destroyed, no one can do anything to the matter”, Suzaku explained. Every word he said was completely true, although he had to admit, he did have his own personal reasons for the graves to remain untouched.

Cornelia’s mouth dropped as Schneizel slowly nodded and answered with a “Yes, Lord Zero”. Zero wasn’t in any way above Schneizel (except for maybe on the chart of how much Nunnally likes people), and the only reason for her brother’s odd behaviour would be… geass? Did this Zero also possess it? She really hoped against it but decided she needed to confront him about it anyway. Preferably in front of Nunnally.

Nunnally too knew about the existence of the damned geass that eventually cost Euphie her life. After Cornelia had come to learn about it, she swore to get rid of every single human being in possession of a geass. Not that she thought she could actually succeed in it in reality, but at least she wouldn’t tolerate even one geass user in the palace, in the Royal Family’s or their closest servants and knights’ immediate presence. There was no way she would lose another sibling to geass as long as she had any say in it. Even Schneizel, even if her big brother annoyed the hell out of her.

“Zero, I want you to come with me”, she said (read: ordered), surprised again when Zero simply nodded.

“Well, I did have something else to take care of, but sure. Lead the way.”

He followed her as she began walking towards Nunnally’s study. They walked past empty rooms and over-decorated halls, past many servants who more often than not stopped in their tracks to look at the peculiar duo. It was likely that they were wondering why Zero was following their rather angry princess. The servants probably thought they couldn’t be caught staring at them anymore after they were behind them, but Suzaku had been quite observant of his surroundings ever since he became Zero. He couldn’t afford to let the secret be out, not when the one behind the plan had so desperately tried to change the world for the better that he had eventually come to sacrifice everything, even himself for it. No way Suzaku would ever let all of Lelouch’s hard work be in vain.

When the two of them stepped inside Nunnally’s study, Suzaku made sure he bowed properly, and not as the Empress’ personal knight like he almost always was about to do. Cornelia for one did nothing to show her little sister respect, looking furious, as though she was seconds away from flipping the desk Nunnally was currently using.

Well, maybe that was the wrong word to describe Cornelia’s expression, but there was something about it that screamed anger. Maybe some of the feelings she had felt upon hearing about Euphie’s death had come to surface again, now reflected on her face. It was like someone had set Cornelia’s eyes on fire. Her hands were fisted, and after looking at her for a while, the young Empress set the papers she had been reading on the table.

“What is it, sister, Zero? Did something bad happen?”, she asked, face unreadable and calm. There was no smile on her face, no, those she had mostly abandoned after watching her brother breathe his last breath in her hands.

“This man, this… Zero— he might be in possession of a geass, and I am not going to let anyone with such an abomination stay in this palace!”, Cornelia snarled and pointed at Suzaku.

Nunnally raised her eyebrow, looking at him questioningly.

“Well, Zero, is this true?”, she asked. Suzaku, once again, noted that while her voice was as soft as ever, it was no longer gentle most of the time. He knew that she was certain it wasn’t true, that he knew how much Suzaku himself despised geass, but he also knew that as the empress, she had to make sure her people weren’t in danger or under geass.

“It is not true, Your Majesty.”

“Then how do you explain the sudden change in Schneizel’s behaviour, Zero?!”, Cornelia accused, but stopped as Nunnally raised her hand as a gesture for wanting silence. She straightened herself and nodded as an apology.

The young Empress was still watching Suzaku, waiting for an answer.

 _Lelouch, she’s no longer the small and helpless girl, she’s definitely become a great empress and woman. She’s better than the two of us could have ever been._ Suzaku couldn’t help but smile a bit. Then he took his role as Zero again and looked at the young woman in front of his eyes.

“The late emperor — your brother — ordered Schneizel to ‘Serve Zero’, to quote his own words. This interaction was caught on the tapes filmed by the security cameras in the Damocles. That order, I believe, is the reason for his demeanour. I myself despise geass and would rather end the existence of the geass itself entirely.” Suzaku gestured at Cornelia.  “The reason your sister is accusing me of possessing it is the fact that when your brother Schneizel wanted to get rid of Sir Kururugi and the late emperor’s graves — those that are placed in your personal garden —, I told him not to. I told him that unless you, Empress Nunnally, ordered those graves to be disposed of, it shouldn’t happen. He ended up agreeing with me”, Suzaku explained calmly, like he thought Lelouch might have done in this kind of situation. He thought he succeeded, or at least hoped so. Sure, both Cornelia and Nunnally knew he wasn’t him, but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t still keep up the act.

Nunnally nodded, seemingly understanding what he said, and turned to her half-sister. “Sister, is this what happened? Did big brother Schneizel really want such a thing to happen? And what did you say about it?”

Cornelia looked somewhat troubled, knowing that was exactly what had happened back in the hallways, and there was no way she could deny it. She was sure that whoever was behind Zero’s mask could and would find a way to prove her wrong even if she tried to get them thrown out of the palace. After all, while this Zero wasn’t Lelouch, they had been able to keep up the act for ten years after her genius little brother. That was surely not an easy task. She sighed and nodded.

“That was indeed what happened. Schneizel said that Lelouch and that betrayer knight of his — Kururugi — are a disgrace to the Britannian empire, and that their graves should thus be gotten rid of. While I do agree with him, I know Lelouch was a brother, and a dear one at that, to youand so it could hurt you. I told Schneizel I was against it, and he didn’t listen to me”, Cornelia said defeated. Another reason to remember lying to Nunnally through one’s teeth was a bad idea was that even though she rarely showed it, Nunnally was just as smart and cunning as Lelouch had been. Vi Britannias in general seemed to be scary and able to see right through people if they lied. They seemed to also be scarily defensive of their loved ones and capable of doing even the most vicious things imaginable if they were hurt, like Lelouch.

And besides, Nunnally seemed to have decided to put an enormous amount of trust and faith in Zero. It was likely she’d rather listen to them than her, even if she was her sister and Zero was someone completely different.

That always made Cornelia wonder if those two in fact did know each other better than one would think and were friends behind the mask. Well, however it was, she knew she’d never come to learn the truth.

Nunnally hummed silently, expressing she’d heard and understood what she was saying.

“Very well. Tell big brother Schneizel that all his rights to any of my properties have been taken away, and the only thing he’s allowed to do with that garden ever again is visit it, and even that only if I am with him. You’re dismissed. Zero, I’d like to talk with you for a while, if that’s okay?”, Nunnally asked, satisfied as Suzaku nodded.

Cornelia remembered to bow to her sister this time and left the room. As the door slammed shut, Nunnally closed the laptop next to her and her papers, making it clear that she wanted to have a conversation with him without unnecessary distractions.

“Suzaku, won’t you take your mask off? The last time I saw your face in person was the day we buried big brother. It’s still you, right?”, she requested with a soft voice, but Suzaku shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Nunnally. I decided that I won’t take it off in other people’s presence ever again on that day. Well, unless it one day ends up being crucial for something. I promised Lelouch I would become the perfect Zero. I’d rather not betray that promise too. You heard Cornelia, Kururugi Suzaku has the reputation of being a betrayer and nothing else. That’s who I left behind and quit being. Kururugi Suzaku is dead, so is Lelouch, and the only one alive and left behind is Zero. And, well, you.”

Nunnally looked at him disapprovingly, but didn’t keep arguing.

“Fine. Just remember, big brother would still want you to take care of yourself, even if you no longer lived your life as who you were.” She shook her head, chuckling sadly. “Seriously, you two were always so reckless, even with his so careful planning. I still think there were way better ways to finish your plan with, like faking his death and nothing else. At least then he wouldn’t be actually dead, you could have reached the same result, and I could maybe see him again.”

“Yeah.” There was obvious pain in Suzaku’s voice, heartbreak even.

“Did you love him?”, Nunnally suddenly asked, managing to make the simple question sound like she knew him better than he himself did. Maybe she did. He had never given it much thought.

“I don’t know, maybe”, he answered even though he knew the answer was yes. He glanced downwards and his shoulders dropped. He was no longer able to look like Zero. It didn’t matter that he had the suit on because Zero never lost his calm, and he was never in despair. At least not because of dead people. Well, that was the image of Zero from ten years ago he had to keep up, that was the Zero from ten years ago. It wasn’t this Zero who had murdered his best friend.

“I… never truly hated him, I think.” He said finally, after being quiet for a while. Truth be told, it was a whisper rather than not. Nunnally probably barely heard him. She motioned Suzaku to sit in the chair in front of her, and so he did. It was easier not to have to stand on his feet anyway, because he knew himself well enough and thus knew having to think and talk about Lelouch often got him on the brink of a mental breakdown. He would rather not get one in front of his childhood friend. Even if Suzaku knew she was now an adult and knew how to take care of herself and that she could handle her friend breaking down, he didn’t want to force her into that situation. He really didn’t.

“Even when you found out he was Zero? I mean, you saw him kill Euphie, and it was because of him you were falsely arrested for murdering brother Clovis. Even when he did his all to stop you from being on the side you chose yourself?”

“...Even then.”

“I think you loved him.”

Suzaku thought about those simple words. He felt a bittersweet smile being drawn on his lips before he opened his mouth again.

“I think… I guess so”, he said. It would be no use to deny it, not to the one person who knew both who he was and knew what Lelouch had wanted. Why would he do so anyway? Euphie had been dear to him, he probably loved her in the sense she was everything he wasn’t and could never be — good-natured, kind, beautiful, gentle, welcoming, accepting, forgiving, so full of love for everyone, someone who _hadn’t_ committed patricide impulsively… She was just perfect. His love for her had probably been born out of admiration rather than true romantic feelings.

But Lelouch. Oh, Lelouch had been so much like him. He was flawed, he was ready to go against his own land and people if it meant getting closer to his goals, he too ended up killing his own father (the only difference was, Lelouch’s deed had been fully intentional), he was ready to kill, he _killed_ , his nature seemed to be that of a demon rather than a human, he was never not prepared to fight.

Lelouch had never been perfect, which set them on the same level. With Lelouch, Suzaku had always known he wasn’t alone. They were both capable of hating deeply and loving even more deeply. They were both fucked up, so self-sacrificing that it became toxic but then again, that was probably why they went so well together. They were able to deal with the other’s bullshit.

Then again, it was always only Suzaku who refused to admit his deeds to be wrong or evil. Lelouch had always said he knew what he did was wrong, but decided to do so anyway for the sake of those he loved. He never denied it.

Suzaku felt a warm hand on his gloved one and looked upwards again. It was Nunnally, trying to comfort the mess he was, and so Suzaky placed his other hand on Nunnally’s to show her he’d noticed the kindness she never failed to give him.

“It’s okay, Suzaku. It’s okay to mourn him and be sad about what happened. Besides, you can finally stop blaming yourself, he asked you to do it. I’m sure my big brother wouldn’t have wanted you to feel like this, and neither do I”, she assured him.

“Did you love him?”, he asked in turn silently, still watching Nunnally. The young woman hummed.

“I still do. I think that even during his tyranny, I never stopped loving him. And, when he finally slid down the ramp to me, I understood everything. I understood why he had done it all, that he had asked you to kill him for the world, and most importantly, how he never stopped loving or regretting his actions”, Nunnally said, gulping as she tried to stop her tears.

“First, I didn’t want to forgive you because he was my brother and you weren’t, and nothing in the world could replace him. I watched the recording of the day a few weeks later, and then when I saw him showing such affection towards you even in the very end, I had to. I still— I still—”, she started, but had to stop as her tears began flowing down her cheeks.

Suzaku let her cry, and when she seemed to be done, he handed her a handkerchief to dry her tears. Gratefully, she took it from his hand and wiped her eyes. Nunnally took a few deep breaths before continuing what she was saying.

“I still can’t understand why you two couldn’t have come up with another plan, but I know what he was like. I know my brother was always far too stubborn for his own good, and I know that once he decided on a plan, he refused to change it even if there was a better, easier option”, she chuckled with no happiness in her voice.

“Does the hurting ever stop?”

“No, and you know it just as well as I do. But, you get used to it. You learn to live with it and move on, hope happiness comes across your way again”, she said and looked at him with gentle eyes. Suzaku noticed how there was still no smile and felt guilty once again. He felt like it was his (and Lelouch’s) fault that Nunnally no longer smiled as often. He hadn’t seen many genuine and truly happy smiles on her lips after Zero Requiem. Sure, she had this polite smile that could deceive anyone who didn’t know her all that well for the occasions she met with the leaders and representatives of other nations, but Suzaku could tell it was never happy. The last time he had seen her truly smile was when they talked about their good memories with Lelouch, and that too happened a few weeks ago.

Suzaku stood up and bowed to Nunnally. “I’ll take my leave now, Your Majesty.” He walked towards the door when he heard a quiet voice, _“Please, take care of yourself for both of our sakes, Suzaku”._ He wasn’t sure it was Nunnally, because something seemed odd about it. There was something darker and deeper in the tone, but when he glanced back, he only saw the young empress working again and no one else.

“I will”, he whispered back, surprised when he heard soft chuckling echoing all around him. Maybe it was just his imagination running wild. That must have been it.

Suzaku looked around himself when he stepped out of the door, as though seeing other people was a bad thing (it was). He was thankful the hallways were mostly empty, and the only ones he saw were servants that besides respecting him were also scared of him. Suzaku wasn’t sure whether their fear was a good thing.

When he finally got back to his room, he sighed out of pure relief. He hadn’t had to go through too much interaction, and as that meant not having as many chances to fail his act, it was indeed a good thing. He picked up the flower he had left on his bed and placed it in a glass full of water (apparently he was no longer going to drink the water) he had on his desk so that it wouldn’t wilt as quickly.

Watching the flower, its meaning returned to Suzaku’s mind. If he was correct, the white chrysanthemums meant _deep sadness and lamentation_ in many Asian cultures. He and Nunnally had wanted at least one of the funeral flowers have a meaning there, as Lelouch’s best friend was Suzaku who just so happened to be Asian. Another reason for using it was because they were fairly sure Lelouch had liked being in Japan.

Suzaku decided he should finally watch the recording, so he put it in the television’s video player. He sat on his bed and waited for the video to start playing. When it did, he saw the face of his best friend again, but even though Lelouch’s lips were moving, Suzaku heard nothing. He guessed the camera Lelouch had used didn’t record voice, or then the electronics Suzaku owned and didn’t understand much of didn’t match with whatever Lelouch had used.

Suzaku was just about to pause the video and stop watching it when he realised the video was never supposed to have any voice, but it was certainly meant for Suzaku.

The message it contained wasn’t conveyed with words. _It was conveyed with the sign language Lelouch had created for the two of them back when they were kids eighteen years ago._

_That bastard._

He had to rewind the video to the beginning in order to watch it again and this time he made sure to pay attention to Lelouch’s hands. A lot of it, because he hadn’t used nor seen those gestures and signs in ten years.

“Happiness… back… we… lead… enough… kind… and… punishment… we— no, _our_ … suffer… already… have… we…. think(maybe?)... God… there… if… again… meet… we… let… (A pause) Please… flower… look up…. (another pause)... Myself… you… message… deliver… no… I… and… this… do… you… make… I apologise… Suzaku…”, he muttered to himself as he watched the video. The last thing he saw before the screen blank was Lelouch smiling. Why was he allowed to smile (even if it was only a recording) if Suzaku hadn’t been able to in years?

Besides, the message made absolutely _no_ sense. He watched the video again and again but it didn’t turn into anything more sense-making. Suzaku still wanted to know what the hell it was about so he didn’t stop.

Eventually he decided to try reading Lelouch’s lips. He was terrible at it, but he thought that maybe there was something hidden in the video that could help him understand the message. After all, Lelouch had known perfectly well how dumb Suzaku was in some things — it had taken him ages to learn all the signs and gestures, too.

“ _The other way around, Zero. Read it the other way around, you will understand if you do that._ ” Apparently he had been smart enough to say Zero instead of Suzaku. Well, it was Lelouch he was talking about, of course he had been smart enough. The thing was, that meant he had recorded it only a bit before his death, in the 4 months before Zero Requiem, but he had been with Lelouch almost at all times and still didn't recognise the place he’d recorded it at nor the clothing he had used, which was odd. Well, maybe he had done it while Suzaku had been sleeping in one of the hidden rooms in the palace.

But seriously though, what was it supposed to mean? Nothing, probably.

_Unless…_

Suzaku watched the video again, pausing it after every sign to write them down. After he was done, he read them the other way around just like he had been instructed to.

The message read:

 

_Suzaku I apologise make you do this and I no deliver message you myself._

_Look up flower please._

_Let we meet again if there God think we have already suffer our punishment and kind enough lead we back happiness._

 

At least it made more sense now, but still he wasn’t quite sure what it said since it sounded like someone who didn’t know English nor Japanese had tried to write a message — and failed pretty much completely.

The only thing which meaning he was sure he understood was the second sentence. He should probably really look up the damn flowers then, seeing as he even after a decade got a message that told him to do that. Damned Lelouch.

He read the message over and over until he finally realised what it was saying, until the words started getting together by themselves and making sense. All the words hadn’t been in the message because they didn’t have signs. Suzaku started filling the empty spots with the correct verb conjugations, prepositions and other words that seemed the most reasonable.

In the end he held the paper he had written it all on in front of him. Suzaku read the words quietly and felt a lump in his throat.

_Suzaku, I apologise for making you do this and not delivering the message to you by myself. Look up the flower meanings, please. Let us meet again if there is a god that thinks we have already suffered our punishment and is kind enough to lead us back to happiness._

Hot, burning tears were making their way to his eyes.

 _For fuck’s sake, Lelouch. Not fine._ **_Not fine._ **

And even though it was only afternoon, Suzaku no longer had any energy or strength to stay awake. He hoped Nunnally wouldn’t need him that day. It wouldn’t matter if someone else did as long as Nunnally said no since she was the only one who could tell him to do anything.

He took off his mask and wanted to throw it on the other side of the room. He kind of wanted it to break so that he couldn’t come out of his room for a few days, but the problem was that he knew there were more than that one mask, precisely because it was always possible that his mask would break. The ridiculous purple and golden suit he was wearing ended up on the floor. It would probably be creased by the time he woke up, but Suzaku couldn’t bring himself to care at all. Why would he, anyway? It wasn’t like he didn’t have a bunch of them.

Suzaku lay on the bed and pulled the blanket over his head after locking the door. He took the message he had written based on Lelouch’s gestures to his hands, reading it again. That bastard just had to leave something like that behind for him to find.

And it wasn’t even the only message, because he still hadn’t even tried to figure out the message hidden in the garden. Suzaku knew that whatever the message the flowers held would be sad and something he didn’t want to know. It wouldn’t be heartbreaking, not when so many of the things Lelouch had done were likely even worse, but he was sure it would hurt him anyway.

Suzaku fell asleep with tears in the corners of his eyes, not waiting for the next day to come.

He dreamt of Lelouch once again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly thank you for the kudos and comments I got in the last chapter! Believe me when I say that when I read the comments, my days got a lot better. I actually talked about how happy I was to receive them to a few people :')
> 
> Like always, I love reading your comments and getting feedback. 
> 
> And you can also come to talk to me about whatever in my [tumblr](Ethelphantom.tumblr.com)!


	3. Truth Behind the Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes finding out more about someone you love is great and brings you joy. Other times it make you regret all your life choices, like now. 
> 
> But hey, what's the worst thing Lelouch could have left him? Not this, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you remember the many flowers in the garden? If you didn't look them up already, you're gonna find out their meanings now.
> 
> Also, once again, I'm so grateful for my friend who takes time to read all these chapters before I post them, she's amazing. 
> 
> And, I still have a lot of italicised texts, they're either the flower meanings, thoughts, a flashback, something completely else or me stressing words and phrases. 
> 
> Hope you like it!

It only took Suzaku a week to finally muster the courage he needed to look up the flower meanings. He had had to prepare himself for whatever he was up for, so he’d pretty much spent three hours every day in the shower or bath trying to calm himself down (the bath was always warm and full of bubbles. The shower, however… That was cold as ice. He wasn’t sure which helped him more so he used both). He had also gone to the kitchen often to see if he found any food he could just take and eat. Mostly he found food Cécile had cooked but even though it wasn’t necessarily good even now, it brought back many good memories. Besides, she had gotten better at it with years of practice.

Cécile actually caught him red-handed once, but before Suzaku could have apologised, she had laughed and said she was glad  _ someone _ ate them. Apparently Lloyd was being a shit and refusing to eat anything again, and because she was too used to cooking a lot and couldn’t eat it all herself, she was happy Suzaku ate it and seemed to like it, too.

And so here he was, a computer on his lap, a book on the language of flowers in his bag and a plate full of food beside him. He sat in the garden and was about to go through the meanings. Suzaku had also brought tissues with him in case he started crying too much, but it was unlikely he would use them.

He quickly found a page he could check what hanakotoba said about them. It didn’t take him long to find the meaning of the first flowers, bluebells.  _ Grateful _ , it said. He wasn’t exactly sure for what Lelouch was grateful but supposed it was about Zero Requiem. That wasn’t a bad thing to learn since it reminded him that Lelouch had asked for Suzaku to kill him.

The other thing it could mean was probably every single time Suzaku had saved Lelouch from dying, beginning from the time Emperor Charles had attacked Japan.

How ironic, the two things he could be grateful for were the times Suzaku had saved his life or the time Suzaku had taken his life from him.

The message behind camellias wasn’t as fun to find out.  _ Waiting, longing.  _ White and yellow camellias. That was okay. What was  _ not _ okay was the red one —  _ In love. Perishing with grace. You are a flame in my heart.  _ Good god. Lelouch had probably just chosen wrong flowers. That must’ve been it.

But no, Lelouch never did anything on accident, at least not something like this, considering this wasn’t something he had done in a hurry for sure. So, could it really be meant for Suzaku? No way, there was no way Lelouch vi Britannia could have ever been in love with Kururugi Suzaku, not when he had had all those gorgeous women around him all the time, wanting him and — but had Lelouch ever shown any interest towards people in a romantic sense anyway? Not really, now that he thought about it. Maybe a bit with Shirley, but even then it hadn’t been anything grand. And the ones he had ever considered the dearest to him had been his little sister and, well, Suzaku himself. C.C. had also without a doubt been a dear one, but all she had ever been was an accomplice and a friend, or so Lelouch had told him. And even then, she hadn’t been on the same level as Nunnally and Suzaku had.

In order to forget about the red camellia Suzaku had to keep going, and started instead searching for the name of the lilac — or were they in fact black? He didn’t know —  flowers next to the camellias. Apparently their name was Fritillaria Camschatcensis and they meant…  _ Love and curse. _ Suzaku sort of wanted to punch Lelouch and demand him to tell why there were flowers for love, although this time it was just love and nothing else. It could be purely platonic, right?

That would be more okay. It hurt a lot though, he had never heard Lelouch actually saying he loved him out loud. Actually, maybe learning this about the person he cared for and loved the most, even after said person had been dead for a decade, hurt even more than knowing his best friend was dead. Learning that Lelouch had truly loved him after a decade hurt because now it was too late to give him any kind of an answer back.

Before he even got around to looking up the meaning of the forget-me-nots, he somehow knew they meant  _ true love _ . It just came to his head, and because he was sure about it, he didn’t bother checking and confirming it.

Maybe Lelouch had never told him any of this out loud because he knew Suzaku would refuse to kill him, and that wouldn’t have worked well for his plans. Then again, it could have also been just Lelouch being himself and not being very good at expressing his genuine and positive feelings with words.

Gardenias and sweet peas had been planted with each other in a way that no one would be able to tell where one began and the other ended, so he guessed they were supposed to be one message.

Suzaku looked up the meanings and although he felt like he was choking, he wasn’t surprised at all.  _ Secret love _ and  _ goodbye. _ Of course. At this point, Suzaku was sure Lelouch had indeed been in love and just never dared to tell him. Not that he was any better, trying to deny the same kind of feelings when he was 28 and hadn’t been a kid in years. He wasn’t old, that he knew, but he also hadn’t been a teenager in 9 years. One would think he could at least admit his own feelings to himself, even if he never told anyone else about them.

Suzaku shook his head in an attempt of clearing his mind and took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to stay in his thoughts when he still had flowers and their meanings left to find out, he couldn’t afford to break down just because his feelings got in the way. He tried to keep everything else gone from his mind, not that it was easy — or that he actually succeeded.

_ “Suzaku, when I am dead — after Zero Requiem —, please look up the flower meanings”, Lelouch said. There was an expression on his face that Suzaku wasn’t able to recognise, but he seemed to be serious. There were also hints of sadness, uneasiness and apologeticness in it, but maybe it was the look of heartache that made his expression impossible to give a name to.   _

_ “Yes, of course, I’ll do whatever Your Majesty wishes”, Suzaku answered with a stoic expression on his face, only to see Lelouch shake his head and sigh. _

_ “I did not request it as the emperor but your friend, Suzaku. After all, we  _ are  _ friends, aren’t we?” _

_ “We are, Lelouch, for the past eight years. Yes, I’ll do as you requested”, Suzaku answered with a gentle smile, tilting his head slightly to the side. He received one in return from his most beloved friend, and while it made him happy, it was also a reminder that the days he could see him smiling in person were running out. _

_ Lelouch pointed at the flowers on the left and told Suzaku about a few of them. _

_ “That one, the long purple-ish one with small flowers, it’s a hyssop. It isn’t rare, but often people don’t remember its name anyway. I guess most people don’t care about flowers in the first place. Oh, and that one with lilac and purple tiny flowers, it’s called heliotrope. If I recall correctly, both Nunnally and Euphemia loved them when they were young.” Lelouch chuckled before he continued. “The two of them loved them for both their beautiful colour and their vanillic smell. They even had Clovis and Cornelia buy them a perfume that smelled like heliotropes when they travelled.” _

_ “Personally, I liked them for their meaning, although I never comprehended what it meant until a year or so ago. Sure, I understood what it meant in words, but never what it truly meant to people.” _

_ Suzaku looked at his friend baffled but didn’t ask for Lelouch to explain. If Lelouch wanted to keep talking, he would listen. Of course. If he didn’t, it wasn’t Suzaku’s place to force him to talk. _

_ “Anyway, you can look up the meaning later. Those are hyacinths, those carnations, and those are called zinnias…”, he kept on explaining while pointing at different flowers, and when he had finally named every single one of them, Lelouch took a deep breath. _

_ “The ones on the right I chose for their meaning in hanakotoba. I believe you can guess it’s the Japanese form of the language of flowers. I wanted to have them here as a reminder for you that I never hated the Japanese, just in case you get pulled in hating me too. Well, I’m sure you should hate me, I’ve probably wronged you more than anyone. Maybe it’s just me being selfish, wanting someone to remember me for being Lelouch and not the Demon Emperor, but you’re most likely the only one I can ever tell any of this to. Well, besides Jeremiah, but unlike you, he’s not my friend”, Lelouch said, and Suzaku could have sworn he saw a glint of both joy and sorrow dancing in the other’s eyes. _

_ “The fact they were chosen because of hanakotoba is also a reminder that you were my friend above all others, that I valued you more than I can tell”, he murmured quietly. In fact, his words were so quiet Suzaku only barely caught it, only barely heard the words that left his mouth. _

_ “On the left side, the true meanings can be found in the book of flowers I left in Nunnally’s old room. If she doesn’t burn it on the sight, I believe you can get it from her if you ask, or you could get someone else to ask it from her.” _

Suzaku had nodded but promptly forgotten about it. Right now he was slightly mad at himself for doing this, for deciding to go through this but then again, he had gone through ten years without granting Lelouch’s wish, the one he had made as Suzaku’s dearest friend and not the most tyrannic emperor the world had ever seen. There was absolutely no reason or excuse he could provide and give himself for not doing it. After all, if he had made it as the emperor, he could have not done it because ‘Kururugi Suzaku’ was dead, just like Lelouch. Only Zero was left anymore. But no, it had been from a friend to another. From someone who wished to be remembered as he truly was to another.

He sighed taking the book he had asked for Nunnally to lend him for some time earlier that day, going through its pages. It didn’t take him long to find the camellias’ meaning —  _ My destiny is in your hands  _ — and wanted to curse Lelouch for doing this again. He felt like something was crushing his chest, which indeed was not comfortable.

After all, that was exactly how it had been. Suzaku could have chosen to save Lelouch — maybe killed everyone else instead (what was he even thinking?), or maybe he could have had the sword pierce another part of his body so that the wound hadn’t been fatal. If he had done that, Lelouch would have only been in really bad condition. Or, maybe he could have—

It was meaningless to think and consider the other possible outcomes for something that had already happened, for something he couldn’t change since Lelouch was already dead. That’s why he forced himself to stop his train of thought and search for the information of carnations. The elegant, pink flowers somehow reminded him of his best friend’s grace and delicacy.

“‘ _ I will never forget you _ ’, huh? Are you trying to say you literally chose these flowers just to remind me of yourself? As if that was necessary, I couldn’t forget you even if I wanted and tried to”, he laughed sadly. It was like that had been his exact purpose.

“Or is it that you’re saying you’ll never forget me, even in the afterlife or the possible next life? What is it?”

It was somehow amusing in a sad, twisted way, trying to ask a dead person to tell him what he had meant.

The next ones were heliotropes, the ones Lelouch had talked a lot about yet not told him the meaning of. He had a bad feeling about it, but even so the recollections he had of the conversation made him slightly curious about the meaning. What kind of a flower would be able to catch his interest so deeply that Lelouch had remembered it even after being away from his family and childhood home so long, that Suzaku couldn’t understand. Well, that was until his eyes found the word ‘heliotrope’, reading the meaning below it. Suddenly the realisation and understanding of Lelouch’s words hit him like a bullet train. Of course.

_ Eternal love. _

_ What else could have it been? How had Suzaku not seen this coming? _

Suzaku felt his breath being caught in his throat and found it extremely difficult to breathe. Not that this was the first declaration of love the flowers had told him, but ‘eternal love’ was something completely different. It was something he never thought anyone could actually feel towards him, or at the very least not after everything he had seen and gone through with, for and because of Lelouch. After almost killing Lelouch and getting killed by the other he couldn’t believe that Lelouch would have still been able to love him, especially not ‘eternally’. And frankly speaking, there hadn’t been just one or two times they had almost killed each other.

His hands began shaking without him being able to stop them. Suzaku bit his tongue as to stop himself from crying because this made him feel worse than he would have ever believed, if not for this moment and having to experience it himself. He had to read the words in the book with cloudy eyes since the tears that refused to leave his eyes blurred his vision.  _ Hyacinths, hyacinths, hyacin— oh, there.  _ He read the meaning of the beautiful purple flowers,  _ please forgive me _ , and hyssops right below it. Apparently, they meant  _ sacrifice. _

When he looked at the garden again, he realised the two kinds of flowers had been planted next to each other so that they were mixed in the middle. How fitting, really.

“ _ Please forgive me for the sacrifice I made for the world, please forgive me for being the sacrifice, please forgive me for making your happiness the sacrifice _ ”, they seemed to say, or so Suzaku at least thought. And even if that wasn’t it, all of those things were something for Lelouch to apologise for. If only he had been still there next to him, but no. Knowing Lelouch was dead was a relief, yet something so painful. He was glad they performed Zero Requiem for the world, yet he hated it and himself for agreeing to do it.

Then again, he wouldn’t have let anyone else kill Lelouch, no way. He would have killed them before they were even within a 20 metre radius from Lelouch. If someone had to do it, there was no way he would have let it be anyone but himself.

The zinnias growing almost everywhere were all in different colours, making the garden look livelier. Suzaku opened the page for ‘z’ in the book and looked through the few names there were. It wasn’t surprising at all that he found ‘zinnia’ rather quickly.

Apparently they were most often meant to be reminders to never forget absent friends. Suzaku, again, wanted to punch Lelouch in the face because Suzaku thought it wasn’t fair the boy still tried his best to make sure he wouldn’t ever be forgotten by Suzaku — as though that was even possible.

As he began reading the text more carefully, he saw that different colours had different meanings. Yellow zinnias were a message of ‘ _ daily remembrance _ ’ and magenta ones meant  _ lasting affection,  _ whereas white zinnias symbolised  _ pure goodness. _ Red ones meant ‘ _ of the heart, steadfastness, familial ties, like the steady beating of a heart _ ’ if Suzaku was to quote the book itself. Mixed were the symbol of ‘ _ thinking of an absent friend _ ’, which was the most known meaning.

There was so much he wanted to ask Lelouch about but, of course, he was dead. Of course Suzaku wasn’t allowed a chance to ask any of his many questions.

After all, Lelouch had come to the conclusion he had to die for his sins. Suzaku  _ lived _ for his.

So, even if Suzaku wished he could die, he wasn’t allowed to since it was supposed to be his punishment. Besides, he couldn’t, what with the still (forever) active geass command. Suzaku  _ was  _ the cause of many deaths even if he had liked to pretend that wasn’t the case back when he was still a knight of the empire and not Zero. Suzaku wasn’t proud of his actions and was definitely not trying to find any excuses for doing them anymore. It was both a relief and a pain that almost no one knew who was behind the damned (ridiculous) mask. He could just watch the world move on without him.

Mentally scolding himself for stopping again, he went back to the beginning of the book, searching for ‘d’. The only flower he hadn’t yet found out was the yellow flower he always saw everywhere around Easter — daffodil. He had somehow managed to skip it earlier and never bothered to go back to it.

He wished he hadn’t looked it up, either.

The damned flower said  _ everything _ he wanted but was not allowed to hope or wish for because it was impossible and it would have made everything they had done, everything the world had suffered for with him and Lelouch, all of those sacrifices they had made, pointless, useless. All of them would have been in vain. It would also mean only one of them had been punished.

_ Rebirth, new beginning, eternal life. _

He truly wanted to curse Lelouch.

Then, then he remembered it was impossible, he knew Lelouch was dead and that was that. He had tried to hear him breathing, tried to feel his heartbeats but neither had existed any longer. Suzaku himself had taken them away from Lelouch. They had buried him in a coffin, he had seen him lay there lifeless, the calm, satisfied smile living on his face forever. Any hopes of a living Lelouch were pointless, he did know that.

Suzaku buried his face in his hands, tears finally flowing down his cheeks. The mask was slowly starting to taste like his salty tears, and even though he wanted to laugh for thinking that, it also made his pain so much more real.

After calming down, Suzaku continued reading. He came to the conclusion those three things hadn’t been the message after all, because daffodils also symbolised  _ unrequited love. _ That was a more likely meaning, surely. Lelouch had probably thought Suzaku wasn’t in love with him but honestly, Suzaku wasn’t sure if he knew he was himself back then. Probably not.

He also found out that while a bunch of daffodils together indicated joy and happiness, a single one pretty much foretold a misfortune, and suddenly the odd way Lelouch had planted the flowers in made perfect sense. It really became crystal clear.

The two flowers planted away from the rest and apart from even each other were like Lelouch and Suzaku. They weren’t together and since they weren’t allowed to be with anyone but their own selves ever again, so they weren’t happy. They told of their own misfortune.

The rest of the flowers were the rest of the world, happy and joyful as long as they were together — without Lelouch and Suzaku. Because Lelouch and Suzaku always ruined the world, they destroyed it even when they did it for happiness. It was their fault so many had perished just like flowers, all because Lelouch and Suzaku were too close. 

Of course that was what it had to mean. Lelouch always thought everything through so carefully. He always did everything with so much thought. He had even been able to make the tableau pictured by the flowers reality with humans, and he couldn’t control humans like flowers. Even in all the sadness the script Lelouch had written held, it was beautiful, so delicately executed until the very end.

And how ironical was it that he had entrusted Suzaku to carry it out, how he believed Suzaku would be able to really kill him. How he had put all his faith in Suzaku, hoped he would follow the carefully written script and execute it perfectly until the end — and to Suzaku, the script didn’t end at Lelouch’s death. Suzaku sneered sorrowfully at the word ‘execute’. After all, he had definitely executed the plan by executing Lelouch.

Suzaku wasn’t sure how messed up their story could prove itself to be in the end. He didn’t even want to know.

He sighed sadly and packed his stuff after glaring at Lelouch’s grave, as if it was him or could see Suzaku be mad at him — especially from behind Zero’s mask he never took off in public.

He kind of hoped Kallen was in Britannia because while the girl knew full well he wasn’t Lelouch, she still respected him for being Zero. Suzaku missed talking to his old friends even if he found it uncomfortable, even though he knew he couldn’t talk to them as Kururugi Suzaku anymore.

Now that Suzaku thought about it, the fierce young woman was definitely in Britannia. She was one of the core members of the black Knights, and the tenth anniversary of Zero Requiem — or Zero’s day like everyone else called it — was approaching. The day was, in fact, in only a week, so many of the Black Knights were without a doubt in Britannia or coming there within the next few days.

Finding Kallen was what he genuinely hoped for as he walked out of the garden, left his things in his room and went outside the palace walls for the first time in a week. Suzaku, even with his not-so-nice past with the Black Knights, wanted to find them and ask for Kallen. He wanted to talk with her and maybe either find out what her relationship was with Gino or maybe hint that the blond knight liked her as more than a friend in case she liked him back. Suzaku had now been watching Gino pine over the hot-headed Black Knight for ten years and he was starting to think it was enough.

And so Suzaku walked down the streets of the capital city, with so much (false, pretentious) pride that no one could have been able to tell him apart from Lelouch’s Zero — except, of course, if they had spent a lot of time with him and/or knew who the first Zero had been.

Even if Suzaku had been Zero ten times longer than Lelouch had, he had been trying to keep up the act so hard that if he slipped out of it now, most people would notice immediately. The biggest problem with Suzaku now wearing the mask of Zero, the absolutely ridiculous black cape and the even more ridiculous purple and golden suit, was that he wasn’t as naturally dramatic as his dead friend had been. Suzaku wasn’t capable of forgetting himself and stepping in the role of an overdramatic knight of justice with too many preposterous gestures, unlike Lelouch. Or maybe it was that it had actually been a part of Lelouch, a part of his personality he had kept carefully hidden under his calm and collected shell, even from the ones he had held the dearest.

Suzaku wasn’t even sure why the thought of Lelouch keeping anything hidden from him was such an uncomfortable one.

When he finally found the place the Black Knights were supposed to live in for a few days or the next two weeks to come, he walked up the stairs all the way to the door of his old martial arts teacher. Tohdoh had stayed in the order even after they were no longer needed as a military force, but well, it didn’t matter all that much. The tall man had been one of the only people who ever seemed to understand Suzaku’s motives and ideals, the one who told him to do what he believed in, but still, he had been his enemy.

Sure, Tohdoh hadn’t agreed or understood him in the end anymore, but that was okay. Anyone he and Lelouch hadn’t decided to tell about Zero Requiem wasn’t supposed to know anyway. And now that Suzaku was no longer Suzaku and only a mere symbol of justice and peace, they didn’t have to go against each other anymore. Then again, technically they still weren’t on the same side for Zero was a neutral being, always against oppression no matter who was doing it. That, and because Suzaku had abandoned his own, long dead self, they weren’t old acquaintances either.

Suzaku knocked on the door. It took a few moments before he heard any kind of an answer or any kind of movement seemed to happen inside the room. First, he heard footsteps, then a creak of a chair and then, finally, an invitation of sorts; “come in”. He opened the door with a creak and saw a familiar, though aged, face staring at him surprised.

“Oh, Zero? What are you, of all people, doing here?”, he asked, keeping his voice steady even though Suzaku was certain he heard caution in it as well. His attitude wasn’t a surprise and Suzaku took no offence for it, seeing as the previous Zero (Tohdoh definitely knew it had been Lelouch and he had seen him die with his own two eyes, too) had eventually first ‘betrayed’ the Black Knights and then become the emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire who took over the whole world, the demon emperor that had almost executed him. It was both understandable and acceptable that he was being cautious.

“I was looking for Ms. Kozuki. Has she arrived in Britannia yet?”, Suzaku asked with the best Zero voice he could manage. Now if only he could come up with an excuse for looking for the young woman. That would be great and helpful.

“And your reason for that is?” 

“I must discuss and go over some details concerning Zero’s Day with her. I believe she was one of the people that knew the late emperor before he became the emperor, during the time the world thought he was dead. I would otherwise try to find someone else — I’m sure she too has her hands full of work —, but the things that have to be discussed might be private information, making it impossible to talk about or share with civilians. Besides, Ms. Kozuki was one of the people supposed to be executed on the Demon Emperor’s day of death who still came to me with the intention to carry his corpse elsewhere, when they could have left it there for the masses to tear apart”, he explained, hoping he managed to make it sound like he knew what he was talking about and totally hadn’t come up with it just seconds earlier.

Tohdoh looked suspicious but accepted his answer nonetheless. Suzaku was grateful but had to suppress his sigh of relief because the man in front of him was scarily good at reading people.

“Well then, I’ll tell you what you wanted to hear. Ms. Kozuki has indeed arrived Britannia, and she’ll be here shortly if you are willing to wait”, Tohdoh said and as he saw the man with the black cape stand up and nod, he stood up as well and led him to the room Kallen would come to.

Something about the masked person made Tohdoh feel weird because he knew it wasn’t the real Zero, their Zero — his Zero — anymore, the one who had risen up against the powerful Britannia because no one else did and someone had to. No, it was someone who had killed their Zero.

Kallen had explained after a few years what she had figured out, confirming Tohdoh’s suspicions. Lelouch had indeed planned the whole thing, including his own death. He had definitely done the wrong things, but because he had actually succeeded in creating a world full of peace without a place for himself, where he couldn’t live even if he tried to, Tohdoh had forgiven him. It was hard to stay mad at the dead anyway, especially if said dead person was someone whose hands he had trusted the freedom of his country and even his own life and loyalty to.

What made him feel weird about this current Zero was not knowing who they were, even if it was the same one that had executed Lelouch. Kallen had said that she did have an idea of who the new Zero was, even if only a vague one, but every time he had asked her she refused to tell him.

And who in the world would Lelouch trust enough to be able to ask for them to do such a thing anyway in the first place, that he didn’t know. Either the green-haired woman that had gone wherever he had, or then Suzaku, his knight, his worst enemy — his best friend. Suzaku was (supposedly) dead, so that should have meant it was C.C., but the Zero walking behind him was likely not a woman and definitely not as perfectly calm, cool and collected as the woman had been. Their actions and way of moving resembled Suzaku’s a lot, but if he was dead, he couldn’t be here either. Or maybe, just maybe, Lelouch and Suzaku had indeed come up with a plan to keep the latter alive and only kill the former.

“You can wait here, Zero”, Tohdoh said and opened a door that led them to a place that looked a lot like a living room. Suzaku stepped in past Tohdoh, though the latter followed him in a few seconds.

“If you want to, you can drink or eat anything you find in the fridge”, Tohdoh told him and gestured at it.

Suzaku nodded and sat on the black leather sofa. “Thank you, Mr. Tohdoh”, he said politely, waiting for Tohdoh to either leave or say something.

It took a while until Tohdoh spoke. He was watching Zero, and eventually decided to try his luck. Maybe, just maybe, behind Zero’s façade there was the child he had known a long time ago, scared and alone, having lost his dearest friend — or worst enemy. Tohdoh wasn’t actually sure what they were in the end.

And so he said in a quiet voice, “why did you agree to this, Suzaku?”, eyes never leaving the person wearing purple and gold.

He saw how Zero stiffened, shoulders tensing, and hoped for the best, maybe they would sigh and admit everything. But no, within seconds he heard an answer, “Sir Kururugi Suzaku is dead. You know he was killed in the explosion that was the result of the fight between him and Ms. Kozuki ten years ago on Damocles.”

The voice Zero spoke in was steady, but even though it held a lot of respect in it — for whom, he didn’t know —, it was also bitter. Tohdoh was able to come up with three possible reasons for this.

One, this was someone who respected Suzaku a lot, and thus bitter at Kallen for killing him. Unlikely, since this person had killed the one Suzaku served, unless it was for revenge.

Two, he despised the green-eyed Japanese boy and respected Kallen like nothing else. Possible, but somehow it felt odd anyway.

Three, this was indeed Suzaku he was talking to. The reasoning behind this was that even though Suzaku surely respected Lelouch (and Kallen as well, most likely), he would be bitter at Lelouch for being the cause of everything. Tohdoh wasn’t sure if it was unlikely or not, but he thought this was the one that made the most sense even if it wasn’t likely.

Tohdoh nodded and turned around to go, but as he was about to open the door, the words “I’m glad you’re alive, boy” left his mouth. Then he stepped out and closed the door behind him. Suzaku was alone once again.

He stared at the door, growing more uncomfortable with every passing second. Tohdoh had completely taken him by surprise. It wasn’t good he had figured out who Zero was because he was one of the leaders of the Black Knights. Suzaku was quite certain his old martial arts teacher wouldn’t tell anyone but it didn’t mean he didn’t worry anyway. It never left him.

After all, it was never safe to assume anything when it came to Lelouch’s plans, world peace, or well, the world itself. Not when the entire world was at stake, not when Suzaku knew that should the truth about Zero Requiem become public information, all of their too many sacrifices would have been in vain. That was something he didn’t want to see occur, so he was always on his toes about keeping their secrets carefully hidden and untold.

When Suzaku after an hour or so heard the door open again, he straightened his posture. He couldn’t let anyone who had been close to (the previous) Zero notice any significant changes in him, especially not Kallen. First he saw wild, red hair, then the fierce blue eyes the young woman possessed, and then he saw how her usually stoic expression turned shocked and disbelieving. She gasped and dropped the book she had probably been reading.

“Zero?! What are  _ you _ doing here?!”, Kallen asked with such disbelief Suzaku was sure he’d never heard anything like it before. She wasn’t even trying to hide it like most people. He had heard many different tones of suspicion in all his almost 30 years, for a lot of different reasons — like for example becoming a Britannian soldier, being the pilot of Lancelot, being an Eleven and a Knight of the Rounds, for ‘betraying’ everyone  _ again _ as he became the Knight of Zero… His own voice had been dripping of doubtfulness just as many times, like when he saw Lelouch was truly the one who killed Euphie. But this tone he heard from Kallen, it wasn’t like the ones before.

“Well, I wanted to have a small talk with you. Well, not even all that small.”

“About Zero’s Day and some of the details needed for it, right?”, she asked, now relaxing a bit, no longer looking like she was going to attack him at any given moment.

“That too. I wasn’t thinking about a fully and solely professional conversation”, Suzaku said hoping Kallen would say yes — or at least something remotely close to it.

“Fine. Here or somewhere else?”, the girl — or rather a woman, she was 28 like Suzaku — asked. Suzaku was glad she did because he didn’t really fancy the idea of having any conversations related to Lelouch on a personal level in the immediate vicinity of the Black Knights.

He thought about where they could go for a while before deciding on a place. He had gotten a full permission to use it unless Nunnally needed it for anything private and personal. And, since she didn’t need it now, it was a good time to use the permission.

“How about the Exelica Garden in the Britannian Imperial Palace? It is very beautiful during this time of the year, quite large and a great place to have any discussions should they remain private”, he suggested.

The woman was still doubtful of what he wanted but nodded anyway. Suzaku would have probably smiled if he could have. There was something deep inside him that stopped him from doing it. It had been like this since his sword had gone through Lelouch’s chest and heart.

“Well then, show me the way. Let’s have this talk you wanted, Zero?”, Kallen said and held the door open for him. He walked out the door, Kallen right behind him. They managed to get most of the present Black Knights stop whatever they were doing and stare at them dumbfounded.

It was somewhat amusing, Suzaku thought, the two of them on the same side possibly for the first time, kind of. They had fought countless times, no matter on whose side Suzaku was at the time. Both had been one of the best — if not best — on their respective sides, been one of the only people that matched the other in skills and knightmare frames, yet somehow they were both still alive. It was truly a wonder and a miracle.

Although, while that was true,  _ Zero _ and Kallen had always been on the same side, since the very beginning. The young woman had quite literally been Zer— no,  _ Lelouch’s _ first accomplice and fighter with the rest of the resistance group she had been in, even before C.C. had come him around.  _ Q-1 _ , if Suzaku was correct, had been the name Lelouch called her.  _ Queen, the strongest and most valuable soldier in chess.  _ In that sense, there was no reason for anyone to think weirdly about the fact they now walked side by side through the streets of the new, rebuild Pendragon in deafening silence.

“So, Zero, why do you want to talk with me of all the Black Knights? I’m not asking to have the conversation here, just the idea you have, ‘cause like, I’d rather not spend an hour of this perfectly good work day just walking to the garden and back in case I decide not to speak about whatever you have in mind”, Kallen finally said, breaking the (un)comfortable silence they’d been in.

Suzaku stopped and turned to face Kallen.

“I can’t say much, but basically this is because you were in the same school with the late emperor and you are one of the Black Knights, so it shouldn’t be a problem if any details that are supposed to stay hidden from the public eye got talked about. You also seemed to care about him on some level since you came to help me when the Empress and I needed to get his corpse far from the hands of the angry crowd. Sure, that could be explained by you feeling empathy towards the young Empress but that isn’t likely. And, even though you’ve been  _ Zero’s  _ possibly most trusted accomplice since the very beginning eleven or twelve years ago, you remain suspicious of me, Ms. Kozuki.”

The last sentence was meant to be confusing to any outsider and perfectly clear to Kallen, so he hoped she’d catch on it. Suzaku knew that Kallen knew it was a different person behind the mask and had been for ten years, so now he thought it was the time to voice it and tell her he knew this. He saw Kallen’s eyes widen as she understood the words. Her expression was a mix of disbelief, anger, sadness, understanding and shock, as well as something else Suzaku couldn’t name.

She nodded slowly, and voice slightly shaking she said, “Well then, let’s talk. This caught my interest.”

Suzaku had purposefully left out the part about trying to get them to also talk about her and Gino, but that was because she might have said no. Right now, he needed her to trust him even the slightest bit, and in any case her trust was something good (and necessary) to have, if they were to talk about Kallen’s personal life, since it had nothing to do with Zero. Once again, they fell into silence and resumed walking towards the palace, Kallen just a step behind ‘Zero’.

Today would hopefully be the day they made things clear although, unless Kallen specifically told him he thought it was Suzaku behind the mask, he wasn’t going to talk about  _ that _ either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this chapter, so please leave kudos/comment!


	4. I Will Be Waiting for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation happens between Suzaku and Kallen, someone most don't remember is smart as hell. Turns he and Lelouch weren't as subtle and secretive as he thought they were. 
> 
> Aka the one chapter where Suzaku gets to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh? I wasn't going to post this yet but then I remembered it was Valentine's Day so I did anyway? 
> 
> Also I love Kallen and everyone keeps forgetting she's smart as well since she spent so much time with our local genius, Lelouch. 
> 
> And once again, I'm so damn grateful to my friend for betaing this whole mess. 
> 
> By the way, I've gotten 53 kudos and 10 bookmarks already?? And over 500 hits? Thank you all for keeping up with this thing I built with my tears. 
> 
> Oh and your comments have been so cute like believe me when I say I've talked about them a lot to people because they've made me so happy.

The Exelica Garden was just as beautiful as Suzaku remembered, although it was definitely different from what it had been a long time ago when he had, for the umpteenth time, sworn his loyalty to Lelouch and their plan with three simple words.  _ ‘Yes, Your Majesty’.  _ It had happened just before four of the Rounds had attacked them. Bismarck had been the toughest of them, but even so he had left only Gino alive. There were a few reasons why, one being the fact he had cared about him, another being that the blond knight hadn’t kept attacking him but given up. Maybe because he couldn’t since his knightmare frame refused to work after that.

“What do you want me to tell about the emperor?”, Kallen asked and sat on the grass under their feet. She watched Suzaku, waiting for him to answer.

“You can start with what he was like in school”, the masked man answered. He hoped Kallen would just tell the truth and not something she thought she was obligated to say in front of the man that had killed the one they were talking about.

But of course, she was smart, so Suzaku should have expected her to ask him to specify it.

“Do you want me to tell he was terrible and absolute shit, or do you want the—”

“I want whatever is the truth, whether it be that he was terrible and you hated him more than anything in this world, or that he was the loveliest person to ever walk on the Earth and that you had the biggest crush on him. I’m not really keen on publishing any of this, I just want to know what he was like when he was not trying to take over and conquer the entire world.”

Kallen was surprised and snapped her head to look at him since her gaze had drifted to watch the lake. She was quiet for a few seconds but chuckled then. “I think that is a good answer, I was actually waiting for it. Sure, I’ll tell you, Zero, but if any of this ends up public because of you, I will personally take care of you. Have I made myself clear?”

Suzaku simply nodded, giving the other the sign to continue.

“Well, I think he was an asshole. Not really in a bad way or anything, he just managed to piss me off all the time with the things he did and said, especially at first. Even so, he became a dear friend of mine. To me, it seemed that he truly did care about those close to him, a lot. Especially towards Empress Nunnally and the Knight of Zero — Kururugi Suzaku — he was kind and sweet, always worrying and taking care of them. Despite the fact Lelouch was acting as Zero behind his life as a normal student and civilian, he never once stopped being a loving brother to her and a loyal friend to him, not even when he and Suzaku became enemies, I think.” She paused and her expression turned doubting and added then, “I guess because of the way you sentenced your line earlier, you know he was the previous Zero, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do know that. I’m not always sure whether I should be thankful or mad at him for being Zero though. It did give me the chance to be easily accepted in this new world, but at the same time, he stained the idea of Zero in blood, at least to me.” Suzaku wanted to say more of him, actually, but had to keep it to himself since he wasn’t ready to expose himself just yet, if at all. Kallen seemed to be pleased at his answer.

“Well then, in that case I believe I can tell you this. It’s not like he is here to tell me not to anyway. Lelouch more than once left everything in the middle of an important, decisive battle for someone he dearly loved — and he more than once couldn’t control his emotions and called off the plan when he found out we were fighting someone he genuinely cared about.”

“I think the first time he lost control of his emotions was when we saved Tohdoh from getting executed and found out who was piloting the Lancelot. Lelouch saw the face of his best friend in front of him, fighting on Britannia’s side, gave none of us any answers as we asked what we should do and then ordered us to withdraw  _ at once _ . I know, and knew soon after, even back then, it wasn’t just because of the nearing Britannian forces like everyone else thought, and when we were finally safe and sound, he started laughing like some sort of madman, like he’d lost his mind. I think he did, momentarily. He never once allowed us to kill him — no, wait, actually he did, during the second battle of Tokyo, but only then —, not even when I could have, very easily, in fact. We could have avoided so many problems Suzaku ended up causing us if only we had killed him, but no. Lelouch too was only a human and felt empathy towards those he loved.”

“The first time he left was during the Black Rebellion — he left everything behind and flew to Kamine Island, all because his sister, Empress Nunnally, had apparently been kidnapped from him by the Empire itself. This led to our loss and the executions of many of us. The second time was when he ordered everyone to look for Nunnally after Suzaku fired the F.L.E.I.J.A. even though she had been reported dead, not caring about anything else. He went even crazier than he usually did, and was in a mentally bad condition for quite some time. Maybe until the day he died, I don’t know. During the time he couldn’t lead us, Prince Schneizel came to us and the Black Knights ended up listening to him as he told them Zero was, in fact, the 11th prince of the Holy Britannian Empire. Some of us even tried to execute him because of it.”

Most of this was actually something Lelouch had never told Suzaku. All he was told was that Schneizel and Cornelia had told the Black Knights about him, but he hadn’t mentioned that the Black Knights had tried to execute him for it. Not surprising but new nonetheless. Suzaku also knew Schneizel had told them about Geass because he was the one who told Schneizel about it and noted now how Kallen left it out of her story. Either it was because she forgot or because she wanted to keep that part a secret for Lelouch. The latter possibility was the likelier one in Suzaku’s opinion.

“Lelouch actually played along and told them it was true, he seemed to actively try to get them to hate him and think he had only ever used them as mere pawns in the game he played for fun and his own entertainment, out of boredom. It was like he  _ wanted  _ them to kill him.” Kallen gazed at the sky, and wind played with her hair. “You know what, scratch that, he was most definitely trying to make them kill him because he thought he’d lost Nunnally, his reason to live and fight and not give up, in the F.L.E.I.J.A. explosion. He tried to make me hate him as well, but just as I left his side and stopped shielding him, he told me to live on so I couldn’t”, she sneered.

_ It sounds so much like Lelouch. Always telling other people to live, even when he himself had no reasons to do the same himself. Why did no one ever tell him to live, why was it always only him telling it to others, those he cared about? To Suzaku and Nunnally, to C.C., to Shirley, to Kallen… To the entire world, actually. _

“Then someone — I still don’t actually know who it was, but my best guess would be on Rolo — saved him. I don’t know what happened afterwards though, at least until he declared himself the emperor. Was there something else you wanted to ask?”, she finished and looked at Zero. He just stood there, looking up towards the sky, shoulders trembling the slightest bit. Even though it wasn’t much, Kallen noticed it anyway, questioning it without a second thought.

“Zero, your shoulders are shak— are you laughing? ...Or are you crying?”, she asked. Her tone was somewhere between bewilderment, annoyance and worry. Suzaku corrected his posture immediately, as though nothing had happened.

Kallen got up and walked to him, eventually standing right in front of him.

“I’m not.”

“To which question was th—?”

“Both.”

The young woman was displeased with his answer and shaking her head, she placed her hands on his shoulders. “Just answer me. Whatever it is, I won’t judge you. Maybe.” She thought he wasn’t going to answer until she heard him mutter something, which sounded suspiciously like “possibly between the two?”

That was what he did answer with (reluctantly), actually. “I’m not sure, possibly between the two?”, which ended up coming out as more of a question rather than a real answer. It was like he was waiting for the woman in front of him to tell him. Like he was no longer sure about his own emotions. It wasn’t even improbable.

Kallen shook her head again, not exactly fine with the answer, but let go of him anyway and turned so that she wasn’t watching him anymore.

Collecting himself, Suzaku asked, “I’d like to know what you think of him right now?”

“I’m not exactly sure always, but I have forgiven him — actually a pretty long time ago. If there is something like an afterlife, I honestly do hope he’s watching over me and us all”, Kallen shrugged. Suzaku’s eyes widened behind the mask, he would have never expected anyone but Nunnally (and himself) to admit they’d forgiven him out loud.

“Why? Even if he was once your friend, he was a terrible person in the end. He tried to execute you too!” Suzaku finally lost control of himself, no longer sounding calm. He raised his voice without even noticing, but Kallen — of course, how else — took it in account.

“It’s not easy to stay mad at the dead, especially if you’ve cared about them. That’s just how it is. And, in any case, I think I kn— You know what, that’s not important. Why are you asking me all this? What do  _ you _ think of him?”, she asked and placed her hands on her hips. She leaned slightly forwards and stared at him, waiting for an answer. If Suzaku had learnt anything about Kallen in the past years, it was that it wasn’t easy to get out of her interrogation if she had made her mind. Kallen, like many other people Suzaku knew, was too damn stubborn like that.

Suzaku sighed and gave up. It was probably better to just tell her, but he could always give her a vague answer, the modified truth.

“I hate the Demon Emperor. He took everything I loved away from me, as well as almost everything I cared for.” Sure, it was the truth. In a way. He hadn’t answered the actual question, instead telling him what he thought about the  _ mask and role of the Demon Emperor _ Lelouch had created and worn, not  _ Lelouch _ . Suzaku hoped Kalen wouldn’t catch on it, but knowing how smart she was, she probably would.

And just like he had thought, she did.

“And what about  _ Lelouch _ ?” 

“Maybe he was okay. I didn’t know him.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, that’s hardly my fault.”

“Okay then, let’s put it this way. I’ll tell you a theory I’ve thought about for the last ten years, about what happened on the day of his death, and you’ll give me both your thoughts about the theory and your honest opinion Lelouch. I’m sure you do have one since you specifically said you hate the Demon Emperor. Most people, those who indeed do hate him, would either use his name or just his pronouns. They wouldn’t try to go around the question, specifically using the title they gave him because they don’t have any reason for that.”

When she received no objections from the masked man in the overdramatic black cape, she began talking.

“What I believe is that Lelouch became a dictator to make the entire world hate him — that damn bastard had some problems, what he needed was a therapist and not a grand plan to save the world — because that way, in the event he died, the entire humanity would put its best efforts in peacemaking. They would also actually try to keep it that way after it was achieved by some other means than  _ war _ . So, in order to get it all to succeed, he needed people around him he could trust and thought they could handle themselves even if they knew the truth, and he’d especially need someone he had enough faith in to ask them to execute him. In front of the eyes of all his enemies, friends, even his own family. I swear, I know only two people on this entire planet he would consider fitting for the role. C.C., and… well,  _ Kururugi Suzaku. _

Oh god, was she this aware of their plan? Had Lelouch really been sure no one he told about Zero Requiem wouldn’t tell Kallen as well, or had she really been able to figure this all out by herself?

“I’m certain he never wanted to execute any of us Black Knights even if we technically betrayed him, but he needed it for the show. He kept his mask of lies until the very end and let it falter not once. If something should count as great acting, it would be everything he did. Sure, I’m not saying all the pain and suffering he caused was okay, or that killing people is okay even if it was for the greater peace, but I do know it was the best way. I mean, I don’t think our way would have worked in the first place, it wouldn’t have guaranteed the whole world would be peaceful. If the Black Knights had had their way, we would likely only have Japan liberated, if even that. And, well, Schneizel is just an ass, I later learnt that he wanted to bring peace by making everyone fear him, by controlling them and keeping them scared of both him and that damned machine called Damocles. Really. That couldn’t even be called peace. Lelouch, even though he shed so much innocent blood, managed to give the world the chance to achieve true peace with  _ discussions _ . Peace ended up being something all of the world contributed to without being forced to. The world was willing to,  _ eager to _ reach peace without fighting, so it’s not trying to break it at every given chance”, Kallen said, pausing to breathe and calm herself down. If Suzaku’s eyes weren’t lying, there were tears forming in her eyes, and so he realised Lelouch had meant a lot to her.

“And he couldn’t have done all this alone, no way, not even when he was a genius. He still needed someone to kill him and watch over the world as a neutral force, someone who wouldn’t side with the ones oppressing no matter who they were. I think, judging by the way she acted back then, the Empress also realised his grand plan, so she too is making great effort to make sure her brother’s plan wouldn’t go in vain. So, the remaining question is; Who could Lelouch trust enough to ask them to do all this? In the end, even though he had a lot of faith in the green-haired witch too, I don’t think he would’ve chosen anyone but his loyal, trusted knight. Am I right,  _ Suzaku _ ?”, she asked and looked straight at him when she said the last words. She knew, she had figured it all out on her own (most likely, since Lelouch wasn’t one to trust just anyone with his plans). Suzaku had to admit, Kallen was way smarter than most gave her credit for.

He chuckled sadly and nodded.

“Yeah, you are. That’s amazing, really. You would have probably fit this damned role way better than I do, considering you and Lelouch think alike”, he said, confirming her theory and slightly tilted his head to side.

“Maybe, but I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to kill him and keep on acting for a decade. Like, no way. Now then, you have to answer my earlier question. What do you think of Lelouch?”, Kallen asked again, staring at the blue, calm lake the garden surrounded.

“Well, while I did forgive him, he confuses me so much I’m not sure what I really think of him. I should hate him but I don’t. I shouldn’t care about him but I do. I sure as hell know he ruined my life and caused me more pain than anyone or anything else before or after him, but like, I still wish he were here with me. I know he doesn’t deserve to live but I don’t exactly deserve to live either, so there’s that.”

Suzaku looked at his shaking hand. His shoulders had begun to tremble again, and so the woman who had until now been facing the other way placed her hands gently on his shoulders. Kallen didn’t know how to calm him down, but there was no way she wasn’t at least going to try. She decided she wouldn’t fail those she had once cared about, not again. If one of her old friends who she hadn’t seen in years was still alive like she had suspected, she was going to do her best to tell him she was there for him, at least for a moment.

“You love him, don’t you?”, Kallen asked when Suzaku made no sign of talking again. He quickly raised his head in surprise, as though the woman had just told him something he didn’t already know.

Suzaku thought of whether or not he should answer her but came to the conclusion he should. After all, Kallen seemed like she genuinely wanted to help, like she was stretching her hand out towards him for him to grab it to avoid drowning, and so he took his chance. Suzaku knew he wasn’t allowed to become friends with her again, but decided there was nothing wrong with talking about his feelings with someone once in a while — and if she hadn’t told this to anyone (or at least many people, since it hadn’t gone public), he thought she was someone he could trust this much.

“I do. I don’t think I ever stopped loving him after we were reunited eleven years ago. I without a doubt drowned and buried those feelings somewhere deep within when I found out he was Zero, because he killed Euphie, because he didn’t meet the expectations  _ I  _ set for him just because I held so much trust in him, but when we finally  _ talked _ about everything, I decided to try and understand the him that Shirley, you and even Euphemia never exposed. I think it was a little after that the feelings I had suppressed came rushing back”, he sneered sorrowfully.

“Hey, Kallen, have you ever lost your reason to live only to find out it was destroyed by your other reason to live, and finally have your last reason to live destroyed by your own hands, still being unable to die and leave the world for good?”, Suzaku asked, now looking to the side. His voice was clearly that of a regretting someone who missed something more than anything.

“...Is this about Lelouch?”

“Of course it’s about Lelouch, it’s always about Lelouch!” He was yelling by now, but as soon as he realised it, he apologised. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. 

“It’s fine, you miss him. Just, don’t yell at me again when it’s not me who is at fault here.” She waved her hand nonchalantly.

Suzaku began talking again, “I also don’t think I ever truly hated him, because, well, after Nunnally explained that true hatred was indifference, I realised that to me, he was anything _ but _ . No matter what it was, my feelings towards him were always intense, always came from deep within. There might have been a shell and a role I acted, but everything I ever felt towards him, whether it was love or hate or sadness or something, it was never— they were never— I was never able to pretend them. Despite everything that happened, there was still a bond between us that remained until the final moment of  _ Kururugi Suzaku _ and  _ Lelouch vi Britannia. _ ”

“Do you think he loved you too? I mean, he definitely did, but in the same way you do?”, Kallen asked, concerned for Suzaku and his well-being.

“He did. I know, he left me a message. I’m not sure if you knew this, but I’ve had a death wish for almost two thirds of my life. When he finally found out, he tried to make sure I wouldn’t die. That geass power of his, he ordered me to  _ live _ , which saved me countless of times. According to him, the two people he never wanted to use his geass on were Nunnally and I, although he used it on us both. He valued our free will above almost everything. With me, he used it to make me live. Never to join him, never to stop me from trying to kill and arrest him, never to save him. Just to make me live until I’d find a reason to do that aside from the geass. I don’t think Lelouch would have used any reckless commands with those he cared a lot about. And well, when I later questioned him about it, his eyes gave away the answer even when his mouth never stopped lying. With Nunnally, he made her give him the Damocles key, but I believe you already know the reason to that.”

_ Truly, even when his mouth never stopped deceiving people. Even when all anyone could hear coming from his lips was lies, even then his eyes always held the truth in them, visible to anyone who knew him well. _

Kallen didn’t know what to do with the information she’d heard, or the trembling and seemingly crying Zero in front of her so she wrapped her arms around him. She was kind of tempted to take off his mask and wear it herself so that Suzaku could be in peace, but if Lelouch had asked and meant it to be Suzaku’s cross to bear, the Japanese would never stop. He wouldn’t allow others to bear the cross with him. That was what he just seemed to be like, what he had been like since the first time she met him.

“You’ve done well”, she finally told him, deciding it was the best line she could now offer him. ‘Sorry’ was not good now or ever, it wouldn’t matter at all. Then she felt strong arms return the hug. 

“Thank you, Kallen. I won’t forget your kindness”, he whispered.

And so they stayed there like that for some time, comforting each other without saying a word.

“Was that all you wanted to talk about?”, Kallen asked, breaking the silence between the two, although she wasn’t sure she hoped for the answer to be yes.

“Actually, even though I’m not sure I should ask you this, I do have a question for you still. How do you feel about Gino?”, Suzaku asked, hoping Kallen wouldn’t just say ‘fuck it’ and leave. He broke off the hug and watched a rainbow of emotions wash over the woman’s face.

“Excuse me, I’m not sure if I heard correctly, what did you say?” As though she hadn’t heard him clearly.

“I said, how do you feel about Gino”, he repeated himself. “I’ve watched you two argue and act like an old married couple around each other for a decade, and because he despises me, I can’t ask him about any of this. Can you believe, Gino, the over-friendly, puppy-like knight,  _ despising  _ someone. Not ‘disliking’ but ‘despising’. It’s kind of amusing, although it’s not fun being shot glares at every time he sees me. I swear if looks could kill he’d killed me about a million times already by now.”

Kallen snorted before replying. “It’s really amusing, not kind of, Suzaku. But I don’t know, I guess he’s okay?” Her words were sentenced more as a question than an answer. Suzaku rolled his eyes.

“Kallen, that doesn’t convince anyone. If you like him, how about you just, I don’t know, ask him out?”, Suzaku sighed. His old friends looked like they could have made a great (and powerful) couple ten years ago, and frankly, they still did.

“Fine, maybe I like him a bit, but I am  _ not _ going to ask him out. He’s still a jerk”, Kallen snapped, at which Suzaku simply shook his head.

“I should’ve listened to Anya and believed her. She said you’d never agree to date him or go out with him because he’s a jerk.”

“To whom did she say that? You?” 

“To  _ Gino _ .”

“ _ What?! _ Really? And what did he say to that?” 

“‘But you are my best friend!’”, Suzaku said imitating Gino, pleased when Kallen snorted again, and added, “To which Anya went ‘Which is exactly why I know you’re a jerk’. The two of them kept arguing for an hour or so, I think. Right in front of my room, too. Don’t judge me, I was bound to hear it all, I wasn’t eavesdropping.”

Kallen laughed. Suzaku thought it was nice to hear laughter instead of cries, retorts and the like as a reaction to the things he said from the people he was talking with.

“Really? I like her even more now, she’s great”, she laughed, pressing a hand over her mouth.

“She is amazing. I’m glad she got her memories back too, all thanks to Jeremiah and his geass canceler. Oh, but it’s getting late already, think about my suggestion. I’ll walk you back to your accommodation, is that okay?”, Suzaku asked after checking the time. It was already nearing six in the evening and both still had work to do. Even if they had been talking, it wasn't good enough of a reason for not completing any of their tasks. 

“Yeah, sure, as long as you won’t be taking me to see Gino, because the answer to that is a strict no.”

Suzaku chuckled nodding.

“I’m not taking you to Gino, I promise.”

“Good. But yeah, I’ll talk to him, Suzaku. One day”, she said grinning and looked up towards the darkening sky. “One day, when things are better.”

“You should visit Nunnally some time, Kallen. I think she’d like to see you. She’s been talking about wanting to see old friends”, Suzaku said suddenly as the thought popped up in his mind. “Milly and Rivalz visit her every now and then, and sometimes they manage to drag Nina along, but you don’t hang out with any of them, at least to my knowledge. I’m sure Nunnally and the others would like to see you’re doing fine.”

Kallen raised her brow amused. “And how did our sad and very deep conversation about our dead friend and the enemy of the world get here?”, she asked ignoring Suzaku’s original statement completely.

“I just thought we shouldn’t only talk about depressing things, don’t judge me.”

“Yep, you’re still the same old Suzaku under everything, just more broken”, Kallen grinned.

The words warmed Suzaku’s heart a bit, knowing there were more people than just Nunnally who still cared for him. Not that Nunnally wasn’t enough, no, it was more than Suzaku even deserved in the first place. It was just that Suzaku wasn’t capable of understanding it. He hated himself too much to even try.

As they walked towards the accommodation the Black Knights were living for the time being, Suzaku saw how people turned to look at them, most often in awe. It wasn’t surprising though, seeing how both were important to the world and generally liked for their accomplishments. Kallen as the ace of the Black Knights as well as one of the only ones who fought against the White Death of Britannia and survived, Suzaku for being Zero, the murderer of his best friend (well, the enemy of the whole world, but towards the end, Lelouch had been a friend rather than an enemy to Suzaku). And because they weren’t seen together often, people decided it was a good chance to snap pictures of them to post online. Both were used to it, so not even Kallen snapped at people for doing it any longer — after all, it was just one of the many cons of being a celebrity.

When they finally arrived to their destination and said their goodbyes, Suzaku watched Kallen walk inside before leaving. After a few hours with company, walking alone wasn’t the most pleasant thing he could’ve thought of. He didn’t want to be alone with the silence around him (he’d chosen the quickest route to the palace, which just so happened to also be the route no one ever used since it had been deemed ‘scary’), so he decided to think about everything he’d found out and if they could be linked together.

So, Lelouch died. He had planned it all carefully, hoped the people he chose to trust would be worth his faith and do their best to make his dream come true. He had chosen to trust Suzaku the most even though Lelouch thought he had betrayed him over and over — just because they’d had a conversation about everything and decided to put their differences aside. Just because they thought it was more important to both to be friends again before the end.

Then he had made sure there was a garden with a message for Suzaku to find out. About his feelings, those he hadn’t been able to talk out loud. Likely because he’d wanted Suzaku to go through with the plan and if he had known Lelouch was in love with him, he would have definitely refused to kill him.

And then there was that video recording that was meant specifically for Suzaku since no one else could understand their signs. There had not been any real guarantee it’d actually end up in Suzaku’s hands. It did, sure, but only ten years later since it wasn’t possible it had been made after his death, and who knows who had had it before him.Maybe Lelouch had given it to C.C. or something… Probably not, considering C.C. wasn’t the most reliable person there was even though Lelouch trusted her and she’d proven herself worth the trust.

Besides, Kallen and Tohdoh had somehow figured out his identity just like Nunnally had, and at least two of them knew what Lelouch’s plan was — Nunnally said she’d seen it all when she touched Lelouch’s hand and that’s why she knew for sure. Suzaku didn’t know what that meant. He didn’t know if Tohdoh knew, but it was likely anyway. Who knows how many other people knew. The thought frightened him but if nothing had become public information yet, maybe nothing was going to.

None of it made sense and none of the things linked together, which frustrated Suzaku. He kept on walking until he realised he had at some point turned to the wrong direction and was now in some back alley he didn’t even know existed so he had to stop. He looked around himself and tried to go to another alley he still didn’t know, hoping it’d lead him to some place he’d be able to recognise.

After being lost for a while, he heard someone behind him.

“Hey, Zero, are you lost?”, a deep, gentle voice asked. Suzaku was almost certain the voice sounded a bit nervous, possibly fearful. He didn’t know why, nor could he provide an explanation for it.

Anyway, the problem was not that whoever was behind him sounded nervous or scared. It was that Suzaku’s first instincts were to almost attack the person (not his fault, his self-defense mechanisms didn’t function properly anymore). Thankfully, he didn’t, since they weren’t attacking him. Suzaku found himself turning around and nodding, although he wasn’t as happy he did the latter. Well, at least it meant he could get out of there sooner.

“Where are you going? The palace, I’d guess, but I have to make sure”, the stranger asked and walked towards him, out of the shadows. Suzaku was now able to see him in light. The young man in front of his eyes was tall, maybe Suzaku’s height, and seemingly young too. Probably a Britannian, considering how light his skin was (as though he had been playing hide-and-seek with the sun his whole life. He knew someone else that looked the same). He had dark, longish hair that fell on his face and eyes, framing the man’s features elegantly. Deep blue eyes drew Suzaku’s attention to them, and Suzaku realised that even though the man was young, in his early 20s at most, the lines years had drawn under his eyes made him look much older, like he had seen too much in his life. His eyes were glassy and unblinking, in an odd way very sad, as though they had shed more tears than Suzaku’s own. Like he hadn't been able to truly cry in ages anymore since his tears had dried up. Long eyelashes cast shadows on his face even in the darkness. Despite all that, there was a smile playing on his lips, kind and gentle. Happiness was long gone from it though. The man wore a white, wrinkled shirt and a long black coat with a high collar. Honestly, it made him look even taller. He also had black leather gloves. Who even used those anymore? Well, except for Suzaku himself, but they were just a part of the suit.

If Suzaku was being honest with himself, the young man in front of his eyes was very attractive. The way he moved was elegant and delicate, like a flower in a gentle summer breeze. He distantly reminded Suzaku of Lelouch. Also, if Suzaku had never noticed it before, at least now he knew he was terrible at describing people. He should never do it out loud.

“Yes, the palace. Do you know how to get there?”, Suzaku asked, trying to forget everything he had just thought about the stranger in front of him seconds ago, which, admittedly, was difficult considering how drop dead gorgeous he was — and it didn’t take more than that before the thoughts came rushing back.

“Oh, I do. Do you want me to show you the way there or just tell you the directions?”, the stranger asked him in turn. His smooth voice reminded Suzaku of someone he knew well, it was just that he couldn’t wrap his mind around who it was that he reminded him of. How annoying. What was equally, if not more annoying, was that he had to admit he was lost and needed help to get to the palace he  _ lived _ in, but what can you do.  _ Note to self, never walk around lost in your thoughts. _

“It’d be easier if you showed me the way to the main street, if it doesn’t bother you.”

“In that case, just follow me”, the man said and began walking in a completely different direction than Suzaku had been about to walk to. If the stranger was really leading him towards the palace, he had been completely lost.

And surely, the dark haired man led him to the main street, stopping there.

“I believe you know your way from here.”

Suzaku nodded and thanked him, but just before he was about to leave, the man started talking again.

“Hey, Zero?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For everything.”

“...You’re welcome?”

“And I sincerely apologise.”

“ _ What _ ?”

“Nothing.”

And then, when Suzaku watched the other just leave and wave as goodbye, he heard quiet words, an “I will be waiting for you”, escape the stranger’s lips. Suzaku wanted to question him about the words but he was already gone. He tried to look around to see the man again but it was like he had never been there in the first place. Something about him had been odd anyway, but whatever it was, it just became even stranger with those words. Oh well, there was nothing he could do to find out what he had meant, and so Suzaku headed towards the Imperial Palace where Nunnally was probably already waiting for him. They had plans to make.

The words the stranger had whispered continued bothering him for the rest of the evening because they kept echoing in his ears. 

  
  
  


_ I will be waiting for you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading this! 
> 
> And at this point I'm gonna mention my friend asking me how dumb Suzaku is in this on the scale from 1 to her, and I answered that he's somewhere between her and her crush. So like, dumb. Smart, but dumb, as in, very damn oblivious.
> 
> Your comments make my day so feel free to give me your thoughts on this as well as feedback!


	5. Stained with—

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zero's Day sucks on all levels, and Suzaku just really doesn't want to be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you for all your support until now, I'm so glad you've welcomed this story so well! Secondly, I'm sorry it took a while to update this, I've been kinda busy even if this chapter was done.
> 
> Also, we've reached the point where I'm starting to get anxious about disappointing people, let's hope that won't happen. 
> 
> Oh, and once again, I'm so grateful my friend keeps taking the time to read the chapters before I post them because apparently I keep making mistakes without noticing a lot.

The past week had been full of organising for everyone in the palace (it had been an actual nightmare if you asked Suzaku), especially for the remaining living royal family and Suzaku. There had been a remarkable lack of breaks and hours to sleep, but somehow they had managed to get everything done in time for Zero’s Day. The Black Knights had worked hard as well, but considering they didn’t seem to suffer from as much sleep deprivation as Nunnally, Schneizel, Cornelia and Suzaku (who thankfully was able to keep it hidden under his mask), they were doing a lot better on the actual day of the celebration.

This day was one of the happiest to the world and the people loved it. Frankly speaking, Nunnally and Suzaku both hated it. What made the day even worse was the fact that both had to stay in their respective roles as the great and beloved Empress of the Holy Britannian Empire, and the Messiah and saviour of the world. Besides, the fact that Nunnally was indeed the Empress meant she had to make an entire speech about how glad she was her  _ beloved brother _ was  _ dead _ , and there was nothing she could do to change it. There was no way she was going to let the peace her brother had  _ died _ for break just because she wanted to say she hated the whole day and didn’t want to join the celebrations. There was no way she would ever let that happen.

And as for Suzaku, well, things weren’t going much better. Schneizel and Cornelia had told him what to do, which was to set a huge portrait of his best friend on fire. The reasoning behind it was that  _ that’s what a demon deserves, to burn in the flames left behind by the good ones.  _ And because it was indeed  the 10th anniversary of Zero’s Day, he had to stay there the whole time listening to people talk about the terrors they had had to see and go through because of the Demon Emperor. How  _ grateful _ they were to Zero for killing the demon. How everything was so much better now that the sweet, kind and gentle Nunnally was in reign (that was the only thing Suzaku agreed with. Nunnally was great, and besides, compared to Lelouch’s reign, pretty much anything was better).

“Zer— Suzaku, is this speech good?”, Nunnally asked handing her small notebook to Suzaku for him to read it. He took it in his slightly trembling hands and read it quietly.

“It is very good, Your Majesty. I’m sure the people will love it”, he replied. The quiet, implied message hidden within his words went unsaid, but was clear to her.  _ The people will love it. Neither of us can, but we’re doing a great job hiding that fact from everyone. _ After all, the day only brought sad memories to both, painful memories they simply wanted to get rid of and forget about. Not that they were actually allowed to since everyone around them constantly reminded them about their good deeds and their loved one’s terrible ones. Well, they were somewhat glad they had the memories, because that way someone knew what Lelouch had actually been striving for.

The time for the official celebrations to begin was fairly soon, so Suzaku and Nunnally decided to comfort each other for the last time for the following six or so hours, given the impossibility to do it in public. Nunnally took Suzaku’s hand in hers. Suzaku hugged her tightly in return.

“I won’t leave your side for even one second, Nunnally. I will be there, I promise”, he whispered and heard a weak sob in answer. He looked at her face and saw tears on her face which he wiped away gently. Suzaku knew he would cry soon as well, but that couldn’t be helped. Most people couldn’t anyway see the glistening tears that would drip behind his mask at some point, so it didn’t matter. Only the people that knew to look for them would be able to notice them, he reasoned, because after all, who would expect Lelouch’s  _ killer  _ to cry for him? No one, unless they knew who was behind the mask.

“Thank you, Suzaku”, Nunnally whispered back weakly. She hid her face in Suzaku’s cape, wetting it with her tears. He didn’t mind.

“He didn’t want us to mourn for him”, she murmured against his shoulder. “He would have wanted for us to be happy he succeeded, I’m sure of it.”

“Maybe, but I also don’t think he ever actually realised we would even miss him and that we wouldn’t be able to move on even after years to come. Lelouch… He— he was never good at understanding just how much he meant to others”, Suzaku answered. The silence around them was deafening even with their quiet breaths and sobs.

Each and every story needs some kind of a beginning, but sadly not all of them are ever meant to end happily.

Like the one Lelouch wrote a script for.

The ending he wrote ended with him leaving behind the ones he’d loved the most and who had loved him the most to mourn and weep alone.

When they heard the door open both straightened up quickly. Nunnally wiped her tears with her sleeve before turning to see who had entered the room. Thankfully, it was Jeremiah, someone who knew about Zero Requiem and Zero’s identity, as well as having always been loyal to all the vi Britannias no matter what they did. They knew Jeremiah wasn’t going to hold Nunnally at fault for crying over her brother.

“Good morning Your Majesty, Lord Zero. The celebrations are going to begin shortly, maybe we should get going”, he said and bowed to Nunnally.

“Yes, of course. Show us the way. Are all the preparations done? The picture of my brother has already been set there along with the torch? And the Black Knight who gives the torch to Zero has been chosen as well, right? And both mine and Zero’s seats have been placed in the front so that everyone can see us easily?”, Nunnally ensured, stepping in her role as the empress again after Jeremiah had straightened up and she could see his eyes.

“Of course, Your Majesty. They have also made sure you will be able to eat and drink if the need be and, like always, there is a cold water bottle for you as well. Are you ready to leave?”

“As ready as anyone who is forced to celebrate their dear brother’s death can be”, Nunnally half-murmured, and with that, they left.

The stage built in the middle of the new Pendragon was huge and painted with white and cold. It was decorated with different types of flowers, like white violets ( _ Let’s take a chance on happiness _ ), black-eyed susans ( _ justice _ ), purple irises (chosen mostly for their colour since the Empress’ eyes were purple as well, but they also meant  _ wisdom  _ and  _ respect _ ), as well as white heather flowers ( _ protection _ , _ wishes will come true _ ). In the very center of the stage there was a platform to make speeches on, although it was unlikely that Nunnally, the one whose speech mattered the most, would actually use it since she was in a wheelchair.

Suzaku watched as some of the year’s most popular singers and bands walked around making sure everything they needed was in place. Cornelia and Schneizel had invited both popular and new singers to perform, since not many of them asked for much payment on Zero’s Day if it was the Royal Family who asked them. Besides, the performers got to perform in front of thousands of people live  _ and  _ on international television, and considering it was the official celebration of the day which Empress Nunnally herself joined, most people in the world watched it if they could. It was a great way to gain more popularity.

The Black Knights were there as well, having been an important part of both Zero’s Day and the rebellion against the late Emperor, the previous Prime Minister of Japan beside them. Ohgi had been one of the core members of the Black Knights until the war ended, so everyone else wanted him there. He had become the Prime Minister of Japan soon after Lelouch’s death, but thought he wasn’t cut out for it so he quit after a few years.

Suzaku could see Milly stand in front of the camera filming the whole thing. Of course, she was a known, famous and well-liked reporter around the world. He actually had no idea what Rivalz had grown up to be, but as Suzaku saw him in the crowd, he just knew Rivalz hated him now. It was a bit amusing, considering how much he had admired Zero when it still had been Lelouch, but well. Suzaku guessed it was because he had thought of Lelouch as his best friend — or at least a very dear one —, and let’s just say that killing a person whether they seem to be evil or not is not a very good way to keep someone liking you if they liked them. This had happened with Suzaku as well, since Lelouch had killed Euphie in front of his eyes, as Zero. Was this how it felt like to Lelouch? Suzaku didn’t know.

The whole show began with the top 1 band in the world, Crimson. They played some of their most popular songs, one of them having taken its topic from Zero’s Day, hyping up the masses. Then there was a short parody of the events of the original day which, surprisingly, Suzaku didn’t want to watch. Instead he spent the thirty minutes the parody lasted looking at the very interesting wood of the stage. After that, Schneizel in all his glamour walked up to the stage to announce it was now time for the Empress’ speech. Suzaku — no, Zero now — stood up and pushed Nunnally there as she didn’t want to be alone on her brother’s death day. Well, he had promised he wouldn’t leave her side anyway, so it was mostly because of that. Besides, she was in a wheelchair, and even if there was peace in the world, there was no telling for sure no one disliked her, which in turn meant there was always a chance someone tried to assassinate her on Zero’s Day. Nunnally trusted Suzaku to keep her safe, and that was exactly what he planned on doing. After all, it was a promise he’d made to Lelouch a long time ago, probably more than once. Not that he wouldn’t have wanted to protect her anyway.

Suzaku saw Nunnally tighten her grip on her dress and the small notebook in her hands as they were nearing the center of the stage. When they finally stopped and turned to face the people, seemingly everyone in the crowd began cheering for both her and him. It didn’t matter he wasn’t going to speak at all, it was called  _ Zero’s _ Day for a reason. Suzaku was fairly sure if he had held any actual power over the Black Knights or any other military force, the people wouldn’t like him all that much. After all, no one knew if Zero still had the same effect on people, if he could turn them against each other.

Schneizel smiled and handed the microphone to Nunnally. She took it with slightly shaking hands, breathed deeply and then she began speaking.

“This is now the tenth time I’m speaking in front of you on Zero’s Day as the Empress of Britannia, and I must say, I’m happy to say we have managed to keep the peace we’ve all worked so hard for. We still do have some problems, but I know that together we can solve those as well”, she said, with the same confidence she had always seemed to have when she was in front of people. It never failed to amaze Suzaku how the kind, 6-year-old girl from eighteen years ago had grown up into a graceful, intelligent empress while never losing the kindness she’d apparently been born with.

“It has been almost ten years since I was crowned the empress, taking over my older brother Lelouch vi Britannia—” Suzaku heard a collective gasp of disgust from the audience at the mention of Lelouch. “—after Zero freed us from under his tyranny. He was definitely the enemy of the world, even if he ruled it all. My brother became a demon, killed his own siblings, his father and his friends”, she continued and took a break to breathe, grasping the microphone in her hand tightly. To any other person, this probably looked like nothing special, most wouldn’t likely see they way her knuckles whitened a bit, wouldn’t notice the mourning look in her eyes. Suzaku did. He knew to look for them, especially as he knew the same things would have been shown on his own face as well if not for Zero’s mask.

“He wanted to execute the Black Knights, as well as Schneizel and me. My brother pretended to be the almighty, good emperor, when the true reason no one stood against him was the fact he would mercilessly, ruthlessly kill off all who stood in front of him. He executed their loved ones as well. He took over the United Federation of Nations, thus placing the entire world under his dictatorship, only shortly after proclaiming he wanted democracy. The Demon Emperor, indeed, he deserves that name.”

It was perfectly clear to the masked man that Nunnally was hurting for saying all of those things out loud. He knew she thought of all that as lies because she knew why Lelouch had done all that. There was no way she ever wanted to call the brother she loved a  _ demon _ of all things. Suzaku placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it comfortingly. There was nothing else he could do.

Nunnally looked at the crowd again and opened her mouth. “I have to be honest with you, and say that I loved him. After all, he was my brother, my only full-blood sibling. Having said that, I also need to say that I don’t approve of any of his actions and that I’ve always hated the Demon Emperor.” Suzaku noted how she too said she hated the  _ Demon Emperor _ , but never  _ Lelouch vi Britannia _ , just like Suzaku did. It was the easiest way to avoid lying to himself while keeping most people satisfied with his answers.

“I’m sad I never saw him change. I was blind, in both the literal and the figurative senses of the word. If I had seen the change, if  _ anyone _ had seen it, the carnage he ended up causing could have probably been avoided. We should all be grateful the bloodshed was stopped. That is all thanks to Zero, because if not for his bravery and determination to help us, the Black Knights would have likely been executed alongside the remaining Royal Family. If that had happened, protecting civilians would have become nearly impossible. I have no doubts he wouldn’t have found and killed our sister Cornelia too.” Cornelia made a face of disgust as Nunnally called her their brother. “I’m certain there was nothing and no one he’d been scared to toss aside should they have been in his way so, Zero, thank you for all that you’ve done for us.” With that, she turned to face Zero and nodded in gratitude as she wasn’t able to bow. He bowed in return and said with his very Zero-like voice something along the lines of “you are welcome, Your Majesty.”

Then Nunnally turned back to look at her beloved people and put a gentle smile on her face.

“It is a better world we live in right now. The world is free of the past, so we are now able to move forwards and chase our future”, she said. Suzaku realised just how much like his brother the young woman crowned the Empress of the Holy Britannian Empire had become. She wasn’t going to sacrifice herself or become another tyrant, but she had grown up to be— no, she had always  _ been  _ so intelligent and confident, so caring. Suzaku was startled by the things she said because Lelouch too had said the same kind of things and worded his sentences almost the same way. Actually, she had become like her brother and surpassed him a long time ago, but Suzaku had failed to see it until now.

“And sometimes, all we need to do is to look around ourselves and see just how lucky we are to be alive right now. We need to realise that because we were blessed with the ability to continue living on and given the amazing and beautiful chance at life in a world with peace, we need to hold onto it tightly, never let it go and keep fighting for it. The world needs to always change, but it doesn’t need to change for the worse. And change will never come our way if we don’t work for it.”

Suzaku felt pride in his chest for the young empress.

_ She has really come a long way, now hasn’t she, Lelouch? She no longer needs anyone to protect her from the world like we thought, if she ever did. I wish you could see her now, she’s become a great leader, better than either of us could have been. _

And when Suzaku heard her next words, he knew that while everyone else probably thought she was talking about those who had fought against her brother, she was in truth talking about most of all her brother. Her dear brother who had started it all for her wishes for a kinder world and ended it with his own dream of a gentle world for those he loved the most becoming true.

“That is what we owe to the ones that died before us, to the ones that fought with their lives for this. A kind, gentle, peaceful world, one where even strangers can be kind to each other, that is something I believe we all want. There’s nothing else to fear than the fear which keeps trying to stop us from achieving it — after all, our worst enemy, the only enemy we ever seem to lose to is the one staring at us in the mirror, the one embracing all those fears. We can only lose if we allow ourselves to.”

“We shall move forwards, towards our future. We shall never let the march of time stop, because a life that lives doing nothing is the same as a slow death. It can’t even be called life since it’s merely experience. What I want for us all is a future, so let’s walk towards it together.”

A silence fell upon the place when she stopped talking. It lasted mere seconds but in a way it felt like an eternity. Then the people started applauding, amazed at how wisely their empress spoke. Suzaku simply looked at Nunnally in shock. Somehow, somehow she had been able to repeat some of the things Lelouch had said, almost word by word. She’d been able to say something he had definitely never said in her presence, because her “we shall never let the march of time stop” was so similar to Lelouch’s “God, the collective unconscious! Please, don’t stop the march of time”, only it was directed to the humanity and herself instead of God. The two siblings were scarily similar.

When the applauses finally ceased, he stepped from Nunnally’s side to behind her, and with her sign, he pushed her back to where they had been before. He poured Nunnally a glass of water and handed it to her. It brought back memories from the time Lelouch had been Julius Kingsley and demanded for water every time Charles’ geass had been weaker. It was still the most pitiful Suzaku had ever seen Lelouch even as there were times he’d brought him to the emperor — and the time Suzaku had stepped on Lelouch’s head as he gave in to his wrath and anger. Why the memories were back now, he had no idea. He also recalled choking Lelouch after they had been thrown into jail, after he’d seen him smile gently for the first time in a month or so. Suzaku had only stopped when his friend had told him to do it, to kill him — still a smile on his lips. He’d been both shocked and angered by Lelouch’s actions. Suzaku had decided to force Lelouch to suffer and stay alive like he had ordered Suzaku to do with that damned geass of his.

The next hour went by with Suzaku not focusing on anything he was supposed to until he was called to the stage. It was, apparently, the time to set the (enormous) picture of his best friend on fire, to let it burn under everyone’s eyes. The thought was quite the damn uncomfortable, but he was Zero and not Suzaku. He wasn’t supposed nor allowed to regret what he’d done. And since he was Zero, there were no reasons for him not to do it, at least according to the voice inside his head that kept reminding him he had given up on his life as Kururugi Suzaku exactly ten years ago.

The most significant reason there was to burn the picture  _ now _ by Suza— no, Zero, was that it was also the exact hour he had killed Lelouch all those years ago — or so Cornelia had explained to him when she gave Suzaku the job, which he, of course, accepted nodding without any complaints or objections.

A young blue-haired Black Knight Suzaku didn’t know stood waiting for him with a lit torch as he walked towards her and Schneizel. When he passed the blond prince he was told to set Lelouch’s chest in the picture on fire so that it’s symbolise the sword he had pierced him with. Did Schneizel and Cornelia really have to try and come up with every single little thing they could to dishonour and mock the dead emperor?

Okay, they definitely had to. To them, Lelouch was still the Demon Emperor even if he wasn’t that to his little sister, best friend and old comrade (anymore, at least).

He took the torch from the young Black Knight and raised it above his head, as though he was holding a trophy. The people cheered. Then he jumped up to where the picture was placed just as it was revealed. Suzaku could hear a collective gasp echo in the crowd as they saw it (as though they hadn't been expecting something like it at all). He needed to jump again to reach the picture-Lelouch’s chest to be able to set it on fire. He gulped as he landed back on the ground and saw the hole that grew bigger as the flames burned appear where the ridiculous pink sword had gone through Lelouch. Suzaku turned to look at the people that were now chanting Zero’s name.

Suzaku went back to Nunnally’s side and quietly whispered “sorry”. She nodded lightly as a sign she’d heard him and forgave him. There were more musical performances Suzaku paid no attention to before the actual event ended. He escorted Nunnally to the car that was supposed to drive her back to the palace. She had other things to do so she couldn’t spend the rest of the day there (not that she wanted to watch people celebrate her brother’s death any longer, even if she hadn't had anything else to do).

The masked man, for his part, had to go back anyway. After all, he  _ was _ the reason the day was celebrated as Zero’s Day. Zero was dubbed and praised as the hero of the people, the messiah and the saviour of the world, and he was considered the one who had brought them their chance to a new world. In Suzaku’s opinion, he was only the hero of the people, and even that he was only because the people got to choose their own hero — and that meant it could be literally anyone, even the villain.  _ Lelouch _ was the one who brought them their new, peaceful world.  _ Lelouch _ was the saviour of the world.

Suzaku made sure he still looked like Zero and not a fake before going back. He hated it, but he was the symbol of justice and peace and truth and that just so happened to mean he had to do it every single year. He walked through the masses seemingly confident (shoulders not pressed down by the weight of the guilt he shouldn’t have been feeling) and kept reminding himself how to act. He also reminded himself to do some of the overdramatic moves his friend always did as Zero when he would get to somewhere that wasn’t as crowded — he didn’t want to accidentally hit anyone, after all.

He stepped up on a small stage and threw his hands to his sides.

“People of the world, I am here and shall not leave! Hear me, world, and all those who have power, heed my words carefully! Evil and any malicious deeds, those shall not be tolerated in this beautiful world we have. The world has changed a lot in these ten years, but that doesn’t mean I am not watching over it, ready to stand against anyone whose actions cause the peace to falter. I am a neutral force and won’t take sides with anything but justice. I shall fight against all who abuse their power. So here and now I shall once again declare that I will stand for and defend the people and the weak from all oppression. That is what Zero shall do until the very end.”

The people cheered at his words. After a while he stepped down and started making his way through the people — it was getting late and he (tried to assure himself he) had work to do. But, as he watched the people around him praise him, he caught a glimpse of a face twisted by a sad expression, their lips twisting between a smile and something else he couldn’t name. They were biting their lip as though they were anxious — but why would someone be anxious if they’d chosen to be there, if they were celebrating Zero?

And then he saw something he wasn’t expecting at all — a pair of piercing royal purple eyes glinting with sadness. The way their long eyelashes cast shadows on their face was a bit too familiar, as if he had seen it only some time ago on someone he knew far too well. Their eyes seemed to become filled with pure longing as they realised he was watching them but within mere seconds after that, the look in the stranger’s eyes turned to fear and sadness. Suzaku wasn’t able to understand why. There were so many things off about the moment but Suzaku wasn’t able to connect the dots.

What made everything worse was that that someone had black hair that touched their shoulders. It made Suzaku even more certain he saw someone he knew but wasn’t able to identify them for some unknown reason and it annoyed him. Still, he had to keep on walking, but all that time he kept his eyes on the strange person standing just a few metres from him. It would have been so easy to simply turn around and walk over to them, demand they tell him who they were. He didn’t. The last thing he saw of them before people blocked his view completely was a small, sorrowful smile and then their back as they turned around and walked away.

Suzaku tried to force himself not to think about it as he needed to stay in the role of the overdramatic masked hero. He did those ridiculous poses Zero always did, his whole being going on autopilot. He saw people take pictures of him and didn’t bring himself to care at all.

When he finally got back to the palace and away from the enthusiastic masses after hours and hours, he simply went to his room, in need of some peace and quiet. Suzaku slumped on his bed sighing before deciding he actually wanted to see Lelouch’s face and started searching through his drawers, knowing he had one somewhere there, when he caught a glimpse of the earlier stranger talking with someone. He walked over to the window to have a better view — after all, something about the stranger was still bugging him and he wanted answers — and the other person there drew his attention to themselves immediately. They had bright green hair.

Suzaku rubbed his eyes, surprised, because he knew only one person with hair such vibrant light green and that person was C.C.. The immortal witch he had come to know better during those few months they had spent together leading to Lelouch’s death, the immortal witch that was gone and nowhere to be found by the time Zero Requiem had been performed. Could it really be her? And who on earth could be familiar enough with her to talk to her like that, seemingly snapping at her without getting any reactions out of her?

A young looking, black-haired man with such beautiful, enchanting purple eyes (he didn’t see but could imagine at that moment), slim body and elegant way of moving… just who could it—?

And then the realisation hit him.

_ That bastard was still alive. _

Suzaku immediately ran back to his desk and started rummaging through the drawers, looking for a certain picture. He knew he had it there somewhere, and truly, it didn’t take him too long to find it. It was hidden under a fake bottom of one of the drawers and a lot of other things so as to not let anyone else find it. It would be very bad if anyone but those who already knew found out Zero’s true identity or the fact he cared about the dead emperor a lot. That was partly because if the one who found the picture was clever enough, they could come to the conclusion Lelouch had planned the whole thing and that Lelouch had been the former Zero. And, if they hated the ‘Demon Emperor’ enough to not care about the peace he had been able to give them a chance to obtain, they would likely tell everyone about it. And that, that would destroy absolutely everything.

In the picture there were Suzaku himself, Nunnally and Lelouch from around the time they had been happy and together in the Ashford Academy. Suzaku recognised the piercing eyes from earlier, saw the way his hair fell down on his eyes a bit and he knew, he just knew he had seen Lelouch earlier that day. During the celebration of his  _ own _ death. If Suzaku hadn't been so angry, he would have seen how miserable and painful it must have been to his best friend, but no, he was furious because said best friend had made him suffer for ten years and let his little sister mourn him as long. A decade was over a third of both their lives to them.

Suzaku made sure they were still there and after checking he still had the mask on, he nearly ran through the hallways towards the nearest exit. He ran through the streets towards the place he had seen C.C. and Lelouch at, hoping they hadn't left yet. He had no idea what he would actually do once he was there since Zero couldn’t yell at someone without drawing attention to them and that would mean Lelouch would get found, but for now, it really didn’t matter. He just needed to find them.

But, when he finally saw the area they had been at, he only saw the green-haired witch. There was absolutely no trace of Lelouch, no sign he’d ever been there in the first place.

Suzaku slowed down, no longer in hurry because the one he’d actually wanted to see was his best friend. Or, maybe he had just imagined seeing him, it could have been his mind tricking him since the whole day was a nightmare anyway. Then again, if that was the case, there was no reason for C.C. to be there, so he decided Lelouch hadn't been just a hallucination his imagination had created.

He walked to the witch who hadn’t moved at all  and grabbed her wrist. She turned around in surprise, but the shocked look on her face turned into a smirk as soon as she recognised him.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t  _ Zero _ himself? What have I done to get you so angry?, she laughed, much to Suzaku’s displeasure. It irritated him that she dared to smile,  _ smirk _ at him after she had just left when Suzaku would have most needed someone who knew about everything to remind him Lelouch had indeed asked him to kill him, that he hadn’t done something terrible even if it hurt him.

“Oh, I wonder, you witch, maybe not telling me a certain someone has apparently been alive this whole time could tick me off”, he snapped at the woman. He watched how shock returned to her expression, leaving her mouth open and eyes wide, as though she hadn’t realised he knew. Maybe she really hadn’t.

C.C. sighed and closed her eyes. “So you know”, she said and managed to get her hand out of Suzaku’s grip, crossing her arms. 

“Kind of hard not to, seeing as you were just talking with him, weren’t you? Where is he?”, he demanded from the witch even though he was quite sure she wouldn’t tell him.

“You... saw?”, she asked freezing ever so lightly. It was surprising to Suzaku that C.C. could in fact show emotions so much — or maybe it was just that she had never shown them so much in his presence. People change and in shock, they often tend to let their guard down at least a bit.

“You were literally talking under my window. You really didn’t realise I would live in the royal palace, considering I am technically Empress Nunnally’s knight. And, even if I didn’t, the palace is  _ full _ of people who know at least him, if not both of you. Are you really that much of an idiot?”, he sighed. Suzaku was careful about not saying Lelouch’s name. He hoped C.C. would do the same and not mention his or Suzaku’s names because both were supposed to be dead, they had both been declared dead a decade ago. Neither could show up now — or ever, really.

C.C. let out a breath and turned to face him again. Answering his earlier question, she said, “I don’t know where he went. He left just a moment ago but didn’t tell me where he was going.”

Suzaku sighed exasperatedly. What the hell was going on anymore? C.C. appeared out of nowhere after a decade, Lelouch had apparently been alive the entire time, Zero Requiem had just been his escape from everything, he had left Suzaku to suffer… Suzaku’s thoughts were a mess.

“He’s enjoying this, isn’t he? I’m sure he knows I’ve suffered for a  _ decade _ , just like his sister has. Has he spent these ten years having fun? Considered these years a holiday of sorts? Enjoyed our suffering and mourning, congratulated himself for creating his perfect world?!”, Suzaku snapped raising his voice. His voice was cracking. The fear of getting caught was certainly not on top of his mind as he gave into the anger dwelling inside him.

C.C. put her hands on Suzaku’s shoulders and shook him, trying to get him to come back to his senses.  “Are you _ trying _ to get caught? If someone hears, they might put two and two together and both you and he will get in trouble. Is that what you want?”

Suzaku snapped his mouth shut and looked at her. She was right (like she often was, even if he didn’t want to admit that — for example, she had been the one to mention and remind them that people tended to resist when you took away their vested interests after Lelouch had said he wasn’t very popular). He didn’t want to risk that even if he was furious with Lelouch.

“Besides, I think you are thinking too lowly of him. Who knows, he might have suffered more than anyone — except for possibly you”, she stated and turned to walk away. Suzaku reached for her but was met with mere air, she had already walked too far. Of course, he could have gone after her and caught her easily, that wasn’t a problem. He just couldn’t comprehend her words.

If what C.C. had said was true, if Lelouch too has suffered, he would maybe go somewhere he’d feel more at ease at. What could that place be, he didn’t know, but he decided he should sleep before thinking about it more. Maybe he could get new ideas, and if nothing else, it’d help him clear his head. That would be necessary if he wanted to ever actually find his genius best friend.

Suzaku groaned as he realised his head was aching and walked towards his room, shoulders dropped. He didn’t look like the prideful Zero he was (supposed to be) at all aside from his clothing, but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care. He probably should have, but there was too much going on to be able to actually think about it. Thankfully, he passed no one while in public and inside the palace he could’ve just blamed it on the tiring day, so it was okay. No one would question it. That was good, because after all, if anyone were to ask about it, there was no way he could answer — at least truthfully.

At this point, Suzaku decided that the whole story was stained with blood, lies, sorrow and pain. Every single part of it. Either they were stained in the moment (often by blood and lies — what else had they done but spilled blood and lied to everyone around them, even themselves and each other anyway?) or then they were — like some of their (possibly happier) moments — stained later with sorrow and pain because no longer did those moments exist. Now whenever Suzaku thought about them he was filled with sadness and agony because he longed for them, he wanted to go back to those moments and smile and be happy with his friends.

He sat down on his bed (or more like fell down on it because he was tired) and took off his mask. For the first time in ten years he dared to look at the mask after he’d taken it off, not as scared to possibly see his own reflection as he’d been before. Now that he was sure Lelouch was still alive he didn’t get the urge to kill himself on the spot while blaming himself for everything. Right now, his anger was directed at Lelouch and no one else. Okay, fine, maybe it was also directed at himself for not seeing this happen beforehand, or maybe it was directed at C.C. for not telling him anything, even giving a hint or a subtle warning about this, but there was nothing he could do about it anymore. That, if nothing else, was for sure.

What he saw was a face of a young man, too young to be Suzaku, but he decided he was just seeing things because of exhaustion. That must’ve been it, he thought, and set the mask on his desk before going to sleep.

That night he dreamed of meeting his worst enemy (best friend, the love of his life) again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> I'm not sure you've realised it by now but I really like making references to the anime itself as well as other things. My friend who is amazing and always beta reads these chapters went "are you fucking serious" when she found a few references to Hamilton actually. Oops? I'm not sorry. 
> 
> Anyway, kudos and comments really make my day, I'd love to hear what you thought about this story and chapter!


	6. No Need for Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know how just when you think nothing can go any worse, things go south right away? Well, that’s how Suzaku feels right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost finished, and I'm getting even more scared what you'll think, but well, read it yourself and think what you want. 
> 
> Also, once again, I'm so glad my friend keeps betaing these chapters for me because you can't believe how many mistakes I've done by now. Seriously, she's a life saviour. 
> 
> Also I'm sick right now and it is not fun at all.

Next morning Suzaku woke up feeling empty. He stared at the ceiling and felt like he wasn’t able to move. He had vague recollections of seeing Lelouch the day before and for a while thought he had simply imagined it because he had missed his friend so much. After all, it had been the 10th anniversary of his death, it was a long time to go without the one you’ve loved since you were a child (even if the type of love he felt kept changing until it was romantic). Then his eyes caught a glimpse of the photograph he had left on his desk the night before and it all came rushing back. The anger, the sadness, the regret, the longing — he remembered being furious at Lelouch.

After sleeping the night he no longer felt the urge to find Lelouch and straight up strangle him to death for making him suffer, but that of course did not mean he wasn’t angry. He still wanted to at least yell at his friend, that was the least he deserved after doing all this. 

It didn’t take long before Suzaku remembered C.C. mentioning something about the chance that Lelouch had suffered more than anyone but maybe Suzaku — and then he realised the reason he’d went to bed instead of wondering where Lelouch could be was that he thought he could gather up some strength to survive the day without feeling as tired as he’d been. After all, there was no way he’d ever figure out where he was if he was about to fall down out of exhaustion all the time.

So, if Lelouch truly  _ was  _ suffering, he would most definitely go somewhere he’d feel at ease at. Then again, Suzaku couldn’t come up with any place that wasn’t full of memories of betrayal and pain to Lelouch.

Suzaku felt bad thinking that but remembered he was supposed to be mad at Lelouch and mentally slapped himself. Lelouch had left Suzaku and his little sister alone without caring at all how they would feel about it. Then, after ten years, he thought it was a good time to come back to their lives even if he hadn’t meant to come to  _ them _ . That was probably what made it all even worse, Lelouch came back with no intention to actually come back.

All of a sudden Suzaku remembered the messages he’d received from Lelouch again. There was a flower that symbolised  _ rebirth, new beginnings _ and  _ eternal life. _ Daffodils, he recalled. What if those had been the main thing about it besides the fact the flowers also indicated joy and happiness if there were a bunch of them, and that a single one foretold misfortune? What if Lelouch had chosen the flowers for all their meanings, hoping (knowing) that while Suzaku would want to believe the three about him being possibly alive, he’d decide that it’d be impossible.

Then there was the recording he’d gotten, “ _ Suzaku, I apologise for making you do this and not delivering the message to you by myself. Look up the flower meanings, please. Let us meet again if there is a god that thinks we have already suffered our punishment and is kind enough to lead us back to happiness. _ ”

What if Lelouch had hoped there was a god that would either let Suzaku know he was alive and then make Suzaku try and find him, or would let them be reborn one day and let them meet again when everything was better and they wouldn’t need to suffer again? But what was it about the “punishment” if Lelouch had in truth been alive the entire time and if the only one of them who’d suffered because of Lelouch’s fake death was Suzaku? Oh, but C.C. had mentioned that he too had suffered, Suzaku reminded himself once again, so maybe — if it was true — something else than death had been his way to repent his actions. What in the world it could be, that Suzaku didn’t know.

Then he realised he’d gotten the video almost ten years after his friend’s death. He still didn’t know who had brought it to him, but if it was Lelouch since he wasn’t dead after all, it made everything worse. If that was the case, it meant he had left it there with that message and made Suzaku scared someone had found out their secret. Well, at least Nunnally and Kallen had the whole thing figured out and Tohdoh too knew at least his identity — and it was possible others knew his identity as well — but still. They would’ve made it clear they had been behind the message. Suzaku came to the conclusion Lelouch had brought it to him (C.C. was still a possibility but right now Suzaku wanted to be mad at his friend).

The only two places he was able to think of were the Exelica Garden and the garden Lelouch’s and his  _ empty _ graves were placed that could maybe be calming enough for Lelouch, but then again, neither of those were exactly places Lelouch had good memories in. After all, one had their graves (a reminder of everything) and his message in it and in the other they had talked about Zero Requiem while still believing Nunnally was dead. So well, neither of them would work. And besides, there was no way Lelouch could get into either without help from someone inside, and it was unlikely anyone but Jeremiah, Nunnally and Suzaku within the palace liked him. 

 

So, there was no place he could think of.  _ Unless… _

There was no place he knew that wouldn’t be full of memories of betrayal and pain to Lelouch, at least not in all of  _ Britannia. _ So, what if he had left Britannia or was about to leave it to go somewhere else? So, what if there was a place somewhere else where the good memories were much stronger than the bad ones?

He hadn’t really spent time in other countries besides Britannia, Japan and the former Chinese Federation, so if Britannia was out of question and the Chinese Federation hadn’t been all that lovely either, it would leave Japan the only possibility. Then again, Japan wasn’t a small place either — it was actually fairly big — so it wouldn’t be easy to find him either way. At least he’d been able to limit his search to only Japan and not the entire world — if that was the case, there was no way he could ever find him again unless Lelouch came to see Suzaku himself. And that was unlikely.

That meant his best bet was to talk to Nunnally and try to get a week or two free so that he could go to Japan and have some time to search for his friend. Or, well, were they even friends anymore? Ten years had passed and Suzaku was most definitely more than angry at Lelouch for abandoning him — and Lelouch had lied once again. Could they any longer forgive each other? Could Suzaku forgive Lelouch? Maybe. He didn’t know.

Basically, it meant he only needed to talk to Nunnally, hope she gave him the break and then buy tickets to the next leaving plane.  _ Technically _ he could go on a Knightmare but those were meant for war and would likely frighten people, while Suzaku was meant for peace.

A bit later he was behind the empress’ study’s door and knocked. He knew she wasn’t supposed to be in any meetings at the moment so there was a possibility they could talk right away.

“Who is it?”, was the question that came from behind the door. 

“It’s Zero, Your Majesty. May I come in?”

“Sure.”

Suzaku opened the door and walked inside. He bowed at waist and waited for the young woman to tell him to rise. As the command to do so came, he straightened up and looked at her. She was clearly tired from all the work but because she took her role as the empress very seriously, she didn’t really stop to relax unless someone told her to — or bothered her enough with something else so that she couldn't work for a while. And because people didn’t usually tell her to relax nor did they want to bother her while she was working, she kept on doing it. Suzaku was glad he had come now since it gave her a good reason to take a break, at least a short one, depending on how long they talked.

“So, what do you want?”, Nunnally asked when he didn’t speak.

“I would like to request a short holiday, to visit Japan after a long time”, he replied, hesitating to answer.

Nunnally froze for a second. “What? Why do you want to go there? I mean, of course you can, you deserve it, but this is literally the first time you ask for anything like that. Is something wrong?” She set her papers on the table and looked at him, voice echoing with worry. Nunnally had always cared for him, but especially now that they were both going through a hard time (again) she thought it was necessary.

“This is all just too much”, he said and continued with a chuckle, “One could think I would be over him after all this time but I guess not.”

“It’s not easy to get over the ones you love, Suzaku.”

“Are you over him yet?”

“I think so”, she said and seemed to think about it before adding, “Although, the pain does come back when I think about him more. Then again, there was a smile on his lips and he seemed to be satisfied as he died so it’s okay. It’s not like he regretted things.”

Suzaku felt bad as he thought of what he’d found out the day before and was not sure whether he should tell Nunnally her brother was in fact alive.

“Yet you can’t seem to smile”, Suzaku said sighing. “He died with a smile and took yours away with him.”

“I— Yeah, I suppose it was so for the longest time but that’s not the case anymore.”

“When— How—?”

“I decided to be happy again, so I started trying to find new joys from small things all around me. It’s still difficult without him, because this kind world I wished for isn’t so kind without him, but I’ll get there. He wanted me to be happy, he wanted the world to be happy again, that is why he sacrificed his all, isn’t it?”, Nunnally asked, smiling. Her smile was still somewhere in the forced ones, but now there were genuine feelings of happiness too. Suzaku could clearly see a glint of happiness in her eyes even if they were glistening with tears as well. He couldn’t let the young woman in front of his eyes be sad over her brother more than necessary. He was not going to tell her Lelouch was alive — she couldn’t live with him anymore anyway. He knew he was making decisions for her but it wasn't like he could ask her about it.

“I— Yes, it is. He wanted everyone to smile.”

“That’s partly why I feel bad for never smiling at him during the months before his death. I thought he was a monster and kept blaming  him for everything. I tried to kill him, both of you. I though I could erase his sins by firing the F.L.E.I.J.A.s but all I did was commit them myself. It’s my fault so many di—”, she said before being interrupted.

“No. It’s not your fault — at least most of it isn’t. Sure, I’m not saying firing the F.L.E.I.J.A.s was the best thing to do, no, but you aren’t the only one who has fired them. I fired the one that almost killed you and did kill 10 million people at once, injured another 15 million. I believe it was Schneizel who fired the F.L.E.I.J.A. that destroyed Pendragon, killing everyone who stayed there. No one knows how many Lelouch killed when he fired one. Nina created F.L.E.I.J.A.s in the first place. If you are to blame, you aren’t the only one. Besides, it was war, casualties are bound to happen. Most of them would’ve likely died anyway.”

“But—”

“You did it purely for a good cause, you didn’t want people to die, even if you knew that was what was going to happen. Lelouch and I instead… Well, we both killed people, sometimes just because we could. We both ordered the deaths of so many, he as Zero and then the Demon Emperor — Nunnally, I know he wasn’t a demon but he was the Demon Emperor, that’s the role he chose to save the world and you know it just as well as I do —, I did the same as the Knights of Seven and Zero. You’re way better off than we were or could ever be. And besides, you are the empress that has been able to keep the world peaceful for ten years already mostly through negotiations.”

Nunnally looked at him with an expression that said “I give up”. She sighed and leaned on her hands. Suzaku was right, no matter what she tried to convince him or herself of.

“Still, was peace really worth both your lives?”

“Yes. It was the lives of two people who were killers and whom most hated versus the lives of everyone else in the world and their happiness. We were worth less.”

Nunnally nodded. “So you just did what you thought you had to, what you thought was worth the outcome?”

“Yeah. What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight. And if it's worth the fight, it's also worth the price.”

Truly, they had done so much to achieve peace and happiness, yet the way they had to obtain it was not one they wanted to use — and neither got to experience it as the punishment. But Lelouch was somewhere there possibly happy while Suzaku had spent too many years mourning and feeling numb, so it wasn’t like both had to suffer. It didn’t matter that C.C. had said that might not be the case because he still felt betrayed. Even so, there was something in the thought that bugged him, as though something that he believed was incorrect according to the part of him that had actually known Lelouch. It was like that side of him was saying “I beg to differ” every time Suzaku thought Lelouch was a bastard who had done his best to hurt Suzaku.

“So, when do you want to leave? I need to know in order to be able to give you the break”, Nunnally said, drawing Suzaku’s attention from his thoughts back to her. 

“Err… I was thinking about today.”

“Today?”

Suzaku was able to hear the disbelief in her voice, which was understandable — usually people didn’t ask for a week or two off the day they were planning to leave somewhere.

“Yes. I know it’s a bit sudden, but—”

“You’ll get it. Have fun and try to relax. I recommend you to visit the Ashford Academy and the Kururugi Shrine if you can. I think it’d be good for you to see them again”, she said smiling.

This was once again one of those moments when he thought she was an angel sent from heaven, if those even existed in the first place. Her sand coloured hair looked like it was glowing as the sunlight shone from the window behind her, making her look even more angelic than she already did. Suzaku was grateful for Nunnally and her kindness, he truly was. He didn’t know how he would have survived sane without her. The guilt would have already driven him mad and he would have probably blamed himself even more than he had until now if not for Nunnally and her constant reminders that what had been done was in the past and thus could not be affected anymore, and that she forgave him because it was what her brother would have wanted.

“But, I do have a request before you go. You can say no if you want to, though.”

“What is it?”

“Please take off your mask for me once more. I want to see your face.”

He looked at her shocked. She knew he couldn’t take it off, he’d promised that much to Lelouch and himself, to truly become Zero. Suzaku had decided that this was the one thing he would not fail Lelouch with. Then again,  _ that _ was when he still thought Lelouch was dead, so…

“Okay.”

“Really? Thank you!”

His motions were painfully slow as he lifted his hand to take off his mask. It felt like his whole body was against it. He breathed in deep before pressing the button that opened it.

Nunnally watched carefully as the mask was taken off. She saw he still had the same curly and messy cloud of brown hair she remembered — although it was much longer now —, still the same emerald green eyes even though they were now painted over with agony and sadness. In short, he still had the same face.

Wait a minute.

_ The same face? _

That couldn’t be right.

She looked at him, shock and slight terror slowly overcoming her otherwise calm expression. It couldn’t be right, how could he still have the very same looking face he had when she had last seen him? It was ten years since that day, there was no way he could possibly look exactly the same.

—But he most certainly did.  

“Is there something wrong, Nunnally?”, Suzaku asked, worrying as she didn’t speak and only stared blankly at him.

“Your— your face— Did you—?” She couldn’t get a single complete sentence out of her mouth. She was trembling.

Suzaku walked towards Nunnally but she put her hands in front of her, as though covering herself. He stopped in his tracks, his whole expression overcoming with concern and uneasiness. This wasn’t normal behaviour for Nunnally. Suzaku stepped back and saw Nunnally lower her hands in her lap. She breathed in deeply, as though trying to calm herself. Suzaku wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.

“I’m sorry, that was out of line and not very polite of me, Suzaku”, she finally said, her voice still shaking. 

“No, I should apologise, I frightened you. But, what did I do?”

Instead of answering, she handed him a small pocket mirror. Suzaku took it but didn’t look at it.

“Have you— Have you seen your face recently?”, Nunnally asked and moved her wheelchair towards him from behind her desk.

“No. I haven’t been able to, not once in ten years. I know I’d end up hating myself even more if I were to see my reflection, because after all, that is the face of my best friend’s — and your brother’s — assassin. Yes, even though he asked me to do it.”

She raised her hand to his cheek and caressed it gently. Then she took the pocket mirror from his hands and showed it to him so that he’d be able to see the reflection.

Suzaku took the mirror carefully and looked at it. For some reason it seemed to be important to Nunnally, so well, he decided to do as she wished.

His eyes widened at the sight of his face reflected in the mirror. The man — boy — reflected on its surface was far too young to be  _ him _ , far, far too young to be a 28-year-old — but he was just young enough to be his 18-year-old self.

He dropped the mirror and stumbled a step or two backwards, frightened. It couldn’t be possible for him to look like he hadn’t aged a day in ten years, yet that was exactly how it was. There was no way he could still look like this unless he’d become an immortal like C.C. was, but that wasn’t possible, unless—

That’s right. There was a way, although he was doubtful of whether even geass could do such a thing.

_ “Do you hear me, Maj. Kururugi? Respond!” One of the commanders that had come along to the island contacted him while Suzaku was still talking with Zero.  _

_ “May I?”, he asked the masked man although he doubted getting the permission. It just so happened to be safer to ask because after all, Zero held him quite literally at gunpoint.  _

_ “As you wish”, he answered, shrugging. _

_ “This is Lt. Colonel Fayer, commander of the Britannian base here on Shikine Island. We’re launching surface missiles against the terrorists! Maj. Kururugi, you are ordered to keep Zero there!” _

_ Suzaku, following his orders, grabbed Zero’s wrist which held the gun and twisted it so that he could get behind Zero. That way he could use Zero’s own gun against him. Then he began bringing — or rather dragging — the masked man towards the Lancelot. _

_ “Kururugi, what are you—” _

_ “I can’t approve of your methods! All I can do right now is this!” _

_ The red Knightmare moved quickly towards them but was stopped by the very same machines Zero had stopped Suzaku with. Suzaku dragged him up to the cockpit of the Lancelot and pointed his gun at the man. _

_ “You’re going to die as well! Do you really not mind that?” Was it his imagination or did Zero sound… concerned and panicked? And somehow he made it sound like he wasn’t that for is own life, but Suzaku’s? _

_ Lt. Colonel Fayer’s voice came through a sound only - channel in the Lancelot. “Maj. Kururugi, you won’t be dying in vain! We’ll be able to bury Zero, the traitor to our homeland, once and for all! They’ll be talking about your bravery for generations to come!” _

_ “Shut up!” Zero hit the machine, yelling in anger. It was clear he was furious, although Suzaku wasn’t sure what his wrath was directed at. The man in front of him was confusing. _

_ “A soldier has to follow his orders!” _

_ “Certainly easier than following your own heart! How do you feel about this!” _

_ “You’re wrong! I’m doing this by my own rules!” _

_ Only then did he notice the sounds of shooting around him and the shadow that covered them, casted by the Avalon. He could hear a woman yelling something but he couldn’t make out what it was. He was still looking at the sky when Zero came towards him, and — was it worry in his voice he heard? And besides that, when had he began using Suzaku’s given name anyway? Was it someone he knew, after all? _

_ “Suzaku! If you don’t do something, you’re really going to die!” The man still spoke as though it was only Suzaku’s life he cared about and not his own.  _

_ “Better than breaking more rules!” _

_ “You stubborn fool!” _

 

**_“Live!”_ **

 

_ “Maj. Kururugi, follow your orders!” _

_ “Shut up! Who cares about them? I HAVE TO LIVE!” _

Yeah, that was indeed the only reason he could think of as to why he looked like an eighteen-year-old. But, at the time, he had been 17… So if it was Lelouch’s command that made him like this, had he been stuck looking like a 17-year-old a year before he stopped looking at himself? It was a possibility, considering he wouldn’t have changed a lot in that time anyway. No one would have noticed.

Nunnally grabbed his hands in hers and held them gently to warm them up. His hands had gone cold some time ago, simply because he felt so anxious and uneasy about everything.

“Do you know what could cause this?”

“I— No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, I will leave it to you. I believe you know your way to the airport. I’ll buy your tickets right away, promise me you’ll try to relax on your trip, won’t you?”

“Of course. I’ll try.”

Suzaku smiled at Nunnally. She was still better at collecting herself than he was, already calm. Or, maybe it was the same with her as it had been with Lelouch, always worrying more about others than themselves. The two siblings were impossible.

But now he was even more angry with his apparently not-so-dead friend. Not only had he destroyed his life by making him believe he’d killed Lelouch but he’d also probably taken away Suzaku’s last possible chance to die, even if it would have been the day of his natural death — or at least that was how it seemed like right now. Lelouch had stopped his time, for eternity.

“Thank you, Nunnally”, Suzaku said before putting the mask back on. He opened the door and stepped outside. He had things to discuss with a certain someone.

He packed his things (two Zero costumes, a few other pieces of clothing, a book and money, of course) and left for the airport. He knew that if Nunnally was to buy tickets for him, he’d definitely get a place in the next leaving aeroplane.

And that was exactly how it was. When he arrived at the airport, some of the employees came to him and led him to his plane right away. It was supposed to had left about five minutes ago but because the Empress herself had made the request, they were willing to wait for him.

As he watched the changing landscape below, he wondered what could have driven Lelouch to lying to Suzaku once again, even after they had finally abandoned deceit between the two of them. Even after they had finally had an actual conversation and made things clear, for example why they had done what they had done. They had yelled at each other half of that time, although when Lelouch had gotten mad enough, his voice had gone completely calm and quiet — which was honestly terrifying. Suzaku, for his part, had cursed Lelouch and almost choked him once, or twice, or… possibly more often than that. There had been tears and choked sobs and wrathful curses, but in the very end of it, they’d hugged each other and sworn to quit lying to each other. They had though they were past the point where lies were necessary. After all, now it was them versus the world, there was no point in lying any longer. They could be completely honest with only each other — and maybe C.C. — from there on.

And Suzaku knew Lelouch hadn’t wanted to hurt him — even if he was the one granting Suzaku the lifelong punishment of living, that was for sure. So, what in the world could have made Lelouch do it all, hurt Suzaku and lie to him once again?

What if Lelouch had been trying to protect him? Now while it felt wrong, it wasn’t something completely out of question, no. That much he was certain of.

And, if that was the case indeed, it hurt Suzaku even more. For what reason, he had no idea.

Because after all, what was Lelouch if not a murderer and a liar? Why in the world should he feel sorry for someone so horrible, someone who’d killed even his own family without any visible remorse? Why would he mourn a demon of all the people who had died in the war the two of them had played major roles in?

He knew the answer perfectly well. Frankly, there was no question of why if Suzaku honestly thought about it. Yes, Lelouch was a murderer and a liar, he had betrayed and deceived all and everyone he knew no matter how close to him they had been, and as though that wasn’t enough to deem him a demon, there was also the fact to mention that the last two years before his ‘death’, he’d walked the path of carnage. Yes, that all was true and not something anyone could deny no matter how much they loved him, but even so, Lelouch was a hero.

Lelouch was a bloodstained hero.

The world had never deserved him, both because he’d been an absolutely horrible person and the world deserved way better, but he’d also saved the world with those lies he was always creating and he had given peace to the world as a gift — and he never got anything back from the world for doing that, except for mock. The world had taken it earnestly but they hadn’t accepted the giver. Sure, that was probably for the best and it was what Lelouch had wanted, but for some unknown reason it still bothered Suzaku. In Suzaku’s honest opinion, the world did not deserve something as amazing as peace if they wanted to get rid of the only one who was able and willing to give it to them without asking for anything in return.

And then he remembered the short conversation he’d had with Lelouch long ago. It probably happened the night before the world’s greatest act called Zero Requiem had been performed on a stage that took months to prepare.

_ “You know, all of this ends as I lose at the hands of the one I choose.” _

_ Lelouch’s words puzzled Suzaku, although he did have an idea of what he meant. “What do you mean?” _

_ “I mean, you’ll kill me tomorrow, won’t you?”  _

_ “Oh, that… Yes…” Suzaku couldn’t get his voice above a quiet whisper, basically murmuring the last word. _

_ “Oh, my dearest, the White Knight, this is where our ways part for this is where you call checkmate on me.” Lelouch had the tendency to be dramatic over everything, even if sometimes — like now — it was understandable.  _

_ “Do you always need to make chess references? Can’t you please stop, at least for one day?”, Suzaku asked exasperatedly. _

_ “No, not really. I would have, if you had asked earlier, but since this is my last day alive, I want and am allowed to make them for the last time. You know that, Suzaku. This bloodshed I’ve caused needs to stop, and it needs to stop before more blood is spilled”, Lelouch chuckled with no happiness audible in his voice. _

_ “But I’ll spill your blood to end it, will I not? Is it really possible that spilling even more blood can be our salvation and punishment?” _

_ “Yes. The two of us shall not live, and the only way to ensure we’re gone is to make us disappear. You are already dead to the public eye, so you can simply keep the mask on, but I am the worse one out of us two. I need to die in front of them. They won’t accept my death otherwise, they wouldn’t believe it. And, if I’m alive — if they even think I’m alive —, it could make the people restless. Just the awareness of my existence, even if I were to be imprisoned until the end of time and they knew it, could cause restlessness and chaos.” _

_ Suzaku sighed and lifted his gaze from the floor back to his dearest friend. With confidence he didn’t know the source of, he asked for the last thing he could from Lelouch. He wanted something he could remind himself to do when his mind ended up beyond his control and his friend was gone, not there to help him ground. _

_ “Then… If the emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire is dead from tomorrow on, may I receive my last order now, whatever it might be.” _

_ “That is okay. I only have one order. Take care of the young white queen, my darling little sister. Protect her at all costs, I want her to be safe.” _

_ Suzaku groaned quietly at the chess reference, but nodded. “Yes, Your Majesty.” _

_ “Then, I have to admit, I also do have a selfish request. You’re free to ignore it if you want to, but I wish you would listen to it. It is not from the Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia, but your friend Lelouch”, he said, a slightly sheepish smile on his face. Suzaku wanted to treasure it, just like all the smiles he could see on Lelouch’s lips in the short time they had left, since this was bound to be one of the last.  _

_ “What is it, Lelouch?”, Suzaku asked, using Lelouch’s name to make it clear he was listening to him as Suzaku — not the Knight of Zero. _

_ “I wish for you to remember me, preferably as the Lelouch who was your friend, cared for you and wanted your best, not the enemy of the world who just killed and killed and killed. Please. Oh, and also, live on for my sake.” _

_ Lelouch’s eyes were filled with sadness. It made Suzaku feel like choking, but he smiled nevertheless and replied, “I’ll never forget you, Lelouch. Never. Because after all, you were always my first true friend.” _

  
  
  
  


_ “Thank you, Suzaku. I will never forget you either.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Geass doesn't work like this and Lelouch’s Geass shouldn't be able to make people do anything they couldn’t physically do (like, dunno, become an immortal?) but well, this is an au anyway so.... And besides it could maybe one day make things less sad. Maybe. No promises though, I've been told I'm incapable of writing happiness. 
> 
> I'm glad you read this! I also very much appreciate kudos and especially comments, so if you want to, why not comment your thoughts and give me some feedback? They always make my day!


	7. Never Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are moments when words are worth nothing, moments when words are the only way to get through them, and moments when you have no words left, but you have to find them because without the moment will be gone and you can never get it back again — even if it means not necessarily speaking the truth. Not speaking the truth might spare someone from their inevitable pain, right? 
> 
> Yes, that must be true, until you're lied to and you realise how much more sorrowful, painful and worse the reality behind lies is. Especially when those lies come from the one you trust and wish stopped doing it for longer than you can even remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it is time I accepted I've finished this fic and posted the last chapter. Honestly I feel so empty, I really enjoyed doing this even if it took me months to complete (as in, I originally began writing this in October 2018 after finishing watching Code Geass even if I published the first chapter in January). Oh well, what can you do. 
> 
> Oh, and if you haven't noticed yet just how much I like echoing back to the anime, I did it again.
> 
> I also have to thank, once again, my amazing friend who proofread this chapter for me as well. She's great, I love her.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this!

After the flight when Suzaku stepped out of the plane, he felt people staring him. Sure, he was used to it, but for some reason it was bothersome at the moment. Especially that long haired blond who sat next to him during the flight seemed to have watched over Suzaku’s every move. And what bothered him the most about the blond was that he also looked like he was afraid of him. There was no reason to be afraid of him, right? Suzaku was the people’s hero after all, at least as long as his face was hidden under the ridiculous mask of Zero.

When he finally got out of the airport, he sighed out of relief. He was back in the place he’d grown up in, where he had met Lelouch and where he had finally executed his best friend. Honestly, most of the important events in his life took their place in Japan. This was the place he knew — or at least had known — like the back of his hand. There were many things he didn't really want to remember that came to his mind while being there — namely Euphie’s death and Lelouch’s ‘death’ — but more than anything, most of his good and happy memories were from Japan. 

Suzaku saw how the trees slightly bended in the wind and how the fallen leaves were flying in the air. He hoped he could just take off his mask and feel the cool breeze on his cheeks but that wasn’t possible. He was still the betrayer to Japan, and even if Lelouch was alive, risking world peace they’d achieved with Zero Requiem didn’t seem worth feeling wind. Lelouch had really ensured Suzaku could never stop being Zero and show his face because to the world, Suzaku was Lelouch’s knight, and if Zero were revealed to be Suzaku — who was, in fact, alive —, what was there to say Lelouch wasn’t alive as well. No way he’d risk any of that.

Suzaku was pretty sure the cape he wore was flying around him as well, in the same preposterous way he’d seen it do on Lelouch. It didn’t matter that Suzaku was angry at his friend at the moment, he was certain (and would admit it to himself and Nunnally at any given time) that it looked way better on Lelouch than Suzaku.

The first thing he decided to do was to visit his official grave in Japan. He was fairly sure that it was placed somewhere near the other graves of those Japanese who died in the battles between Britannia and Japan. It didn’t matter that ‘Kururugi Suzaku’ was a betrayer to the Japanese, he was nevertheless a great knightmare pilot and had advanced farther than any other in a long time. 

Which, of course, didn’t mean that he wasn’t surprised to see a few people in front of his grave, especially as they looked like they were paying their respects to him instead of mocking him.

And what surprised him even more was realising those people were Kaguya and Sayoko, along with Empress Tianzi and Xingke. All of them should hate him, shouldn’t they? He had indeed only kept betraying the Japanese for his whole life, or at least that was what he had been told since he joined the military. He had also attacked and endangered both Tianzi and Xingke more than once or twice.

Especially Kaguya should detest him. They were cousins and yet he had threatened her many, many times. It was like Suzaku hadn’t cared for her at all, which of course wasn’t true. They just happened to be on the opposite sides of the war, he couldn’t have done anything to help her unless she had joined the Britannian side.

Sayoko too, to her he’d mostly been the Knight of Zero (and the Japanese kid Lelouch had cared about a lot when Sayoko was still  helping Nunnally in Ashford), so it wasn’t probable she liked him very much. Scratch that, the probability she liked him was zero.

When he walked towards the four, they all turned their heads to see him. If something, it was that that wasn’t surprising, considering it was quiet and his footsteps seemed to echo in the silence.

“Well, well, Zero, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be next to Empress Nunnally, in  _ Britannia _ ?”, Xingke asked with a biting tone. Apparently, even if the newer Black Knights respected him, the ones that had either been a part of the order or worked with them back when Lelouch was still Zero did not like him — at least unless they knew who he was — and didn’t hesitate to show it if they were alone. Then again, considering who these four were, they probably wouldn’t like him either way, which made finding them here all more odd.

“I was granted a break from my duties as Her Majesty’s knight. That should be good enough of a reason for you, now shouldn’t it?”, he replied, watching how his cousin’s green eyes were surveying him with suspicion.

“And why should it be a good reason? We might have taken it from the  _ old _ Zero, but not you.” She flipped her hand nonchalantly. “Sure, I’m grateful we are still alive because you executed the late emperor and all, but you aren’t  _ our _ Zero and you know that perfectly well”, Kaguya said.

Suzaku was taken aback by the black-haired woman snapping at him. He wasn’t exactly used to her acting like this. Yeah, she too had definitely grown so much, no longer the mostly quiet and shy girl he had once known. She was also still the chairman of the UFN. It was good it was her, she was definitely the best one for the job.

“Ohh, so this new Zero is capable of being startled”, Kaguya sneered, a light smirk appearing on her face. Yeah, she definitely didn’t like him.

“Lady Kaguya, I think you’re being offensive. He did save us all”, Sayoko reminded her, stepping closer. She put her hand on Kaguya’s shoulder which made the younger woman sigh and relax a bit.

“That is probably true. Well then, I apologise for stepping out of line, I suppose that was very impolite of me.”

“It’s fine. It doesn’t surprise me the previous Zero’s comrades don’t approve of me very well.”

Kaguya chuckled and turned back to the grave. Suzaku only barely caught the words she next muttered and froze at them.

“It’s just that he killed Lord Zero — no, Lelouch —, and it’s far easier to blame him for what happened to my cousin as well than it is to accept it might have been our — or worse, my — fault. No matter what he was like or if we thought about everything differently in the end, he was still my cousin and a dear one at that.”

Sayoko rubbed her shoulder, trying to comfort Kaguya. Lihua too came to her, expression dyed by worry for her beloved friend. Frankly speaking, it was weird how both Lihua and Kaguya had been so young — just little children, especially Lihua — when he’d last seen them, but now, now they were both over twenty.

Suzaku turned around to leave, but not before he saw Sayoko shoot him a knowing and accusing look.

“I’m truly sorry, Kaguya. We didn’t — I didn’t — ever mean to hurt you like this”, he whispered to the air glancing at the sky and walked away.

Kaguya jumped in surprise and watched the back of the mysterious man become more distant, her emerald green eyes widening. Her hand automatically reached towards him, not having control over her own body and reactions anymore. This man had just apologised to her, using her given name — without the proper title, too — and had said that he and someone else didn’t want to hurt her. Could it be that her friends’ suspicions had been true all along? Kaguya needed to find out.

She wriggled out of her friends’ hands and ran after Zero. She was able to stop him only by grabbing his cape, and that too only happened when she tripped over her dress and fell down. He had to stop to keep his own balance, which meant she could question him.

“Who are you, really?”, Kaguya asked as he helped her up.

“I am a symbol, and the only name I can give you is Zero”, the masked man said with the same monotonous voice he most often had.

“No. Then there shouldn’t be any reason for you to apologise, because  _ Zero _ never hurt me. And who is the other person you mentioned? Could it be that—”

“I’m sorry, this isn’t something I can talk with you about. Goodbye, Lady Kaguya.”

“Suzaku, please.”

“…Your cousin Sir Kururugi is dead for good, and you know that. Ms. Kozuki killed him during their battle on the Damocles.

Zero left, leaving her only able to stare at him as he walked away. She had wanted it to be Suzaku, she missed him so much, but she hadn’t received any reaction other than his answer when she’d called him by Suzaku’s name. She had not heard the hesitation in his voice, or the short pause before his answer because he didn’t know how to reply to her without causing her more pain.

“Why did you call him by your cousin’s name, Kaguya?”, Lihua asked quietly, walking to her friend’s side. 

“He just… reminded me so much of him. I don’t know. I wanted him to be alive. I miss him.”

“Lady Kaguya, I think that if it is your cousin, he wouldn’t tell anyone about his identity for Lelouch’s sake.”

Sayoko’s words made the young chairman think about the possibility. But why? After all, it was Zero who had killed Lelouch, and  _ if _ Suzaku was Zero now, that meant he had killed his enem— empero— best frien— well, something, whatever they had been to each other in reality in their last months. It didn’t explain why Suzaku wouldn’t tell her it was him for  _ Lelouch’s _ sake. It made no sense, but then Sayoko continued.

“The two of them never stopped caring for each other. I should know — I am certain of it, in fact — because after all, I saw how the two of them together were like, both in civil, and then as the emperor and his knight. It felt like there was always this kind of odd unsaid loyalty and trust no one ever spoke of hanging in the around them, no matter what. It was like they never needed to confirm the other understood or if they could truly put their faith in each other. They were also kind of a peculiar pair to be an emperor and a knight — it was as though while Kururugi was of course answerable to Lelouch, it was also the other way around. I don’t think it’d be unjustifiable to say that they cared for each other more than either of them would ever admit or even knew.”

“Sounds like love to me”, Xingke said. Lihua nodded, agreeing with him. 

“I guess”, Kaguya mumbled, tears prickling in her eyes as she watched Zero grow more distant. A small smile made its way to her lips.

“Maybe it was love indeed.”

 

❋❋❋❋❋❋❋

 

While Kaguya, Sayoko and the others were still talking, Suzaku walked away. That’s not to say he was capable of not looking back though. In fact, he wanted to turn around and go back to them. Suzaku sort of wanted to tell Kaguya he was alive (not okay, but alive), but he didn’t think it was right. No, it was that he knew it wasn’t right. Even if Lelouch was in fact alive, he still couldn’t tell his identity or take off his mask in front of just anyone because of whom he had become as the Knight of Zero. Besides, he still looked like a teenager, that would frighten probably anyone who knew he was (supposed to be) nearing his thirties. Lelouch had truly made sure he’d never be able to live as Kururugi Suzaku again. Only Zero, always Zero.

And speaking of Lelouch, now he needed to find him. He still had no idea where to start, but at least he knew he didn’t need to go anywhere where many people liked to hang around. That meant all most likely crowded places where out of question. It also meant he should try finding a place with privacy, which just so happened to also mean someone had to privately own the place to make sure people wouldn’t just randomly go there — and whatever it was, it was likely that it was in the possession of someone who didn’t come to Japan often, yet was in a position high enough that people respected their privacy. Or, at least he hoped it was so, because it was his best shot to find such people. Surely there weren’t all that many places like that in Japan. Hopefully. (Unlikely, but he was allowed to try and make himself believe that.)

_ “I recommend you to visit the Ashford Academy and the Kururugi Shrine if you can. I think it’d be good for you to see them again.” _

Nunnally’s words rang in his ears. What if…

He needed to get to the Kururugi Shrine.

It was in Nunnally’s possession for she had wanted it to remain untouched, and Kaguya as the last living relative of the Kururugis had sold it to her. The fact that she was the empress of Britannia (and a good one at that, she had almost immediately started working towards the peace with the other countries and especially the UFN) was good enough of a reason for people to stay away from it. Not that it was locked or anything, they just thought they should respect her wish for the shrine to remain as it had been a long ago.

Besides, after the F.L.E.I.J.A.s had been fired during the battle on Mount Fuji, not many people wanted to move around there, seeing as the shrine was located near the mountain. Many people still believed in ghosts and the spirits of the dead — even if they would never admit it —, so they didn’t want to accidentally disturb their rest by going there without a good reason.

It was good it would only take him around two hours to get to the shrine from Tokyo. It was most definitely there where Lelouch would want to go if he were in Japan. Suzaku just hoped his theory was right and that Lelouch had even come to Japan in the first place. Now was not the time to be wrong.

After the ride (that felt far too long) to Mt. Fuji, Suzaku started sauntering towards the shrine. There was an unexplainable heavy feeling settled down in his chest, weighing his steps so much the time needed to reach the stairs that led to the shrine felt like ages. For a while Suzaku stood quietly under the hill he needed to get on top of, looking at the old stone-made stairway. There were plants sprouting from in between the stones. The place had been left alone for too long, or so it seemed since no one had weeded out the weeds growing wild. The huge, old trees growing around cast large shadows everywhere, barely any sunlight reached the stairway, and the otherwise dead silent air was filled with the birds’ echoing chirping. Somehow while it all looked perfectly familiar, he felt like he was unable to recognise anything.

He began to climb up, hoping he would find his supposedly dead friend (who wasn’t so dead after all) on top of the steps. He hadn’t been there once in eight years, not after Nunnally had last visited it. Suzaku remembered how twice now he had almost beaten Lelouch up after he arrived to the top (although he had actually beaten the raven-haired royal when he had seen him for the very first time, calling him a stupid Brit) and chuckled sadly at the memory. He ran the last few metres up.

As he stepped on the very last stair, he felt dejected. There was no one anywhere in sight. Suzaku’s shoulders dropped as he realised how disappointed he was. Well, even if the other one (for whom he had even taken the break in hopes of seeing him), he guessed he could look around and try to relax like Nunnally had told him to.

Suzaku sat on the porch of the shrine, gazing the yard spreading in front of him. It was still rocky as always, but after being left alone for years, there were more shades of green in the scene as well. As Suzaku was sure no one would come up here save for him and possibly Lelouch, he took off his mask and set it next to him. Then he took the cape hanging around him off and folded it carefully, putting it right next to the mask. He wanted to feel less like Zero while he was there — this was the only place he could be himself completely.

The atmosphere that had settled down upon the shrine a long time ago was wistful as he recalled the days of his youth, those days where he and Lelouch had still been happy. He recalled how they used to run through the yard, and more than once he had had to stop to wait for his friend who had always had really bad stamina. Now it was like watching the shadows — or ghosts — of the past move around that ignored him altogether. Of course they did, they were just creations of his imagination.

The shadows distorted and were replaced by the memory of Suzaku confronting his friend. That happened before not even the first of the many F.L.E.I.J.A.s had been fired. Lelouch had bowed to Suzaku, kneeled before him, begging him to take care of Nunnally. Nunnally, who was his most precious treasure, one of the only things he had left and yet he couldn’t protect her because she was with Suzaku and Britannia. Lelouch had cared less about his image in Suzaku’s eyes than his sister, that much was certain.

Suzaku had just stomped on his head and demanded for answers. Demanded him to bring Euphie back to life even though he knew that was impossible. No one could bring the dead back to life. But that was okay. He had needed to show Lelouch he was angry, it was good he had been able to let out some steam at him, without having Lelouch fight back and defend himself from accusations that were (mostly) true.

And then, when they could have finally solved things and made things right again,  _ together _ , Kanon and Schneizel just had had to come in between them. Lelouch had screamed and believed Suzaku betrayed him once again, had planned to sell him out to his worst enemies  _ once again _ , and for some reason, watching it all happen under his eyes without being able to help or interfere had hurt Suzaku more than finding out who it had been behind the mask all along. More than finding out Lelouch had lied to him again and had once more become Zero, even if he had actually known that all along. He knew his own face had been twisted with agony and anguish as Kanon explained everything to him, emerald green eyes widened in shock, tears threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes.

Oh, and the betrayed, hurt look that had twisted Lelouch’s face as geassed Guilford took him away. His expression had straight out told Suzaku everything, including the fact that Lelouch decided their friendship was through for the betrayal Suzaku hadn’t committed. Lelouch had lost his first — and last, he would never befriend anyone ever again — friend, or at least that was what he believed at the time. Suzaku had called for him but, unsurprisingly, the other had decided to ignore him because now, he thought even friendship, the last thing he put his faith in and trusted to save his beloved sister, had betrayed him.

Long after that — only after Zero Requiem, in fact — Schneizel had played the recording of his and Lelouch’s conversation from when the latter had been captured in the car. His voice and words had sounded so hurt when talking with his brother that tears had made their way into Suzaku’s eyes against his will while watching it.

_ “Unfortunately, big brother, I’m through trusting anything because even friendship has betrayed me.” _

That had led them to the climax of the sad chain of events Schneizel had talked about, not the fact that Suzaku hadn’t actually told them about geass himself. None of the past was able to ever reach the same level (even though the future could), because now it was two people who had been best friends and who still loved each other against one another, the other wanting peace of the world and the other only his own. Not that either knew which one had wished for which, but those two things didn’t go together well.

And really, that was what no one took into account, that was one of the reasons the Black Knights were winning against them. Not that realising it would have helped anyway, because now, instead of only a genius, revengeful and powerful enemy, Suzaku and the rest of the Britannian forces had a genius, revengeful and powerful enemy who had been hurt and betrayed by the only thing he had ever truly trusted against them. It was worse than anything they had ever faced before, because that Lelouch had decided to close his heart and knew Zero should only ever be cold and callous, as well as never feel any sympathy towards anyone in his way. That was also apparently the only time Lelouch had told his troops to kill Suzaku when always before he had only told them to capture and imprison him, if anything. Suzaku remembered never wanting to fire the F.L.E.I.J.A. Nina had set up in the Lancelot, how he had feared the thought that he may have to use it against his dearest friend. He didn’t want to. That’s still what he ended up doing.

All of a sudden Suzaku heard steps moving closer to him on the pebble covered ground, bringing him back to the present. He had to act quickly because no one should see the face of Zero, especially as apparently his face hadn’t aged or changed at all for ten or eleven years. The brunet put the mask back on his face just in time to see someone whose face was covered by a hood walking through the yard with a fast pace, glancing around themselves in high alert.

Suzaku stood up and made his way to the stranger.

“What are you doing here? I don’t think you have been given the permission from the Empress herself to stay here”, he said, startling the stranger.

“I apologise, I’ll be going now”, they muttered, seeming to be in a hurry. Suzaku was going to let it slide, but as soon as the stranger turned to leave, Suzaku caught a peculiar glimpse of royal purple from under their hood.

He grabbed the stranger’s wrist and made sure they wouldn’t be able to escape. They wriggled in his hold, struggling to get out of his grip, but couldn’t get away. Their hood fell in the process, exposing a young person for Suzaku to see. A young man with shiny, longish black hair that had been hiding under the hood, and as he lifted his chin, Suzaku could see a pair of beautiful, enchanting purple eyes.

“L-Lelouch…!” His name escaped Suzaku’s lips again (the previous time having been during Zero Requiem), and he let go of the other’s wrist in utter disbelief.

Lelouch looked at Suzaku with widened eyes. “No, you are mistak—”

“But I’m not, am I, Lelouch? No one possesses such vibrant purple eyes, no one except for you.”

Lelouch looked at Suzaku in shock. He didn’t know what to do for the first time in years. The one he had been trying not to let find out he was alive for the past ten years was now in front of his eyes again, the only difference being that this time Suzaku recognised him. And that, that was the worst thing about this all — he had meant for Suzaku to never find out the truth about him, about any of this at all, because that way he could have ensured the truth wouldn’t hurt his friend.

For a moment Lelouch thought about running away but ended up deciding against it. He let his shoulders drop in defeat, but forced a cocky grin on his lips before looking at Suzaku again. Sure, there was no longer any reason to hide, but maybe he could still lie and only anger his one and only friend instead of hurting him.

“No, you are not wrong. It is me, the one that made you carry such heavy burden while I simply disappeared”, he sneered.

Suzaku stumbled a step backwards, taken aback by surprise. Out of all the possible things he had expected to hear Lelouch say, that was most definitely not one of them.

And that was partly the reason Suzaku raised his hand and punched Lelouch. He didn’t fight back or even defend himself. Lelouch just let it happen and even after that, he didn’t even touch his face in order to check if something was broken. It was like he thought he deserved it, and honestly, he did. Then Suzaku started shouting at Lelouch.

“Why did you never tell me you were alive?!”, Suzaku demanded from his friend. Now that he finally had at least the chance to get answers, he wasn’t going to let go of it.

“Because that way I could just disappear without having to take any responsibility for my own actions”, Lelouch replied, a smirk growing on his face again.

“Why the hell are you even alive in the first place?!”

At this point, Suzaku was basically screaming. He shoved Lelouch, pushing him down, and the boy let him.

“Because I made sure I wouldn’t die when you pierced my chest with that sword.”

“Why did you let your sister suffer so long? Why did you leave me alone with my pain?”

Suzaku’s voice grew quieter as he spoke the last words. The man in front of his eyes was Lelouch that had hurt him again and again, always again as though it never mattered, so saying he had been hurting was no use. But…

The (pretended) triumph in Lelouch’s eyes faded as Suzaku’s words hit him. Suzaku had been hurting all along because of Lelouch’s actions again, and somehow he hadn’t seen or realised it. He seemed to be still hurting, and not only because of the truth. How could Lelouch have let this happen?

Suzaku watched how something changed in Lelouch, but still he didn’t say a thing. What the hell was even going on anym—

_ Oh…. _

_ I know that look. _

The look in his friend’s eyes was familiar, far too familiar to Suzaku. He had seen it in Lelouch’s eyes before, as well as his own. It was how a person looked like when they were bottling up a lie. He knew his friend well enough to be able to read the looks in his eyes, he was able to notice even the slightest changes in his body language and expressions, even after all this time.

Lelouch was lying to him once again.

“Why do you always have to hide behind your lies? Why do you keep thinking you could protect anyone that way? Why won’t you tell me the truth for once?”, he almost whispered. His voice was sad. Suzaku didn’t understand why Lelouch did this to Suzaku and himself over and over again. It did nothing but hurt everyone.

And that was what had always made a difference between them, because while Suzaku lied to protect and shield himself from unnecessary harm, Lelouch kept lying only to shield his loved ones from pain and agony even when all it did to Lelouch himself was to hurt him even more — not that it often helped. And that’s why Suzaku had once decided to protect Lelouch from the harm he caused to himself. That’s why…

“I’ll ask you this once more, after ten long years. Why did you order me to live?”, Suzaku gave his hand to Lelouch and pulled him up. This time there was no Kanon or Schneizel to interrupt them. Then he lifted his hand to his mask and took it off. The other looked slightly puzzled, tilting his head to the side until he realised what Suzaku was doing. At that point there was no longer anything Lelouch could do to avoid seeing Suzaku’s face or stop him from taking the mask off in general, even if his hand made a jerked motion to try it.

And, surely enough, as the mask came off, he watched Lelouch freeze. He knew his friend was staring at his unaged face, possibly with fear, but he didn’t care. All he cared about right now was that there they now were, after ten years, but nothing in their appearances had changed. Two people who weren’t supposed to be alive stood there, having not physically changed once in ten years.

Lelouch reached towards Suzaku’s chin, caressing it softly, as though the Japanese could shatter into pieces by his touch.

“Why… Why have you not aged…?”, he asked, his voice feeble. Suzaku was sure it was a crack in his friend’s voice he heard.

“I don’t know, maybe a certain “Live!” order has something to do with this?”, he half-snapped, tapping the ground with his foot in annoyance.

Lelouch gulped, finally realising what he had done. In the end, he had merely cursed his only friend when all he had tried to do was to save him from his desperate wish to die.

“You were lying to me once again, weren’t you? You never wanted to hurt Nunnally and I. Why can’t you for once stop lying to those who care about you, thinking that’s how you can protect them? Because let me tell you, you can’t. All you manage to achieve with it is to hurt them more, as well as yourself. Why can’t you for once be honest with those who care about you because they want to help you, and it’s impossible if you don’t let them.”

Lelouch let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding and looked at Suzaku with a sad smile playing on his lips.

“I thought you and Nunnally would move on and stop hurting because I was a monster in the end. I thought— I thought that was the best way to protect you from everything I did and—”

“You were wrong, Lelouch—” Lelouch winced as he heard his name said, “—because that was never the way to protect us. Both of us knew what you had done. There was no way we would move on, at least easily, seeing as we kept hearing everyone else hate you while we knew you had done it all to save everyone. We weren’t even able to say anything since that would ruin the whole plan. Having said that, I’d like to know the reason you’re alive and why you never told me.”

Suzaku heard a sorrowful chuckle and then Lelouch spoke again.

“Well, there was a change in my plans.”

“Clearly.”

“I wouldn’t die for my sins. My punishment would be to live as well. I made sure no one but C.C. knew about me and disappeared. C.C. was free to go wherever she pleased once again.”

And then, then Suzaku realised. Lelouch had intentionally isolated himself from all those he loved. That was worse than dying because then he would have to see the world he had wished for and created move on  _ without _ him. He could never go back and live in that world himself, or enjoy his achievements with the ones he loved. He would have to live without those he had done it all for, forever. He had done so on purpose, knowing how much pain it would cause him, hoping to hurt. That way Lelouch had made sure he would have to suffer for his own actions. It was never to escape the punishment, but to make it worse for himself. Lelouch had done none of it to hurt anyone else, he had thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone else.

That damned plan was how Lelouch managed to break Suzaku’s heart even after his death — although, admittedly, Lelouch wasn’t so dead anymore.  

“I stayed alive because I had apparently inherited my father’s code. I didn’t find out until a month before Zero Requiem, thanks to C.C.. Originally I had actually meant to die. But, since the situation became what it did, I decided it was simply best to rewrite my plans. I thought it’d be easier for you if I just died in your eyes. You could finally avenge your beloved Euphemia by killing me, just like I killed her. Honestly, killing her still sometimes haunts me, she didn’t deserve it. If I could spare her life or trade it away for mine, I would do it in a heartbeat as long as Nunnally stayed alive. I thought you could just blame everything on me — even your own misdeeds — if I died.”

“Lelouch—”

“So, all I’ve been doing for these past 10 years is living with myself and nothing but lies.”

“Did you ever stop to think about Nunnally and how everything you have done affected her?”

“Yes, every day.”

“And what about me? Did you ever stop to think about me?”

“...”

“Answer me, Lelouch!”

“I never stopped thinking about you… Suzaku.”

Lelouch turned his gaze to the side, avoiding his friend’s eyes. He didn’t want to face Suzaku now. There was no way he could. He didn’t want to see — no, more like  _ couldn’t _ see the other’s expression. He still wasn’t used to actually admitting things such as his true feelings to the people he cared about. He wasn’t even used to expressing them. And now he just said that after being gone for a decade and obviously having hurt his dearest friend. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know how Suzaku would react to that.

Suzaku grabbed Lelouch’s hand in his own, holding it tight as though he could disappear again at any given moment. Then, after considering whether it was a great or an absolutely terrible idea, he pulled his friend into a hug, comforting him in turn (not that he ever reached the conclusion whether or not it was a good idea. He did it anyway). The last time anything alike had happened was back when Lelouch had comforted Suzaku after the latter had pierced his chest. It was still ironic, the one being killed comforting the killer.

Lelouch tensed up at first for the sudden contact, but relaxed just as quickly in Suzaku’s arms. He felt safe. It was like everything was just meant to be so, the two of them together and never apart. Something in the world seemed amiss when they weren’t with one another. Both knew being forever together was impossible though. They both knew full well they were never meant to be happy — or so it at least always seemed.

“Lelouch?”

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“I don’t see why not. There’s nothing to hide anymore.”

“Your message — the one conveyed with the signs from our childhood —, did you really wish to meet again? Did you, of all the people, wish for a miracle of sorts or…?”

“I… I don’t know. Maybe I did. I think I wished for rebirth to be real because I certainly did not mean for us to meet again in this life — or, well, in your current life. At that point I already knew  _ I _ was immortal.”

“And what about a god?”

“Maybe I wished for a god that would listen to me like the one in C’s world.”

“And if it was a god that led us back together, that let me finally know you were alive — which reminds me, if you’re trying to stay hidden, talking with C.C. just under my window and right next to the Royal Palace is not a good idea—, we should have already suffered our punishment, right?”

Lelouch looked uneasy, as though he didn’t want to have this conversation. Maybe he didn’t. He didn’t seem to want to accept the possibility of maybe being happy again.

“But— but the suffering and agony we caused have not yet been atoned for! The pain you— the pain I—  the pain we have went through is still not enough of a punishment for us! Especially I haven’t truly suffered enough for my—”

“Oh shut up. You granted the world a chance to see a peaceful life. I would say you have been redeemed by now.”

Lelouch looked at Suzaku eyes glistening with tears that had not yet been shed — although that didn’t seem to be far either.

“You remember, right? There’s nothing the two of us can’t do together. Nothing. And I am not letting go now that I have finally found you again. I’ve already lost you thrice, don’t make me lose you again.” Suzaku embraced Lelouch, wanting to show his friend he was there for him, that he wouldn’t leave again. He didn’t want to let the other leave again either, the past decade had proven him he liked his life even less without having his dearest friend live it with him.

“...Thank you, Suzaku. My one and only friend, my first true friend”, Lelouch muttered, the faint smile on his lips echoing in his voice.

Suzaku decided that if he wanted to say the words he had tried to keep buried deep within himself for so long, he should say them now and not later. Well, maybe later too, but at least now.

“I’m in love with you too.”

Lelouch pushed Suzaku away, pulling away from the hug. He looked at Suzaku with mouth hanging slightly open. Had Suzaku misinterpreted the flowers’ message after all? If so, everything was going straight to south. The shock he could see in Lelouch’s eyes never meant anything good, especially now.

“You know, the flowers you told me to look up the meanings of?”, Suzaku half-asked gulping. He pressed his lips tight together anxiously and bit his lower lip. The grave silence he was getting from Lelouch was killing him.

The worry was pushed away though, because Lelouch took Suzaku’s hands in his own and smiled at him. His eyes fluttered shut and a single tear escaped from behind his eyelashes and closed eyelids. Lelouch chuckled ever so lightly, as though nothing had ever gone wrong between the two of them. Lelouch’s voice warmed Suzaku from within. Then he felt warm, soft lips on the corner of his mouth, although the touch was gone before he could react. He saw Lelouch stand back, and the bright yet sorrowful smile brought back a memory of the strange young man from around a week ago.

Suzaku came to the conclusion it had been Lelouch who had helped him. It was so clear now. It couldn’t have been anyone else, and the words the young man had told him as well as the oddly familiar presence he had made so much more sense now. Now he didn’t understand how he hadn’t recognised him right away.

The lines under his eyes — the ones drawn by every woe and grief and heartbreak he had had to face and go through in the past — were the only things that showed Lelouch hadn’t been able to escape the claws of time altogether. The so unblinking glassy eyes, the ones that always drew Suzaku’s gaze to them in a way that he found himself soon drowning in them no matter what, they reminded Suzaku that Lelouch too had suffered, he had not fled from agony. The long, dark eyelashes that never failed to make Lelouch look even more attractive were familiar to Suzaku even now, even after such a long time. His black, silky hair that fell over his eyes framed his face. And Lelouch’s smile, oh that damned smile, it was so kind and gentle when it was directed at the ones he loved, the one that was never not able to make Suzaku smile as well — at least when Suzaku knew who it belonged to. The man in front of his eyes was his dear friend that he would never let go of willingly again. He really didn’t understand how in the world he had missed all those signs so badly when he saw him in that alley, especially considering that all of those things were something that made Lelouch so, well,  _ Lelouch _ .

“Lelouch, it was you who guided me around a week ago, wasn’t it?”, Suzaku asked, voice and eyes softening. He lifted his hand to caress Lelouch’s cheek. The skin under his fingertips was so warm and comforting,  _ so alive _ , and if he was being honest with himself, he never wanted to not be able to touch it again.

“Yes.” The word was spoken with slight hesitation even though it mostly sounded confident. Suzaku was still able to recognise the smallest changes in Lelouch’s voice and prided himself for it.

“And you apologised to me for something, didn’t you? For what was it?”

“For absolutely everything, beginning from killing Euphie and lying to you, ending with making you kill me.” The gentle smile turned apologetic, shameful and sad in mere seconds. Well, maybe it didn’t, but Suzaku knew the look in his eyes and if that changed, in Suzaku’s eyes his whole expression changed, and he was definitely able to tell. After all, he was watching Lelouch now very carefully, not wanting to miss anything.

“You’re forgiven. For all of it.”

“How can you forgive me?”

The disbelief in Lelouch’s voice startled Suzaku at first, but then, eventually, he opened his mouth to give voice to the thoughts in his head (although, he had to admit, he was only saying a portion of the enormous mess going on inside his mind).

“Because we are friends, aren’t we?”

“For the last eighteen years, yes.”

Suzaku took Lelouch again in his embrace and pressed his face to his neck, as though trying to convince himself the other really was there, that this all wasn’t just a mere illusion his imagination had created out of pure longing and misery. Lelouch kissed Suzaku’s cheek and rested his head on his shoulder. He ran his hand through Suzaku’s hair that was practically a mess of brown curls. He simply let the other stroke his back, trying to tell both of them that he wasn’t going anywhere. They were just a pair of broken people who had lost far, far too much, each other included. They thought it wasn’t necessary to lose even more, even if they actually had no control over that.

They held each other tightly, not wanting to break off. Suzaku gulped quietly, trying to hold his tears back. He didn’t want to cry when he finally was able to hold his dearest again after such a long time. Then he felt something warm and wet on his shoulder and realised that even if he himself wasn’t crying, Lelouch certainly was. And so he let himself cry out a broken, yet relieved sob and clutched Lelouch’s jacket as he let his own tears roll down his cheeks.

“Are you crying?”, Lelouch asked laughing even though his voice was echoing with tears as well. Because of course it was, it had been so long since they had last properly met each other. It was clear that both Lelouch and Suzaku had missed each other a lot, more than either had even realised.

“Yeah, I am. You are too.”

“So indeed.”

Lelouch’s eyes widened as Suzaku first pulled away from the hug and then cupped his face, but he relaxed soon as he recognised the touch as a safe one. He could trust the one in front of him with anything, there was no question about that. His purple eyes watched Suzaku’s every move carefully, and honestly, to Suzaku it was somewhat unnerving.

In the next moment a bomb — or a F.L.E.I.J.A. — could have gone off next to them, and neither would have noticed because Suzaku leaned forwards and tilted his head slightly, placing a small, unsure kiss on Lelouch’s lips. Just a moment before he was about to pull away, Lelouch placed his hands behind Suzaku’s head. It was the only confirmation they needed.

If someone had asked Suzaku later on what their first kiss had been like, he would have told them it had felt like both of them were scared the other was so fragile they’d break under their touch. It was true, at least for Suzaku. He was indeed afraid that if he put too much pressure on Lelouch, his dearest person in the world would have shattered into a million pieces and disappeared again.

When they finally let go of each other, both their cheeks were flushed red. The smile playing on Suzaku’s lips was reflected right back at him as his eyes rested on the sight he had of lelouch. Everything seemed to be okay again, or at least they thought everything was going to be okay again, now that they had each other.

Well, that was until the Japanese realised he was Zero and worked for the Empress of Britannia. He couldn’t be far away from work for a long time ever, especially often, and there was no way for Lelouch to come back to the palace. There were way too many people who would recognise him, and even if for some strange reason no one else did, Nunnally, Cornelia, Schneizel, Lloyd, Gino and Ms. Cécile would. They would definitely realise who the strange boy with longish raven hair and purple eyes that were practically the trademark of the vi Britannias was. 

They couldn’t be happy and together after all unless they came up with a solution. Everything was going downhill again.

Suzaku began panicking, his eyes searching for answers that would never come to him because of course there was nothing that could help at the shrine. Suzaku grabbed his head and stumbled a few steps backwards, as though trying to steady himself. It didn’t help, and he fell down on his knees. He bent down and pressed his head against his knees. Tears found their way back to Suzaku’s eyes. They burned in his eyes blurring away his sight, and as his breathing became fast and uncontrolled, he tried to fight back both his tears and sobs. He didn’t succeed, and hot tears were streaming down his face again. Suzaku’s head was a complete mess, thoughts varying from “I’ll never be able to be actually happy again” and “What do the gods have against Lelouch and I?!” to “Why am I not allowed to be with the one I love even after I’ve finally found him after such a long time?” and “It was all pointless, why couldn’t we just have died back on the Kamine Island?”

But just like always before, Lelouch saw right through him and realised just in how much grief and pain Suzaku was. He kneeled down next to him and placed his hands on Suzaku’s shoulders. He rubbed them gently, reminding Suzaku that he was there to help now. Suzaku was no longer alone, he wouldn’t have to survive or get through this without someone helping him. Well, neither did Lelouch, but it wasn’t him panicking over anything right now. He couldn’t get a panic attack now anyway because if he did, there was no way he could even try to help Suzaku to calm down.

After a while Suzaku’s breaths started slowly but surely to even out and become more steady even though he was still crying and trembling lightly. That was the effect Lelouch had possessed and, thankfully, still did on Suzaku. He was always the light in the dark that guided Suzaku back home from the dark and deep waters. Lelouch had always been the one Suzaku could rely on no matter the situation because he cared. He was the one that stood there always waiting for Suzaku with open arms (well, figuratively, Lelouch wasn’t really one for public displays of affection). And whenever Suzaku got lost, Lelouch dragged him out and away from the dark abyss that were his intrusive thoughts and self-hatred. Sure, Lelouch too struggled with the same things, but he had never let it stop him from being there for Suzaku, or so it seemed.

And somehow, even if Suzaku couldn’t comprehend how, Lelouch always found a way to forgive Suzaku even when Suzaku couldn’t forgive Lelouch. Sure, it wasn’t always easy, but at least always until now, Lelouch kept wanting to talk first, which most often led to forgiveness. And yet, even when he kept on forgiving, he couldn’t understand how someone else could forgive him for many things.

Surely, Lelouch always found a way to protect Suzaku from everyone, even Suzaku himself — or, at least he could do it as long as the one he should protect Suzaku from wasn’t named Lelouch vi Britannia. The only person Lelouch was never able to protect his friend (or anyone, at that matter) from was himself.

At some point Suzaku could hear Lelouch’s relieved sigh through his sobs, although unclearly. It took a while until Suzaku realised Lelouch had began talking to him though, even if he wasn’t able to make out what words had been said. Suzaku looked up to see Lelouch look worried — which, honestly speaking, wasn’t surprising. Lelouch always got worried when his friends seemed to be struggling with basically anything. Considering how easily his friends got in trouble, it was more surprising that ‘worried as hell’ hadn’t become his usual state of mind by now. ‘Frustrated and suffering because of the idiots I call my friends’ also seemed like a good alternative to it. Suzaku let his eyes turn down again.

“You’re safe, Suzaku. I’m here now. We’ll figure everything out because there’s nothing the two of us couldn’t do together. We’ve believed in that all these years until now, there’s no reason for it to become false now”, he comforted Suzaku, and the reassuring tone in his voice was enough to make Suzaku glance up at Lelouch and smile weakly, even as his eyes were still teary.

“Yeah, that’s true. We can do anything, right? Is it really possible for us to find a way to be together even though I work as Zero now and can’t quit?”

“Of course it is, even if I still don’t think  _ I _ deserve that chance at happiness. We’ll find a way, like always. Somehow. I promise.”

“And maybe we could tell Nunnally the truth and she could help u—”, Suzaku began but couldn’t get to finish his sentence before Lelouch interrupted him.

“No. That, if something, is not going to happen. I have already hurt her enough, and if she were to learn I am, in fact, alive, there wouldn't be any way for us to see each other even then because it could really hurt her reputation and also possibly endanger her if we were seen together. There is also a likely chance it would hurt her even more. I don’t want to be the cause of her pain anymore. Besides, she seems to be doing well, and I am  _ not _ going to take that away from her even if it ends up costing me absolutely everything.”

“You’re making decisions for her again. She’s a grown woman even if she’s your little sister”, Suzaku shot back.

“Maybe so, but it could also put you and world peace at risk. There’s no way I am putting the safety of the two I love the most and the world itself just because I want to be able to see my sister again. Maybe one day, if the world mostly forgets what I look like and is sure I couldn’t be immortal, and if the chance to do so decides to present itself.”

Lelouch was frowning, his brows creased. It was clear he was being serious and that arguing with him in that state would be of no use, so Suzaku just decided to agree. Not that he didn’t understand what Lelouch meant anyway, he had worried about the very same thing just some time ago. Like, a day earlier, in fact, when he and Nunnally had been talking in her office. He didn’t want to hurt the young empress either, that was for sure. Suzaku had to admit, Lelouch was right. They couldn’t tell Nunnally no matter what. There was absolutely no way they could.

Suddenly Suzaku remembered that he still didn’t know how in the world he had received the recording ten years after Lelouch’s death. Sure, the boy was alive and all, but he thought it should be extremely difficult for anyone to get inside the Royal Palace, let alone if you were deemed the Demon Emperor by the people. And just a week before Zero’s Day it should be even more difficult, the guards should be on very high alert all the time.

“Soooooo.... About that recording I received.”

“Oh god, here we go.”

“How the hell did you get it to me?”

Lelouch thought about what to tell Suzaku for a while before deciding that telling the truth would be the best idea.

“Well, I actually asked C.C. to do it.”

“I can’t find myself believing that.”

“I did ask. She said no”, Lelouch sighed and let his eyes wander to his side.

Suzaku snorted. “How surprising.”

“So, I had to get it there myself. It was actually alarmingly easy to bullshit my way in. I just told them the flower shop near the centre of Pendragon sent me to ask what kind of flowers were wanted, gave one of the maids a paper she needed to bring to Nunnally — it was the actual thing, I got it from the flower shop itself — and then I went to the garden quickly to place it in front of the grave. I kind of just guessed you would come there at some point before anyone else, since I don’t think anyone but you, Nunnally and some of your old friends would ever visit it. It was still very early morning so I guess you were still asleep.”

“I was probably not asleep since I saw a nightmare about your death that night, like I often do.”

Lelouch flinched. He hadn’t realised he had hurt Suzaku that much. Sure, he himself suffered from nightmares, but he felt horrible for causing Suzaku to get them as well.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered.

Suzaku shook his head and hugged him. “It’s okay, now that you’re back — although I’m still kind of tempted to punch you again. Which reminds me, sorry about that.”

“You’re really not sorry, are you?”

“Nope. You deserved it.”

“I suppose I did. I would probably deserve it if you punched me again as well, but please don’t do it, you really make it hurt.”

Suzaku snorted again. He grabbed Lelouch’s chin so he could turn the boy to look at him again. He smiled at him and pressed another soft kiss on Lelouch’s lips.

“We’ll be okay one day, right?”

“Yes. We will be okay, even if it takes a lifetime before that.”

Their future didn’t look very bright, but they decided that was fine, they wouldn’t let it stop them. They would fight for one another because neither wanted to lose the other again. It wasn’t even a question whether they would or not. They loved far too much to give up or let go ever again. Maybe that meant they would be okay one day.

So yeah, sure, their future didn’t look bright, but they would be okay nevertheless. Now they had each other, so maybe finding something worth living for wouldn’t be so difficult anymore. No, it was because they had each other that they had something to live for.

Suzaku held Lelouch’s hands in his and smiled. He brought them to his lips and kissed them which made Lelouch chuckle. So, even though the two of them were far from being fine, they could find a way to survive. They could definitely find a way to be happy again, certainly.

And, even if the whole world was against them one day again, it would be alright. As long as they were side by side, there wasn’t anything that could stop them. As long as their hands were intertwined they would get through this.

That much was sure; even if they didn’t live happily ever after in the way all the fairytales always ended, they would live. Their life wasn’t even a fairytale to begin with, that it had already proven. Certainly they could find happiness if they lived long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this journey as much as I did, and I hope I didn't disappoint any of you (or at least most of you). I'll seriously miss writing this. I already do. I did the second I finished. Sadly, I'm done with this fic.
> 
> ...Okay so yes, I'm done with the fic, sure, but I am not done with the story itself. At some point I decided that I'm not yet able to let go, so guess once who's planned shorter sequels for this. Yes, me. I have. So, basically, since I only have 4 planned and my imagination doesn't work all that often, I'd love it if you had anything you wanted to either know more about in this verse, or just want to see happening. You can either comment them here or send me a message/ask in my tumblr. 
> 
> Also, I like using the "we'll be able to do anything when we're together" and "we are friends, right?" "for the past seven years" lines in CG so I needed to use them here as well. They're so cute and show just how dear to each other they are (at least in my opinion as long as we don't see their actions). Like, they didn't see each other for seven entire years, but even then they could just be friends again and love (even if not romantically, then platonically), and they always kept saying they could do anything because they were t o g e t h e r, and I just really love that. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for supporting me through this, I love you all! All your comments have made me happy. This doesn't need to be goodbye, since I have a lot of CG fics planned/started, but well. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos make my day so don't be afraid to tell me your thoughts on the fic, or just this chapter!
> 
> You can come talk to me (and gush about Code Geass (and SuzaLulu)) in my [tumblr](Ethelphantom.tumblr.com)!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! 
> 
> I'd like to hear your thoughts on things, and I really like comments so, if you can find the time to do so, I'd be happy to read what you thought of this thing.
> 
> Come to scream about CG and the Hamilton Musical to me in my [tumblr](https://ethelphantom.tumblr.com/)!


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